#021 - Thanksgiving sucks, even more broke, and laser hair removal. (HRT Day 150)

Friday, November 29, 2013.

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote here. The pace of my transition is painfully slow and I have to take my mind off it. That means forgetting blog entries now and then.

Regardless, some stuff went down. I had my first laser hair removal treatment on the 12th. I had no idea what to expect, but it was actually fairly quick. Painful as hell in my opinion, but quick. It was like receiving a powerful shock of static electricity to my face over and over.

Results so far after first treatment is disappointing. I was told I probably won't see any results until after the 4th treatment or so. So far zero hair loss which sucks. I was hoping to have results for when I skyped home this holiday season. No such luck.

Yesterday was thanksgiving which went about as I expected. Both roommates are out of town with family and I have the entire house to myself all Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday...

I pretty much spent the time so far sulking. I did receive one invitation to a coworkers family party for after thanksgiving, but I declined. I'm really bad at social gatherings, plus I don't think I can afford to spend the gas it would take to get there and back. It's got to last seven more days or else I'm walking, a concept I'm strangely interested in doing. Reminds me of the "good ol' days" of having to bike/walk two hours to work and two hours back. Great exercise when I bring a music player.

Anyways I met another trans women,  ironically through a dating website. My profile clearly states I'm not looking for anything more than just friends. We talked a bit and she invited me to a local LGBT center where trans people meet up twice a month.

I'm still not sure what to make of her. I've been burned in the past by other trans women who seemed pleasant to talk to at first, but became super rude and repellant later on. Not really sure if its something I did/said or not. Still, I'm going to the center next week and I have no clue what to expect. Kinda nervous.

I got the chance to Skype home yesterday. It was actually kinda awkward as mom gathered EVERYONE around the laptop as if its a big event or something. It's just me saying hi on video conference. It was a lot of small talk plus my baby sister who I didn't recognize at all. I actually stopped the conversation and said "ok, hang on. Who is that in the background? I recognize everyone else but who the heck is that?"

Everyone laughed and said that's [sister #3]. You haven't seen her in years.

Moving on, I'm still here chilling in an empty house. I own several pairs of heels of various heights and practiced walking around in them. I can now say with certainty that, although cute, heels are evil. The higher the height, the worse they got. I have two pair that I can walk around in pretty well. The rest are going straight back to eBay. May they cause someone else a new definition of hell. I'll stick to flats and low heels from now on.

That may have sounded weird and/or awkward, but in context not really. I've been cleaning out my closet and found several pairs of jeans that used to fit years ago. Now not only do they fit, they look great on me. Tight and shapely in all the right places, a little flair on the pant legs. I saw myself in a full mirror and I looked pretty good, which blew me away how much has actually changed.

I had this overwhelming fear that hormones would do little to nothing for me. That I'd still look like a burly dude in a dress. If yesterday was any indication for how things will turn out, I'm going to be extremely pleased with the results. It's only been almost 5 months of hormones. I can't wait to see how things will look after a year.

Speaking of changes, I'm going to have to start putting serious effort into my appearance and voice. Eventually cold weather season will fade and I won't be able to conceal all the physical changes. So when it gets too hot for a hoodie, I'm going to be forced to go full time or feel embarrassed all damn day and night.

Breasts are rapidly becoming noticeable and annoying. They itch and ache all the time. Plus they're getting quite visibly noticeable even with a sports bra. Don't get me wrong, they're starting to look amazing, but they're also causing a lot if social awkwardness and discomfort. I can't sleep face down anymore without pain.

Lets see, what else? I'm still broke as hell. I thought I had a budget for luxuries, but it turns out I didn't, now I've got my bills paid off just barely. It came down to I think 37 cents left over in my bank account. What a lousy way to start saving for future surgeries.

One final thing. Mom asked me to drop a line now and then, mostly an update on how things are going. I get the strong impression that transition is a subject nobody wants to talk about or ask questions unless I force the subject (which I did in my last email). Anyways, here is her latest email response:

Hey sweetie

Thanks for dropping a line.  I actually knew a woman years ago who used to be a man (back when the surgery was brand new).  This woman was a WOMAN.  Over the years I have read alot of stuff about transgender, even took a course on Human Sexuality when I was in college.  Transgender is complicated and totally NOT the same as transvestite, gay or bisexual.  Transgender people really suffer emotionally - it's not them being kinky or perverted or deviant.  In a way, I guess you could say I was ready for this type of news.  My two main concerns for you are 1) your emotional well-being, and 2) your physical safety (guys get beat-up for this kind of thing).  Do your room-mates know about this?  Does your employer know?

I'm glad that work is going OK.  It would be wonderful if you had a job that you loved but very few people have that luxury (so not hating your job is actually doing pretty good :-)

Well, that's about all for now.  Busy as usual around here - nothing exciting but something always going on.

Take care.

Love,
Mom

Sort of a nice thing. I'm so thankful she knows the differences and has some understanding what it means to be transgender. It at least makes my transition a bit less difficult in regards to family.

The last thing I wanted to touch on are secrets. Not the kind of secrets like your email address password or things like that. The kind of deep dark secrets about your life that you don't tell anyone.

I was thinking on this subject and the thought occurred to me that I don't have those kinds of secrets anymore. My closet seems to be completely clean and empty. No longer having to live double and even triple lives anymore is a HUGE relief.

There's no deep dark secret that I feel the need to hide anymore. No worrying that someone might find out and it ruining me. No worry over what others will think of me if they found out. I'm having difficulty finding words to describe this overwhelming feeling of relief and calm. My budget may be in taters, social life almost non existent, and work may be dull, but none of that really seems to mater anymore in the big picture.

Well, until next time.

#020 - Conversation with brother, broke again, and "the" coin toss. (HRT Day 131)

Sunday, November 10, 2013

So I've been broke for a while now and I just got paid... and now I'm broke again. It all went straight out to bills and stuff. Not as broke as last week, I went grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to starve again (honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would've been).

Lately it just seems that life is at a standstill. Nothing new or exciting is happening. Haven't seen any new movies. Haven't played any new video games. Haven't read any new books. Nothing of note is going on at work. It's just been a "blah" couple of weeks. Plans to save money have fizzled out so far because of piled up bills.

Oh and I just got a new bill in the mail. Seems I wasn't finished repaying my enlistment bonus back after all. I still owe about $500 which sucks. I thought I was finished but I guess not. One day they just stopped sending me bills in the mail and whenever I called, nobody knew the status of said bill. Now 7 months later I receive a "FINAL NOTICE!!!" collections letter which I find strange. They had my phone number and mailing address this whole time and nobody bothered to inquire in all that time? Whatever I guess.

I finally got Brother #1 to create a Facebook account. Took him forever to do so and recently he caved. Our conversation via Facebook was really long and touched a LOT of different subjects. We were basically just catching up. Anyways, here's the more relevant parts of that conversation:

(BTW I have two brothers + three sisters and I don't want to name them on this blog. I'm just numbering them based on birth order, not counting myself since I'm the oldest)

Brother #1: Facebook is weird. none of this is intuitive.

Me: You get used to it. It's a hell of a lot better than twitter. It's also better on smartphones.

Brother #1: I am definitely not putting it on my smartphone. That's my work phone. Also fyi my keyboard is FUBAR so if I type and I am missing letters that's why

Me: lol ok. A likely excuse

Me: Btw... 172lbs and still falling :-P

(we've discussed weight loss tips in the past, but he refuses to give up all those sugary drinks)

Brother #1: Congrats! I can now bench press you :-)

Me: I'm going for around 140'ish

Brother #1: Yeah that's crazy skinny

Me: I've lost so much muscle mass already. Getting a bit skinny everywhere.

Brother #1: Hey on a more serious note...

(long pause)

Me: Question mark?

Brother #1: Mom told me about what's been going on with you. I just want you to know that I am really proud of you. That probably sounds weird coming from your younger brother. I am assuming that's what you meant when you made that Facebook post about writing a very hard letter.

Brother #1: I swear I can type fast... stupid keyboard...

Me: lol chubby fingers. But yeah, I've tried so very hard to be "normal" but it wasn't working.

Brother #1: No it's a big step to take and it takes courage to follow through with that. You recognized it and didn't continue to keep it to yourself or hide it so I really respect that.

(I teared up a bit as I was pulling this conversation off my phone and typing it here in this blog)

Brother #1: And I'm not chubby, I am big boned :-D

Me: lol sure. But yeah, 6 months of seeing a therapist and 4 months so far on prescription. Changes have been super awkward and amazing at the same time.

(That's a lie BTW. I haven't seen a therapist and my HRT was not prescribed by a doctor. I'm not proud about that lie, but it's the best way I know to calm any concerns they have. It sounds a whole hell of a lot better than admitting that I'm DIY'ing. Plus next year I'll actually be on official doctor prescribed HRT)

Me: Also, I'm trying to avoid talking to [Sister in Law]. She and I are pretty much on opposite spectrums of politics, except guns.

Brother #1: Yeah I can't even imagine. Mom actually was kind of weird about it when she told me. She was worried that Kathryn and I would freak out or something. She told me to think about it for a couple of days on "how to present the information to [Sister in Law] in a way that would be the best received by her as to not shock her". I got off the phone, turned to [Sister in Law] and told her, and it was like "Oh, ok"

(The rest of the very long conversation has nothing to do with the topic of this blog so I cut it. Plus it's VERY long. We touched on choice of guns, bitcoins, military service, politics, religion, bug-out bags, and on and on).


Brother #1 is only about a year younger than I am and I've always been sort of jealous at how well he's doing. He owns his own house, he has several kids, married, multiple cars, a good paying job. And here I am, the eldest sibling, struggling to buy a pack of ramen noodles. Of course, he was always considered the favorite child, it wasn't a secret or anything. My parents HATED me with a spiteful passion. When I was under their roof we fought night and day, every day. Sometimes it came to physical blows.

They never really understood what I was going through. They just thought I was being a rebellious little shit with anger management issues. It wasn't until recently when I came out all the puzzle pieces fit together. They now know what I was going through at the time. They know the hell I went through at church, at school and at home. What they don't know, and I'm not sure if I want to tell them, is how close I came to ending it all.



Should probably toss in a trigger warning here or something. Also there's some personal bitching and whining. A bit of a pity party too, but whatever, fuck you it's my blog.



I pretty much knew something was wrong since about 7 or 8 years old. A lot of trans folks think it's a prerequisite to know you're trans that early in life, but I don't think it's that common. From everything I've read, most trans people don't know it or even question it until later in life. For some, much later in life.

But back on topic, I also knew I had to hide these feelings. The church would go on and on about how evil and filthy "those" kinds of people are. School mates loved to single out and bully LGBT kids mercilessly. Parents weren't exactly the loving supportive type... at all. I had to hide and bury it to survive.

I struggled to fit in and be "normal". I tried to get into hobbies that other boys liked. I tried liking girls. And yes, I even tried looking at porn (don't judge me, I had zero guidance). Parents caught me and freaked out. They hauled my butt down to the church and forced me into having a confessional with the bishop. Mom wasn't allowed to be involved in said confessional, despite her insistence.

I broke down and told the bishop everything. How I felt I was broken. How I felt I wasn't the right gender. How filthy and horrible I felt just walking into the church. After I let it all out, he gave me advice that he waned me to follow. Advice, looking back on it now, was quite possibly the worst I've ever heard.

He told me that the reason why I felt this was because the devil is trying to confuse me. I need to work extra hard on burying these feelings. I need to work extra hard to like girls and to be a normal boy. I can't give in to this filth or I'll go to hell and burn for all eternity.

I didn't know any better, and this was the pre-internet age. I blindly followed his advice to the best I could. In retrospect, it has caused me so much grief and anguish. I wish I could go back in time and punch that asshole's lights out.

Anyways, I went along with that advice for years. Repressing it, bottling it up, trying so very hard to be normal. Every relationship I've had with a woman always ended within a couple of months max and it always ended badly.

And it only got worse. I'd lie in bed at night crying and praying for God to fix me. Eventually it devolved into praying for God to take my life because I didn't want to live anymore. My finances suffered, hygiene suffered, social life suffered, health suffered, faith completely gone.

Then one day I just stopped getting out of bed. I called in sick for the entire week and just laid in bed almost the entire time staring at the ceiling. I came to the end where I was thinking on a plan to take my life. In the back of my mind I didn't want to die, not really. But I had nothing left to live for. No hopes or dreams or aspirations.

I left the ultimate decision in the fate of a coin toss. Yeah, really. My life was so worthless and without meaning that I left it up to a coin toss. Heads I'd go off and join the military, because how much worse could it be than things are now? Tails I'd heavily overdose on sleeping pills and alcohol. Just go to sleep and not wake up.

(Sorry, I keep stopping and starting this blog entry. I'm having a hard time writing this. Painful memories and all).

So yeah, it came up heads which sort of threw me by surprise. I had already made peace with things and set up arrangements for my personal belongings to be given away. I emailed the nearest Navy recruiter and that weekend I came in to sign the enlistment papers.

My recruiter was even a bit taken back by how little enlisting phased me, and how he didn't have to sell me on the whole military thing. I just walked in, exchanged pleasantries, and asked to sign right then and there.

I should probably end this blog entry now. My time in the military could fill several entries on its own as is. This upcoming Thursday I start laser hair removal on my face. I'm a tad disappointing that it's only IPL and not the better kind, but quite honestly it was the ONLY hair removal method of any kind on Groupon. Kinda sucks because most likely I'll have to repeat the process all over again in a year or so. Everything I've read about IPL says it sucks.


So I guess until next time.

#019 - Reflecting on the past ***Definitely Trigger Warning Stuff*** (HRT Day 126)

Tuesday, November 05, 2013

So yesterday was the official four month mark on HRT. Lots of mistakes on dosage and stuff. I'm pretty level now on 8mg Provera (estrogen) and 212mg of Spiro (I split a 25mg). This seems to be the magic dose that works for me, but I haven't gotten any bloodwork done yet on this. I will though either this weekend or next week. Definitely after payday when I will have money to get the bloodwork done.

My finances right now are, well... shit to be honest. My one credit card is maxed out and my bank account is negative $496 (the most negative it can go is $500). I'm scrounging through sofa cushions and drier leftovers looking for spare change. I've managed to find enough to get my gas tank up to half full which will last until payday. Maybe even enough to drive to the gym I've been neglecting.

I've "decided" to go on a starvation diet. When I say decided I really mean forced into it because I'm flat broke and have no money for food. Haven't had any for the past two weeks. So far I've been drinking a lot of water, chicken broth and occasionally munching on leftover Halloween candy. Results so far are surprisingly good (though I cannot recommend anyone trying it). I'm still full of energy, I'm not feeling tired or irritable, no aches and hunger pains, no dizziness or confusion, nothing that usually comes with starvation.

I am, however, losing weight which is awesome. I love getting up in the morning to weigh myself. I'm so very close to breaking down through the 170lb floor. I've really come a long way from the start which was like 210lb or 215lbs. I'm still looking to reach 140lb or lower, but this has been going well.

My arms have been getting very skinny, plus having them completely hairless makes them look youthful and feminine. Even the muscle mass on my hands is starting to come down. My legs are still super chunky like a mans legs, but that will get down too with time. I do have to say that when payday comes this Friday, I'm going out to buy the biggest Papa Johns pizza they offer. The Hawaiian BBQ Chicken and Bacon (no onions) pizza is fucking amazing. It's my happy food when I'm feeling really down which I am lately.

So... yeah, about that. Trigger warning from here on down.

*******************************************************

Bear with me as I've spent most of my life repressing memories of the past. It's just now all coming back to the surface as I confront instead of bury it.

After I came out to my mom, I've been reflecting on my childhood and it's left me very sad, some nights even outright crying my eyes out. I was considered a "problem child" when I was young. I was always getting into fights, even with kids up to twice my age and size. I was vicious because I just didn't care. I'm the one that usually got hurt the worst but I was always the one left standing in the end. I was full of rage and hate and self loathing.

I spent most of my life trying to be "normal" and failing at it. Trying to do what boys and men are supposed to do and act. I knew from age seven or eight that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I knew that I wasn't who I was supposed to be. I had this weird foreign object between my legs that wasn't supposed to be there. I'm supposed to be a girl and I was not. I thought I was fucked up and broken but nobody else could see it. I felt so horrible at school, at church and at home.

School was unkind to kids who showed even a little feminine side. I was constantly bullied and called faggot, queer, fudge packer, butt pirate, and every other derogatory name imaginable. Of course, I fought back with fists and anger which just made things worse.

Church was even worse. Messages that were meant to inspire and teach morality did nothing of the sort for me. All I saw was hate and contempt aimed at me. It felt like everyone knew exactly who the bishop was referring to and giving instructions on how to treat me badly. I'm a sinner. I'm a disgusting homo. I'm an abomination in the eyes of God. I deserved death.

Home was bad as well. Mom and step dad never listened to anything I had to say. I tried telling them once that I'm wrong and am not actually a boy, but the conversation devolved into moms ramblings about Satan and [real dad] secretly conspiring together and plotting to "get" her somehow, some way. My mom and religion go together like alcohol to an alcoholic or fire to gasoline.

I felt completely alone. Bitter, angry, scared, confused, rejected, filthy, and condemned which no child should ever feel that way. But there it was. It didn't get any better after I was thrown out for good. Each day was misery. I had no ambition and no goals to achieve anything. My one and only goal was to survive the day and that was it.

I continued the charade of being "normal" and results were the same as always. One failed relationship with a woman after the next. Pretending to be interested in male hobbies (although paintball I was genuinely interested in). None of it was working but I kept on trying. Oh my God I tried so desperately hard.

There were many nights where I would cry myself to sleep praying. Asking God why am I broken like this? Please will you fix me? Please just kill me and let this nightmare be over. I don't want to go on like this anymore. Please let me just slip away in my sleep and not come back.

Alcoholism kicked in pretty hard as well as severe obsession with role playing video games. It was my only escape from that hell. Thoughts of suicide came more and more frequently. Eventually it came down to a coin toss. I know it sounds stupid but I quite literally reached the end. Heads, I'd go off and join the Navy and travel the world. Tails I'd overdose on sleeping pills and never wake up.

Fortunately it landed heads and I wound up in the Navy recruiters office the next day. I didn't care about living anymore which made signing the enlistment papers pretty easy. Even the recruiter was surprised by how unconcerned I was about putting my life aside to join the military.

Bootcamped happened and it sucked. Submarine school happened and it was the best year and a half I can remember. Things were great and my deep depression went away, at least for a while.

Then it came back and hit hard. I found myself not giving a damn anymore about my promising military career. I started eating to help with the emotional pain which lead to obesity. Fatties aren't allowed in the military as per the physical fitness biannual exam. After failing three exams in my first enlistment I was kicked out.

Homeless and broke, depression and suicidal thoughts started coming back. Then the "fuck it all" attitude kicked in and I decided to go for it. I'm going to transition and fuck everyone who thinks I'm mentally sick or deranged. Fuck religion for making me feel like garbage. Fuck my parents for all the hurt they dished out. Fuck school, even though I finished it years ago. I'm going for it.

That was about seven months ago. Since then everything is looking up. Everything is brighter and better. Sure shit still happens, but things are constantly improving so it's not so bad. Suicidal thoughts are no longer a strong reality, they're distant memories. Depression is all but gone now. I'm genuinely feeling happy and optimistic about the future. Coming out to everyone and having positive reactions to the news has also been a relief. A huge emotional burden has been lifted.

I'm 4 months into HRT and I'm going strong.

#018 - Came out to conservative family. Went surprisingly well (HRT Day 124)

Sunday, November 3, 2013

So I finally worked up the courage to tell my family. They're pretty much the last ones to know and I've been stressing out trying to think of a way to tell them without sparking a fight. So, here's the letter I sent them:

___________________________________

So yeah, I was wondering for a while how to write this. Pretty much everyone else in my life knows already is is supportive and cool about it. You guys are pretty much the only ones left who don't know, and to be honest it's getting kinda hard to keep it a secret.

Well, to rip the band-aid off in one go, I'm transgender. I've felt that way for a VERY long time but I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I started seeing a therapist back in February for six months and have been on prescribed hormones for the past four months. I'm telling you now because I don't want to just show up for the holidays and have it be a surprise. 

I've always felt alienated and hated whenever I went to church and boy scouts, which is mainly why I wanted out. Would you follow a religion that hates you down to your core? I couldn't and I left. I hated every minute being there. You have no idea how horribly christianity in general treats LGBT folks until you're on the receiving end of it. 

I want to make it clear that this is not a cry for attention or help, this is not an act of "rebellion" or anything of the sort. I'm not out seeking approval. I'm simply letting everyone know that this is happening.

For me, coming out to myself and doing something about it has been amazing. I've gone through life so far bitter, angry, and completely lost. But now I feel whole and myself. I'm actually smiling for real now instead of just faking it for social situations. I feel genuinely happy for once. 

You've probably got a LOT of questions about it which is ok. I'm really not comfortable talking about on the phone yet. Partially because I hate talking on that cheap flip phone and partially because it's a difficult thing to talk about.

___________________________________

I wanted to force the conversation away from phone call to text an emails. It's a lot more difficult to say awful things you don't mean when it's written. But anyways, here's my moms response:

___________________________________

Hi sweetie

First and foremost, I am not upset and I am not "freaking-out".  I still love you.  That kid next door ([male name]) is also transgender.  I thought a girl had moved in next door until Dad told me it was [male name] (don't know what his name is now - kind of hard to come out and ask his mom). 

Are you planning on having surgery to become a woman? (I would think it would be pretty expensive - don't think that insurance would cover it).  My main concern is how to explain this sort of thing to others (seriously - what do you say???).  I am not ashamed and I am not embarrassed - it's just that this is uncharted territory (so to speak). 

Anyways, as far as I am concerned, this is your choice and I am OK with it.  Did you want to be the one to tell [brother]? (or does he already know?).  How about [sister]?

It's getting late and I am an old lady ;-)  Take care, sweetie and drop a line when you get a chance.

Love,

Mom

___________________________________

It went a lot better than what I imagined. But to be fair, I was expecting the worst. I let my mom tell everyone else because, honestly she loves to gossip. Anyways, Sister #1 already knows and she's been helpful and understanding about it. News spreads fast and I received this communication from Sister #2:

Sister #2: Hey Jojo, mom told me the news and I just wanted to let you know like mom and dad that I'm not judging you at all and still love you just the same. I know this is probably a really hard thing to tell people about but I just wanted to shoot you a quick email and let you know that we're here.

Me: Thanks. I've already been on this prescription for quite a while now.

Me: Also, throw out any stereotypes you may have seen on TV. The vast majority of people who've gone through this are completely indistinguishable in public. If you didn't already know, you would've never known.

Sister #2: Ok. Are you going to get the full out surgery?

Me: Yeah. But that's not going to happen for a while. Prescription takes a good one to two years first. I've already lost a LOT of muscle mass. I'm all skinny like a twig now lol.

Me: Shoe size shrank too. Went from a size 12 shoe to a size 9, and I think I should've gotten a size 8 because 9 still seems a bit loose.

Sister #2: Oh wow, ok. So this is probably a dumb question and I don't mean to come off as insensitive or anything, but do you like men or women?

Me: Nah it's cool. Questions are fine. I've always been far more attracted to men than women. I've just had to fake it all these years so people would think I'm "normal".

Sister #2: So how long have you known that something was different?

Me: Oh gosh, since like seven or eight. I just didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Mom wasn't exactly the listening type back then.

Sister #2: Was it really scary to tell mom about it?

Me: Well, a lot less scary now that I'm 1,500 miles away and not dependant.

Sister #2: Haha, true. Are you going to change your name?

Me: Kinda have to. [my real name] isn't exactly an appropriate name.

Me: But again, that isn't for a while.

Sister #2: So for now are you ok with us calling you [my real name]?

Me: Oh yeah, that's fine. Don't worry about offending. Thick skin and all. Well... not literally anymore lol.

Sister #2: Do you kind of talk in a higher tone of voice now?

Me: You know? I'm not sure. I haven't noticed it personally but others have told me it sounds "different".

Me: My female roommate who is a flight attendant says everytime she comes home from a long couple of weeks away, I sound a little higher and "refined".

Sister #2: Haha yeah

Sister #2: I'm about to go crash and take a nap, but yeah, just know none of us are disowning you or anything.

Me: That's cool.

Me: Btw Sister #1 has known for quite some time now. She keeps asking for every little detail lol

Sister #2: Oh yeah I was talking to her today about it. Is she feeling like she's going to do something like this?

Me: She said she looked into it but I don't think so.

Sister #2: Alright. Well thanks for talking about it. Ttyl!
____________________________________

And that was the end of the conversation. I really didn't want to bog everyone down with unnecessary details and stuff. I just let them know that everything changes including shoe size and voice. My shoe size really did go down but I think that was entirely because of the loss of muscle mass. My voice I've been working on but it's been slow and difficult to find alone time to practice.

About half an hour after that conversation, my dad sends me an email:
____________________________________

Hi [my real name], no worries here,
Your mom forwarded your email to me.  I hope your ok with me writing to you.
I will always consider you as part of my family.  You are always welcome home.
In no way would I ever not love you and can in no way know what you are going through and have been through.
I know I'm not your blood dad but as far as I'm concerned you are a son/  to me.  I may not understand everything but
I decided a while back that it is not my place to judge any human being.  We are all here together.  I formerly resigned from the church but don't question any one's faith or right to believe what they believe, I only question my own faith.

I have known and been friends with many people over the years especially at work here in Austin who are either lesbian, gay, transgender, doesn't make a difference to me. 

Life is an eventful journey and is too short  to be angry and judgmental or hateful towards others, I just can't do it.

Hope your ok and everybody treats you like a human being there and you're safe.


I wish you only happiness and want you to know that with all my heart.

So when you can make it, come home for the holidays or any time.

Love, Dad
_____________________________________

And that was it for the day. I'm adding the rest of the responses in as time goes by but a few days have past since I started this blog entry and nobody else has contacted me. Mom has either not told everyone or everyone else doesn't want to contact me about it. Whatever I guess.

#017 - Disrespectful health insurance rep, smartphone plan cut and looking for second job (HRT Day 119))

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

So again its been a while since I last posted. And, like always, I'm writing this as I'm about to go to bed. But whatever.

I recently had to delve into the health insurance world and it got nasty. My job is switching from company ran healthcare to a third party insurance called Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. They have a prepresentative specifically assigned to our company and all of our employees. I thought she would be perfect to ask if Anthem covers HRT and SRS.

She was less than kind and respectful. Snapped at me a lot and eventually said "OK, you're pulling my leg. Don't ever call back."

So I then had to talk to our companies Human Resources rep. That was an awkward conversation but at least she tried to be civil and mature about it. She didn't know anything about transgender people or the medical needs associated. Honestly I'm just happy she didn't ridicule or toss me out of the office.

Anyways, she went and spoke to the Anthem rep on my behalf to get some answers. What she came back with sank my heart in despair. She said Anthem will NOT cover SRS for any reason and will NOT cover HRT, despite the fact that the very medications I'm taking now through DIY are listed as covered per Anthems own booklet.

Our HR rep apologized and said she feels like she let me down. Sadly there was nothing else she could do except recommend I check out Healthcare.gov and hope for the best.

My heart sank so low that afternoon. I tried to maintain composure for the rest of my shift which was difficult. When I got to my car I was in absolute tears from the sharp rejection. I collapsed onto the couch at home just bawling in a curled up ball, pulling tightly closed the drawstring on my hoodie.

I felt so horrible that those old thoughts of suicide came rushing back. Haven't had those since I came out to myself. Thankfully I've never put forth any effort into attempts.

Never in my life did I feel so low and rejected as I did that day. Eventually my roommate pulled into the driveway and I ran upstairs to my room before he came in.

At least I can now say for sure that the HRT meds have indeed changed my emotional state and sensitivity. Just wish I could've discovered that under better circumstances.

But there's a silver lining on this dark cloud. Bless our HR rep, she went the extra mile to bypass that Anthem bigot to find answers and indeed she did.

Quite to the contrary of that Anthem rep, they do indeed cover HRT and SRS but only if a doctor says that indeed they are medically necessary. Now to find a trans friendly doctor in this conservative state.

Aside from all that, I'm struggling to stay afloat financially. I'm missing payments and paying things late far too often. My credit card is maxed out, my debit card is in the red, I barely have a quarter tank of gas left to last the week, and this next paycheck is going straight to rent. Its come down to scrounging sofas and driers for spare change.

I guess this is as good a time as any to intentionally starve for a week or two. I've been meaning to do that in a last act of desperation to lose muscle and fat. Diet and exercise is just not doing it. I'm going to be skyping home this Christmas instead of physically traveling all the way to Texas and back. I want to look good for the camera. Have my laser treatments finished up by then, have my eyebrows neat looking, have my ears pierced and with silver studs in them, and have my hair in a feminine looking style.

The only people who don't know I'm trans yet is my family who live 1500 miles away. I want to at least look the part when I'm on camera. If they ask it would be a great time to say. If they're too dense to notice then oh well. I'll bring it up after one full year on HRT.

I've recently started cutting expenses. No more eBay splurging. I cut off my smartphone in favor of a cheap Walmart flip phone. My smartphone bill was $135 per month whereas the flip phone is $50 per month for unlimited everything. There are even cheaper monthly plans which I may downgrade to. I'm saving almost $1200 per year by doing this. The only down side is that I'm going through internet withdraw symptoms. No longer can I check Facebook and reddit on lunch and breaks. I have to find a Wi-Fi hotspot to do that now.

I'm also looking into getting a second job. I absolutely want that voice feminization surgery and I'm hellbent on getting it. Maybe even FFS as well if I think I need it later down the road. But the voice thing for sure. I'll end up working 60 to 80 hours per week, but after six months of that or so, I'll be able to afford it and then some.

Anyways, I'm losing sleep and I'm typing all of this on a tablet. Time to call it a night.

#016 - Gun range fail, learning patience, discovery of voice surgery, and summary of changes (HRT Day 93)

Thursday, October 03, 2013

So tomorrow marks the three month mark of HRT. I find myself getting impatient with the whole process. Am I a girl yet? Just have to remember to be patient I guess. I've been watching a few of my favorite transgender YouTube channels. One was with violet4151. Her latest video (latest at the time of this entry) is all about learning to be patient and enjoy the transition process. She also shared a little about how she was also impatient with the time it takes. I found that thought a bit comforting. I've been making stupid (but harmless) mistakes in my transition because I'm getting impatient. I'm on a steady regiment of hormones and I should just keep it that way for the next year or so.

Anyways, right after my previous entry, I went to a pawn shop and bought a gun. It's a SAR B6P Compact 9mm and I like it. It was one of the key items that was missing from my entire survival preparation inventory:

(sorry, I couldn't get the picture to rotate correctly)

I took it out to the range with a hundred target rounds:

(at least I had the gun pointed in the correct general direction)

Kinda sucked yeah I know. I'm a terrible shot as you can see in the picture. My shots kept drifting downward and I think it's because I'm jerking the trigger instead of squeezing. The range itself was fairly intimidating as the place was full of rednecks and ultra conservative looking types. I kept receiving strange glares from others and I felt super awkward just being there, but I did my business and left without incident.

You wouldn't believe how many rules and regulations this range has. It all revolves around safety and not accidentally discharging your gun. 

I'll probably pick up a few more target rounds and practice some more next month or so. Can't practice as much as I'd like, it's rather expensive.

Speaking of expenses, I saw an interesting thread in the /r/asktransgender where a user posted her results of before and after voice surgery. The change is absolutely amazing and the best part is that it's almost completely risk free. The surgeon just goes in down the throat and synches together about a third of the vocal cords. Smaller opening means higher pitch. Higher pitch sounds more feminine. The change is advertised to be around an average of a 75 Hr z increase. The surgeon can increase that further but he is concerned that it may sound too high and unnatural.

I want this. Of all the surgeries on my to-get list, this one just shot up to number one. Maybe even higher than a trachea shave. I could probably get both at the same time from the same surgeon. The price tag is unfortunately high. $7,500 just for the operation. Factor in the cost of a plane ticket to Seol, S. Korea and lodging/food for ten days and it'll bring up the cost to around $11,000.  Tack on whatever the cost is for the trachea shave as well. Yikes.

Recovery time from what I understand is relatively quick and results are just as fast. The ten days after the surgery, the patient is not supposed to use their voice at all. After the surgeon checks it out on the tenth day, you're sent on your merry way home with instruction to go easy on the voice for one to two months before fully speaking/singing/shouting.

I want this, but as soon as I get home, it will become immediately obvious to anyone who hears me. I leave one day sounding like a guy and come back ten days later sounding like a girl. Fortunately by the time I'm able to afford this, I think I'll be good on the appearance passing part. Still though, the cost is going to hurt and I'm going to have to really tighten up my budget, maybe take up a part time job to help.

I'm still paying for DIY hormones out of pocket which costs anywhere from $100 to $150 per month and I don't make all that much. There's wiggle room in the budget but it will take a serious financial commitment to reach this.

Anyways, for my three month mark here's what's gone down so far:

1) Physical changes have been for the most part unnoticeable. Breasts are starting to grow which I noticed a couple of weeks ago. It's definitely not imagined or anything. They ache and itch all the time but thankfully not to any serious uncomfortable degree. Touching them feels like a sore old bruise. There's now definitely noticeable mass and bounce now. I've started looking into sports bras and camisoles that aren't visually obvious under my shirt.

2) Skin has become noticeably thinner? I'm not sure that thinner is the right word. I work in a machine shop which means I get minor little scrapes and bruises all the time. They never bothered me before but now every little bump scrape and bruise hurts more than usual.

3) Muscle mass has gone down somewhat. Not a lot or even a moderate amount, but noticeably. I think so, but it's probably the continuing fat weight loss. I'm so close to breaking down through the 180 lbs barrier. Resisting junk food has become very difficult.

4) Dysphoria has now started kicking in at, of all places, the break room at work. At lunch and during breaks, the TV is blasting out Fox News hate at full volume. The break room is full of people nodding along like some kind of fucked up church. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to breath in that room with all that going on.

I actually left my lunch on the table and walked out when Fox was putting a negative spin on transgender people and a coworker blurted out "If I evah see one of dem faggots near me, I fuckin stab em!". This followed by another coworker saying "aint that the truth" with additional coworkers doing the head nodding and occasional "amens" from somewhere.

Fox News at that time was doing its worst to portray transgender people as ugly, nasty, sleazy and perverted as possible while this went on. In truth I don't think that coworker would actually stab someone, and I highly doubt he's ever even met a trans person.

5) Emotions haven't really seemed to be affected all that much. Maybe it has yet to kick in or maybe I've always had the emotions of a female and never knew otherwise. They do swell up and down from time to time, but nowhere close to what I would consider out of control in any way. I still have a firm lid on it, so to speak. Who knows though, that may change later.

6) My high degree of tiredness when I first started HRT is almost completely gone. I'm at 8mg of E and 212mg of Spiro ATM (I split a 25mg pill which is where the 12 comes from). It seems to be the right balance for me. I still need to go get blood work done again, but for the time being, hormones feel like they've settled and leveled out in a good place.

7) Sexual drive is barely there anymore. I'll think about sex maybe once a week and only for a fleeting moment or two. Even then, it doesn't really catch my interest anymore. I'm sure that sounds absolutely horrifying to someone else, but honestly I don't mind or even miss it. I have a feeling of calm and content that I actually really like.

8) Speaking of which, my mood for the most part is quite calm and content. Stuff that agrivates the hell out of coworkers doesn't phase me much. I'm not walking around in a stupor or anything, it's just that these sorts of problems that arise in the workplace just don't seem all that worthy of getting all worked up over. Which is great because one of my coworkers casually undid several weeks worth of work that half a dozen of us put in. I was initially charging up into WTF! mode, but then shrugged and moved on.

9) Taste in music has changed. I used to be into classic rock and modern rock, AC/DC and Metallica. Music that pumped you up and all. Now my interest in music has drifted into more light hearted stuff like Katy Perry and Bruno Mars.

10) Cravings for salty foods went up noticeably. I'm told that's a side effect of spiro.
11) Internal thoughts have started going all over the place. I find it hard to daydream and hard to focus on just one main thought. There's all these other side related thoughts racing around now which is very distracting.

12) Desire to play video games has dropped off dramatically. It's probably related to number 11 I imagine. Video games just don't hold my interest like they used to. Violent and/or aggressive video games much less so. When I do have an interest in gaming, it's usually for slow paced puzzle games.


Well that should about do it. This was an unusually long entry and it's already 10:30pm. Should've gone to bed half an hour ago like I always try to do.

#015 - Bewbs! Back in online gaming and credit card stuffs (HRT Day 83)

Monday, September 23, 2013

BEWBS!!!!

lol, but to knock out more serious stuff first. I recently started up a new EvE Online account with a new character of the same name, Jojo Rumbles. I already have two other accounts of which are quite old characters. But it's fun playing as a newbie again. Everything seems fresh this time around. Plus I'm flying with an alliance called Brave Newbies Inc which has been a blast. I haven't had this much fun in a very long time in EvE.

Since this blog and my character have the same name, it's inevitable that someone ingame will find this blog, and will no doubt have questions. I really only intended for this to be one way. Others who are curious or have questions about the transition process can find me ingame if they want. Preferably not the other way around with EvE players finding the blog.
But if that's the case and you're here, please understand that this blog is meant to help others who are going through the transition process. It's not meant for fellow EvE players. You can read it if you really want but fair warning, it does get weird graphic and awkward for both the reader and the writer. You've been warned (and for EvE players thinking of blackmail, as EvE players are want to do, don't bother. I'm an open book).

That being said, most of my doubt as to whether the E is working is gone. I'm about 80% sure it's working now because I'm getting constant soreness in my chest. Normally that only happens when I wear a new shirt and/or am pouring sweat. Not the case anymore. There's definitely soreness and increased sensitivity there. Yay boobs, but it's also a bit annoying. Every bump, scratch and touch hurts a little. Not painful but more like an old bruise that hasn't gone away. There's also definite mass there too. My upper arms keep bumping them all day and there's a bit more bounce going on. I'm told it'll get worse and better at the same time.

I'm coming up on the three month mark which is great. Time is passing so very slow that it's starting to drive me nuts. HRT is magic as I'm told, but it sucks for the impatient (that would be me). My diet isn't going very well. Lately I've been having intense cravings for salty and sweet junk foods. Even with going to the gym every other day, weight loss has come to a standstill and I blame my poor willpower to resist tasty temptations. I'm giving serious considerations again to starvation for a week or two. I haven't mostly because I have food in the fridge that will go bad by then.

I finally got my credit union credit card in the mail today. Comes with a thousand dollar spending limit and the interest rates are low. Temptation to go buck wild and spend on stupid shit is there, but I know better. Mistakes were made with credit cards when I first moved out of my parents house. Mostly out of necessity for not living under a bridge and putting food on the table, but I've learned from those mistakes. Besides, I intend to use this card for emergencies and for electrolysis which I hope to start either this Friday or next.

I'm also considering taking a train down to Austin this Christmas. I haven't been home in almost three years. The price tag is a bit steep. $750 for a round trip plane ticket.