So three days ago was the eleventh month mark on HRT. Not on doctor prescribed HRT, but it all still counts. I'm getting so very close to the one year mark. I thought I'd be ready to go full time by then but from here it's obviously not going to happen.
I finally had my last session of laser hair removal with zero results. That's seven months wasted. So now I have a choice of either going with a different laser hair removal place or breaking down and getting electrolysis done. I'll have to ask around first but it's looking highly likely that it'll be electrolysis. I'm going to be setting an appointment for this upcoming Friday afternoon. We'll see how it goes.
So my workplace finally got a bathroom situated for me to use. Finally. However they did it in the least preferred way possible. HR was *supposed* to pull aside my two other female coworkers and have a conference on what's going on and what to expect in the future. Instead, HR waited until the very last minute, ripped out my coworkers lockers and just told them bluntly that there's a "tranny" working here and their bathroom is now a unisex bathroom.
Well one of my coworkers flipped her lid. Not only did they take her stuff which was in the lockers, but they told her in the worst way. She's a "good christian woman" so she took it badly. Stomping around bitching and hollering all day long. If there were coworkers who didn't know I was trans, they do now, or at least someone in the warehouse.
Fortunately it was Friday afternoon when it happened. When Monday rolled around she calmed down and there was no more drama. So now I can use the bathroom and it's a single occupancy so no drama.
Anyways, the whole facial hair thing is seriously becoming a hindrance to passing. When I have concealer on I seem to pass fairly well. But the concealer can't hide all the stubble so it's for the most part ineffective. It's really frustrating because I'm so very ready to go full time. I hate this awful androgyny stage of looking female on everything except face. It sucks.
I really want this done and over with. Close shaves don't last nearly as long as I need it to last. Ugh it's infuriating. I think the worst part is that I need to let it grow out all next week just for the electrologist has enough to grab with tweezers. I'm thinking mustache and chin need to go first. They're the worst offenders.
As a final thought, I'm still thinking about what surgery I want to get. I'm getting about $1,300 a month in checks from the government so I can afford some surgery of choice in the relatively near future. I really want to get the voice surgery from Yeson, but that's a LOT of money. I'm also considering other forms of voice surgery that are here in the US but they seem sketchy. The other ones that cost a lot less are a trachea shave, breast augmentation and possibly a nose job.
And that's about it for now.
Saturday, June 7, 2014
#033 - Just a public service announcement.
So a week ago I was getting really fed up with facial hair. It still causes problems for me and laser doesn't seem to be doing the trick.
In an act of desperation, I shaved as close as I could, then immediately used a hair removal product called Veet.
Let me tell you, this stuff is NOT intended for use on the face. It even has a warning on the label that says don't use on your face. This stuff burned my face and caused a LOT of pain.
It caused severe redness, cracking of skin, bleeding, rash and agonizing pain. I couldn't shave or even smile for a whole week afterwards. The pain was just too much.
So in case disphoria over facial hair is eating at you, please please please do not use Veet, Nair or similar products on your face.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
#032 - 10 Month milestone, mourning the old me, and college yay! (HRT Day 308)
Tuesday, May 06 2014
So last Sunday was my tenth month on HRT which is amazing. Time sure flies and it seems only yesterday that I started. I'm getting very VERY close to going full time but there's a major problem: facial hair.
I'm still wrestling with this. My seventh IPL "laser" session is coming up in early June and so far from it all I've seen zero reduction in facial hair. It's driving me nuts. I did let it grow out a bit in the hopes that I could wax it off but that didn't work. Chemical solutions such as Nair and Veet didn't work either. I even tried using an electric epilator on my face which proved extremely painful and ineffective. Tweezing was an option but it just takes far too long and I can't get a good angle on some spots.
I did pick up another electric epilator which has only one rotating tooth instead of the other, which has nine rotating teeth. This might work out better than grinding away at a lot of hairs at the same time. We'll see. For now I'm back to shaving which still leaves a noticeable 5 o'clock shadow.
I've experimented with concealers my roommate lent to me. They don't completely hide the shadow, but it does a great job concealing much of it.
Anyways, I'm actually starting college soon. Like, really soon. The 12th if the date I was quoted is accurate. School orientation is Wednesday the 7th, tomorrow. I don't know if I'm completely ready, but I'll be working full time plus the GI Bill will give me an extra $1,000 or so extra per month for "living expenses". The bill assumes I'm going to be going to school full time and have no other income, which I do.
Working and going to school full time is going to be hard, no doubt. But I see opportunity here to afford many of the surgeries that I really want to get, especially the vocal cord surgery, breast augmentation, nose job and trachea shave. My face already looks rather feminine (disregard those awful pics from previous blog entries). A nose job would really help I think. Right now it looks like a masculine Jewish nose which I hate.
A quick note. I had to come out to my landlord recently about transitioning. She owns the house but is still in the Navy and is stationed in Japan. I basically asked if there would be any problems with lease signature since I'm going to have my name changed in the future. And I also mentioned that my gender is changing as well. She replied with "It's fine. I don't care". She's rather short and blunt with answers so that's the best I could've hoped for.
Moving on to the main topic, morning the death of my old self. I was reading a thread on reddit about a mom who's kid is transgender and she was morning her former son. She asked if it was weird or sad that she was mourning the person who her daughter used to be, her son. I got to thinking that it's not weird at all and seems rather rational.
I got to thinking of my old self and how I've changed so much. The old me: Chris and the new me: Kris. Chris was already dying. He was so depressed and angry at the world that he was burning out. It was just a matter of time before he died, whether it be by his hand or another cause. Either way, he was dying.
The new me, Kris basically took over. As I transitioned, nearly everything about me changed. My personality, my likes and dislikes, interests, my handwriting and pretty much everything changed. I still have all the memories and experiences of Chris, but I'm not that person. Not anymore.
Chris is, for all further consideration, dead. He passed away months ago. And to be honest, I kinda miss him. Chris was never real to begin with, he was just a mask that I wore so long that it took on a life of its own. Even still, I do miss him. He was an old friend that shielded me from the harsh world of bigotry and misunderstanding. But now that he's gone I feel vulnerable and a bit scared. I'm exposed to the real world as the real me.
He was also a curse. He hated the world and wished harm on anyone and everyone. He neglected hygiene and cleanliness, both self and apartment. He cried himself to sleep every night begging for god to change him. That eventually changed to begging god for death. To fall asleep and just not wake up anymore.
Like I said, Chris was already dying and it was only a matter of time before he did. It's been a continuing adventure discovering who I am now. It's an interesting journey so far and although the future looks bright and amazing, I still think about the old Chris from time to time in a sad way.
So last Sunday was my tenth month on HRT which is amazing. Time sure flies and it seems only yesterday that I started. I'm getting very VERY close to going full time but there's a major problem: facial hair.
I'm still wrestling with this. My seventh IPL "laser" session is coming up in early June and so far from it all I've seen zero reduction in facial hair. It's driving me nuts. I did let it grow out a bit in the hopes that I could wax it off but that didn't work. Chemical solutions such as Nair and Veet didn't work either. I even tried using an electric epilator on my face which proved extremely painful and ineffective. Tweezing was an option but it just takes far too long and I can't get a good angle on some spots.
I did pick up another electric epilator which has only one rotating tooth instead of the other, which has nine rotating teeth. This might work out better than grinding away at a lot of hairs at the same time. We'll see. For now I'm back to shaving which still leaves a noticeable 5 o'clock shadow.
I've experimented with concealers my roommate lent to me. They don't completely hide the shadow, but it does a great job concealing much of it.
Anyways, I'm actually starting college soon. Like, really soon. The 12th if the date I was quoted is accurate. School orientation is Wednesday the 7th, tomorrow. I don't know if I'm completely ready, but I'll be working full time plus the GI Bill will give me an extra $1,000 or so extra per month for "living expenses". The bill assumes I'm going to be going to school full time and have no other income, which I do.
Working and going to school full time is going to be hard, no doubt. But I see opportunity here to afford many of the surgeries that I really want to get, especially the vocal cord surgery, breast augmentation, nose job and trachea shave. My face already looks rather feminine (disregard those awful pics from previous blog entries). A nose job would really help I think. Right now it looks like a masculine Jewish nose which I hate.
A quick note. I had to come out to my landlord recently about transitioning. She owns the house but is still in the Navy and is stationed in Japan. I basically asked if there would be any problems with lease signature since I'm going to have my name changed in the future. And I also mentioned that my gender is changing as well. She replied with "It's fine. I don't care". She's rather short and blunt with answers so that's the best I could've hoped for.
Moving on to the main topic, morning the death of my old self. I was reading a thread on reddit about a mom who's kid is transgender and she was morning her former son. She asked if it was weird or sad that she was mourning the person who her daughter used to be, her son. I got to thinking that it's not weird at all and seems rather rational.
I got to thinking of my old self and how I've changed so much. The old me: Chris and the new me: Kris. Chris was already dying. He was so depressed and angry at the world that he was burning out. It was just a matter of time before he died, whether it be by his hand or another cause. Either way, he was dying.
The new me, Kris basically took over. As I transitioned, nearly everything about me changed. My personality, my likes and dislikes, interests, my handwriting and pretty much everything changed. I still have all the memories and experiences of Chris, but I'm not that person. Not anymore.
Chris is, for all further consideration, dead. He passed away months ago. And to be honest, I kinda miss him. Chris was never real to begin with, he was just a mask that I wore so long that it took on a life of its own. Even still, I do miss him. He was an old friend that shielded me from the harsh world of bigotry and misunderstanding. But now that he's gone I feel vulnerable and a bit scared. I'm exposed to the real world as the real me.
He was also a curse. He hated the world and wished harm on anyone and everyone. He neglected hygiene and cleanliness, both self and apartment. He cried himself to sleep every night begging for god to change him. That eventually changed to begging god for death. To fall asleep and just not wake up anymore.
Like I said, Chris was already dying and it was only a matter of time before he did. It's been a continuing adventure discovering who I am now. It's an interesting journey so far and although the future looks bright and amazing, I still think about the old Chris from time to time in a sad way.
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
#031 - TransMormon video. (HRT Day 288)
Wednesday, April 16 2014
Not much to share really. Just wanted to share a video called TransMormon.
TransMormon
(sorry, this blog website won't let me make a real link to the video).
I love it as I also used to be a member of the Mormon church. Definitely worth a watch.
Anyways, that's all.
Not much to share really. Just wanted to share a video called TransMormon.
TransMormon
(sorry, this blog website won't let me make a real link to the video).
I love it as I also used to be a member of the Mormon church. Definitely worth a watch.
Anyways, that's all.
Sunday, April 6, 2014
#030 - Ma'am'ed on the phone, boymode fail, more with HR and college. (HRT Day 276)
Friday, April 4 2014
Earlier in the day I got a call from the head HR guy. I'm to meet him in his office after break time. No explanation given. What knowledge I have about him, he's a very "fire & brimstone" religious guy. Alarm bells are going off in my head. I'm always on time for work, I'm diligent in my work, supervisors are always commending me, always have a positive attitude so whatever it is it's probably related to my transition.
Fearing the worst, I pulled out my smartphone, hit Record, and walked into his office for the meeting. I figured that if I'm going to be disciplined or fired for being trans, I'll have an audio recording of it plus past supervisor commendations to take to court with me in filing a discrimination suit.
The conversation was actually quite pleasant and he was looking to hammer out the details and possible accommodations for a transgender employee. To his credit, he doesn't know anything about transgender issues, but he's trying. He's turning one of the two women's warehouse bathrooms into a unisex bathroom. It's a single occupancy bathroom which also doubles as a locker room. Not exactly the solution I was looking for, but in my opinion an acceptable accommodation. Counting myself, there's only two women in the entire warehouse anyways.
I'm just glad I don't have to use the men's bathroom anymore. I've been getting a LOT of confused looks. I won't dare use the men's locker rooms.
I'm so glad I recorded the conversation for another reason, my voice. I haven't been practicing my voice much if at all. Maybe ten minutes here and there. It's something I've been beating myself up over (along with going back to the gym regularly). In fact, the only thing I've been doing is scrunching my tongue back a little (kinda like the beginnings of a yawn) and talking like that. It's harder to enunciate with my tongue unable to move as much as it's needed to form words, so I'm practicing forming words primarily with my lips. It's working out quite well to my surprise and with such little practice. The office recording is linked here:
http://soundcloud.com/jojorumbles/hr-conversation-mike-4-4-2014
(may want to turn your sound up to hear it)
I've been told on Reddit I sound like a young male teenager which is amusing. I'm almost 32 so maybe having a voice at that range might work. I was ma'amed on the phone at work with it so I'll stick with it for now.
Anyways, my boymode at work is really starting to fail. Delivery drivers who see me are asking my coworkers if I'm a "chick or a dude" because apparently they can't tell. My forearms are thinning out, my face is becoming quite feminine (pics from the last blog entry don't do it justice), I have visible boobs, my voice seems to pass yet I have a five o'clock shadow and Adam's apple.
The drivers are puzzled, coworkers who rarely ever see me are puzzled and this is me intentionally trying not to pass. I'd wear facial hair concealer and natural makeup, but I work in a hot sweaty warehouse which tends to destroy makeup. I have an electric epilator coming in the mail soon (I'm desperate). I know they're super painful and can leave irritation marks on the skin, but this laser hair removal is just taking way too long and I've yet to see any progress. I'm coming up on my sixth treatment with zero results so far. I'm going to have to purchase another 6-treatment special off of Groupon or something. Definitely with a different company.
And then there's college. I've started looking into going to school for my bachelors and to train for medical administration. Right now I'm stuck filling out a LOT of tedious financial aid paperwork. It's slow going and may consume the entire weekend. But it'll be worth it. On top of working full time, I'll also be receiving a "living wage" through my GI Bill which I'll be saving for surgeries.
Moving on. Physically I can't hide my figure anymore. Boobs are really REALLY obvious and although I'm overjoyed that they're getting bigger, they stick out like a sore thumb. They're definitely an A cup now, though the shape doesn't exactly conform to bras. They stick out sort of like rounded road cones which I find unappealing, but I guess they'll fill out in time. They already look fantastic under a t-shirt.
I still have a lot of body mass to lose. My legs are still massively muscular which I don't know how to bring down aside from starving. Maybe a no-protean diet? I don't know. I also want my neck, upper arms and belly fat to thin out. I've been neglecting the gym and making excuses not to go. It's time to get back on that.
On a last note, I really don't like how my picture turned out in the last blog entry. There were about a dozen or so pictures taken that day and those were the best of them. I need to start practicing makeup on my own.
Moving on. Physically I can't hide my figure anymore. Boobs are really REALLY obvious and although I'm overjoyed that they're getting bigger, they stick out like a sore thumb. They're definitely an A cup now, though the shape doesn't exactly conform to bras. They stick out sort of like rounded road cones which I find unappealing, but I guess they'll fill out in time. They already look fantastic under a t-shirt.
I still have a lot of body mass to lose. My legs are still massively muscular which I don't know how to bring down aside from starving. Maybe a no-protean diet? I don't know. I also want my neck, upper arms and belly fat to thin out. I've been neglecting the gym and making excuses not to go. It's time to get back on that.
On a last note, I really don't like how my picture turned out in the last blog entry. There were about a dozen or so pictures taken that day and those were the best of them. I need to start practicing makeup on my own.
Sunday, March 16, 2014
#029 - First time with makeup. (HRT Day 257)
Sunday, March 16 2014
My roommate who's in her mid 60's wanted to do my makeup today. I agreed and this was the result. Keep in mind that, although my eyebrows were trimmed, they still need work. I'm also still wrestling with facial hair which is a major obstacle to passing. My lips are super chapped which makes lipstick look terrible, but doesn't really show in the pictures. I'm also trying to lose about 30 or 40 more pounds. I started at 215, dropped to 180 and I'd like to go as low as 140.
As for the makeup.... I'm ok with it but not really all that thrilled. I think makeup, like fashion, goes in and out of style and I think this is a bit out of style. I'd like to not have to use so much concealer on my face but I'd have to if I wanted to conceal facial hair. The makeup looks really REALLY obvious and it doesn't really work to conceal under my chin and jaw bones.
Still, it's another big step in transition and I wanted to share.
Saturday, March 15, 2014
#028 - Forced to go full time soon, money troubles worsen and time for makeup. (HRT Day 256)
Saturday, May 15 2014
Well it seems I may have to go full time a lot sooner than I had planned. Warm weather is coming soon which means I can't wear baggy clothing to hide my figure anymore. Without it, I clearly have an hourglass figure and boobs going on. Combine that with chin length hair feminine looking face (more so than the last picture), and it's clear what's going on.
Tomorrow my roommate wants to take me shopping for makeup and to get my eyebrows shaped. I'm not really sure what to think of all this. I was nice and comfortable just popping a pill and going about my day. But I guess it's time to leave my comfort zone and further my transition. All I know is there are awkward times to come.
I'm not sure how well facial hair concealer will hold up to heat and sweat. Facial hair isn't going away nearly as fast as I was hoping for. I need to buy another six sessions of laser hair removal soon and I have no clue how to pay for it.
Money has become a growing problem lately. Bills are piling up and I simply cannot keep pace. I'm looking for a second job, but that may take a while to get. My tax return was confiscated by the US Navy in their efforts to recoup my enlistment bonus. I was really counting on that money to help take care of bills and for makeup/salon needs.
Honestly, I'm kinda scared about going full time. I've been neglecting my voice practice and workouts which are important. I still mostly have the pitch of a guy but with some playing around I can get my voice where it needs to be. Physically, I'm very flabby. Bicep muscles have turned into fat but still look large. I really need to lose 30 pounds at least.
That's about all I've got going for now. I may sell off the last of my paintball/airsoft gear to help pay bills and such. I don't really foresee ever playing again.
Well it seems I may have to go full time a lot sooner than I had planned. Warm weather is coming soon which means I can't wear baggy clothing to hide my figure anymore. Without it, I clearly have an hourglass figure and boobs going on. Combine that with chin length hair feminine looking face (more so than the last picture), and it's clear what's going on.
Tomorrow my roommate wants to take me shopping for makeup and to get my eyebrows shaped. I'm not really sure what to think of all this. I was nice and comfortable just popping a pill and going about my day. But I guess it's time to leave my comfort zone and further my transition. All I know is there are awkward times to come.
I'm not sure how well facial hair concealer will hold up to heat and sweat. Facial hair isn't going away nearly as fast as I was hoping for. I need to buy another six sessions of laser hair removal soon and I have no clue how to pay for it.
Money has become a growing problem lately. Bills are piling up and I simply cannot keep pace. I'm looking for a second job, but that may take a while to get. My tax return was confiscated by the US Navy in their efforts to recoup my enlistment bonus. I was really counting on that money to help take care of bills and for makeup/salon needs.
Honestly, I'm kinda scared about going full time. I've been neglecting my voice practice and workouts which are important. I still mostly have the pitch of a guy but with some playing around I can get my voice where it needs to be. Physically, I'm very flabby. Bicep muscles have turned into fat but still look large. I really need to lose 30 pounds at least.
That's about all I've got going for now. I may sell off the last of my paintball/airsoft gear to help pay bills and such. I don't really foresee ever playing again.
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