Saturday, December 07, 2013
So I was invited to a transgender support group some time ago. Today was the get-together. All day long I had butterflies in my stomach. I had no clue what to expect, what to bring if anything, and just anything really. No clue what to expect.
It went surprisingly well. I know I'm going to be offensive in saying this, but I still have old transphobic stereotypes and was expecting those stereotypes to play out. Well that didn't happen. Everyone was polite and fun. Nobody was dressed over sexualized or slutty. I even had a bit of fun as well, though "arts-n-crafts time" seemed forced and nobody really seemed interested. It was mostly social interacting.
There was a group from another city visiting. They were asking for volunteers to participate in their project which was to show the true face behind the transgender community. Some were willing to have their picture taken. Others were not which is understandable.
Interestingly enough, I found myself actually socializing which is a first for me. I'm usually the one who's avoiding talking to anyone or participating in anything, watching the clock eagerly awaiting for it to be over. Not this time however. I think the idea of not having to hide who I really am really helped. It felt amazing actually, not having to pretend or feel ashamed.
I'm still questioning my sexuality. Before HRT I was solid 100% attracted to women. After HRT, my sex drive dropped off dramatically, but I was still attracted to women. I'm now starting to notice guys. Not in a sexual way (at least so far), but I can definitely see the appeal now. I used to be so terrified that if I allowed myself to have gay thoughts, I'd turn gay. Now that I allow myself to have any thoughts about any gender, I find that's not the case. I'm still attracted to women sexually and attracted to guys a little in a non sexual way.
Anyways, I'm now on my 5th month of HRT. It's been an interesting ride so far. Changes have been so gradual that it feels like nothing is happening at all. I don't pass nor am I trying. My eyebrows, facial hair, voice and hair style are still a problem for me. But those issues aside, it's clear that genuine progress is happening which is awesome. I don't plan on passing until about 1 year of HRT or longer. Plenty of time to work on said issues. I still have concerns about Adams apple, but from what I understand it's a relatively cheap operation to take.
I'm currently still broke. December is going to be a lean month, budget wise. At least I can afford food and necessities which is what's important. One of my bills I'm going to miss by a week unfortunately, but I think I'll be ok. I had to pawn my pistol and tablet to make ends meet last month. I plan on getting the tablet back and repawning the gun again. The pawn shop wants full payment instead of partial payments. Repawning it only costs $20 extra. I'll definitely have enough to get it back in January.
I'm not sure what else I can add to this blog entry. There was something else but I can't think of it atm. Things are progressing ok at a steady pace and I'm content with it. To be honest I'm still a bit freaked out as presenting and passing as female. I don't know why, it's what I wanted. But it's frightening none the less.
