#044 - My third youtube video is finally shot, edited, and uploaded. Yay!

Sunday, November 23, 2014

Yay! Third video is up and ready. It took a LONG time to get around to this, as I explain in the video.

Aaaaaaaaaand I look goofy as fuck. I sound all serious and dopey which I'm normally not. I'm a clown for most of the time.

#043 - Definitely a new video tomorrow. I have time for it, damnit! It's going to get done this weekend.

Saturday, November 22, 2014

Damnit! I keep putting this off and it's bugging the heck out of me. I was supposed to put out a video weeks ago, yet life kept getting in the way. Well not this Sunday. I have no homework or projects due this upcoming school week which means this weekend is a freebee.

This is just a quicky post. Nothing special or exciting to add here because I'll put it in the video.

So as a weird thing, I decided to google my username JoJoRumbles and got some very strange results:

JoJoRumble Google Image Search

Some of those pictures are related to me, most aren't, and a few are strangely disturbing. Hairy boobs picture is especially disturbing.

Googling my old and new legal name comes up with zero results, I'm happy to say.

#042 - Loads of school pressure, vehicle inspection fail, and I need to buy cloths again.

Sunday, November 9, 2014

So school work has really ramped up in the past month or so. All the blow-off easy classes seem to be over and now I'm in the meat and potatoes of the degree. Last semester it was Introduction to Healthcare Administration which I barely passed. This semester it's Healthcare Ethics and Healthcare Marketing, both of which are insanely difficult. Here are my books for the three classes:

I'm no expert, but I believe two of these books were published by Daleks. What else could account for such miserable topics. They're such a pain to read, honestly. They're dry, boring, and entirely uninteresting. But I need to know these cover to cover if I have any hope of earning a masters. Especially the APA manual as I have to write a lot.

I really really want to make another YouTube video. I've been neglecting it for a long time now. It's just hard to find a peaceful free moment. They're not easy to do either. A lot of editing and do-overs are involved. It isn't just hitting record and pushing it onto the website as is. I had plans on shooting one this weekend, but car problems came up.

I took my car in to get inspected and I was so sure it would pass. Everything seems to be in good working order until the report came back in:

That really sucks. Rear tire tread doesn't have enough tread and front brake pads are a little too worn out. It's going to cost $350 to fix them both. I can get cheap used tires sufficient to pass inspection, but the brake pads are the killer here. I can probably just buy them and replace them myself in the driveway. I'm no stranger to mechanics and working on things. It's just that I've never done this and I'm relying on Google and YouTube tutorials to guide me through it.

I need to save every penny I can and this is the best way possible. I also have to go cloths shopping again. My teachers have made it abundantly clear we are no longer allowed to wear casual cloths. No jeans, no sneakers, no t shirts or anything like that. Business casual or professional is what we're required to wear:

Now, I am definitely not a business dress kind of girl. I prefer jeans, boots, and getting down and dirty when necessary. This is going to be weird for me, more uncharted territory that I'm wandering into. I also need to stop swearing like a sailor and telling dirty jokes. It's not appropriate for a lady nor a business setting.

I have no idea how I'm going to afford either one of these, but I'll manage. I think I can be a little ninja and drive with a rejection sticker for a little while. Long enough to afford fixing.

Well that's about it for now. I'm going to try and make a video tomorrow evening if I can. It's going to be 11pm at night and I'm going to be physically and mentally exhausted from school and work, but we'll see how it works.

#041 - Busy busy busy. A late post and plans to make another video. (HRT 1 year, 3 months)

 Sunday, October 19, 2014

So...... yeah sorry about the lateness of this post. I made a second YouTube video and it's been out for a couple of weeks already. I've been meaning to edit it a little as well as post it here, but I'm just so busy. School, work, and now hanging out with even more new friends on the weekend. Plus I have a midterm to take, another quiz, an essay, and a huge end term paper to write. The first three I need to finish tonight but have neglected. I meant to work on them earlier today, but I procrastinated and waited until after the new Walking Dead episode.

Anyways, here's the second YouTube video:

Anyways, I'd like to make another video tomorrow if I can. I'm going to try to make one tomorrow night about how to obtain HRT. I see this question a LOT on Reddit and I think it just needs to be addressed.

Yesterday I attended a Halloween party, hosted by an Atheist Humanist group I found on Meetup. I was super nervous and afraid I would be called out as trans. It's an irrational fear since they're all Humanists, but it was still scary. I went in full girl mode in my Halloween costume. My biggest issues were facial hair and adams apple. Fortunately the makeup covered the what hair I have left and my scarf covered the apple.

Still. I thought it would look a lot better than it did. It was "supposed" to be a character straight out of the movie Pleasantville, but it ended up looking like 1950s zombie girl. The paint cracked and chipped away so much that it looked awful. Here's the pic:

I looked back at the pictures and cringed. I really really look fat and bloated. That's a wake up call for me to get my fat butt back to the gym. Find some time somewhere in my busy schedule and go running, at least for a half an hour a day would be great.

I'm going to try and squeeze in a half hour of running around the block after work and before school starts. That means I'll have to eat dinner at school which can be tricky.

And that's about it for now. I'm actually supposed to be doing my homework right now.

Later.

#040 - First YouTube video, yay! (HRT 1 year, 2 months)

So this is my first YouTube video. I knew from very early on that I wanted to start a video series and answer the same questions that keep popping up. I'm a little nervous as you can probably tell in the video. I don't do a whole lot of public speaking. Plus English is not my first language, it's actually Spanish. Believe it or not, until I was about five I think, I didn't speak a word of English. It was all Spanish. I speak English now and for the most part fluently. Don't ask me to speak or read Spanish, I've pretty much forgotten it all, but I still struggle a bit with some words.

Anyways, here's the video:

There were only three video thumbnails to choose from and this was the best of the three. No really, this was the best :-/

#039 - Went out in full girl mode, denial of health insurance again, and possibly a date this weekend. (HRT 1 year 2 months)

Friday, September 12, 2014

So last weekend I hung out with fellow LGBT friends and I was in full girl mode. We went to the monthly transgender meeting at the LGBT center where we acted like total goofballs texting each other goofy stuff. Then we went to a friends house for video game night. We also grabbed some fast food on the way over.

I wouldn't exactly call that going full time or fully out-n-about, but it was the first time I shed off all boy cloths and went out as me. Scary as hell, but it was nice. I also had my hair straightened which looked AMAZING!!!!! :-)

Anyways, more garbage from my useless health insurance, Anthem BC/BS. They've decided that, while they're happy to take my money, they will no longer provide me with any service whatsoever, for anything. Of course, I'm appealing and I fully intend to fight this all the way, but it's such a pain in the butt. Attorneys may have to be involved, lawsuits, win/loss, appeals, on and on. I refuse to back down on this.

The last little bit is that I think I may have a date tonight with a guy I met on a dating website. He seems nice, is super nerdy, and totally OK with me being transgender. He had a hard time actually asking me out, his messages danced around the idea, but he couldn't say it because he's shy.

He'd say things like "Gosh cutie and maybe a date?" and "We should sometime." To which I responded with "Are you asking?" and "LOL are you asking or suggesting?" He finally came around to saying yes and he's too shy to come out and say it. I have a feeling he might flake out which is OK, I don't mind. I'll remain cautiously optimistic yet prepared for disappointment.

And that's about it. I'm a year and two months on HRT which is awesome. I'm still fighting with facial hair which is taking FOREVER to have removed, and yay boobs. I bought a few nice padded bras that look freaking amazing. Makes all the tops I wear really pop.

I might start recording YouTube videos soon. It's something I knew from the start that I wanted to do. There are certain people I'd like to thank for inspiration, Jordan and her channel minorqback for example. I've seen lots of YouTube videos from other trans women, but hers really spoke to me in a way none of the others could. Here's this girl who's a feminine tomboy and into sports, something I can really relate to. I don't really have much interest in the outlandish cutesy pink girly thing. Other trans women have that covered like PrincessJoules.

I intend on recording to video my personal experiences and the things I've learned along the way. Jordan doesn't make videos anymore, she's apparently fallen off the radar and that's to be expected I think. In a few years I won't be writing or making videos either. I won't be a trans female, I'll just be a female and move on with life. I don't think I'd like to wave the trans flag for the rest of my life, metaphorically speaking. Some can and do which is appreciated, but I don't think I could and I certainly wouldn't fault anyone who couldn't either.

At the risk of sounding arrogant and self serving, I'd like to carry the torch for a little while via helpful YouTube videos. I'd like to contribute and show others another face of a trans female and give reassurances the way I received through videos.

#038 - Busy busy life and weight gain from stress. (HRT 1 year, 2 months)

Friday, August 29, 2014

Well gosh, were to start? I'd like to apologize for the lateness of this blog entry. I'm working full time, attending school full time, getting electrolysis done every Friday, and spending my weekends getting all chores and things done. Super stressful and it's starting to have an impact on both my job, school, and my health.

Unfortunately, my body weight has shot up a bit. I'm now hovering around 190 lbs and I have absolutely no time for going to the gym. I'm out and about so often that I don't have time to cook healthy dinners, so most of my meals come from 7/11. Not a good thing. I'm not sure what I can do about it except diet, but that's the way things are for the next two years.

Anyways, I'm trying to add more pictures on the blog to make it more interesting. I've recently discovered the coolest thing ever: Disney Punk Edits

Here's a few of my favorites:

My favorite is the one with the Slipknot t-shirt and I made it my main Facebook picture. Definitely worth checking out if you've got the free time

So that about wraps up my very late blog entry, short and sweet. I just got home from having electrolysis done on my face and all I want to do right now is lay down. Tomorrow I have plans to hang out with new friends. They're both trans women and they're both about in the same position I'm in. We're figuring stuff out together and having a laugh.

#037 - Found another transgender mormon video, passing a lot more often, and hosting tiny chat sessions. (HRT 1 year)

Monday, July 28, 2014

So I'm currently on a week long vacation from work. I still have school at night, but the mornings are all mine. I'm not really doing anything special. Just cleaning, working out, homework, and around-town errands.

I found another mormon transgender video on Reddit. I'm an Atheist now and no longer believe in god, but it's very moving and I'm glad to see the church finally leaving hate behind, if only a couple of members at a time. The leadership of the church is still mired in hatred and bigotry, but some members are turning toward sanity.

Aside from that, I've been trying to work up the courage to go full time. Facial hair and adams apple are still a huge problem and giveaway, but I'm pushing forward. By pushing forward, I mean being dragged kicking and screaming by roommates and friends to be more feminine :-P

This is my poor attempt at being more feminine. I still refuse to give up my old male hobbies such as video games, paintball, and airsoft. In fact, I'm buying a new airsoft gun this weekend. It's an MP9 and it's a lot lighter than my old M4. It weighs a lot less, is more compact, and is gas powered. The only downside is the magazines only hold 48 rounds each and are expensive. Still, it's basically a fully automatic pistol with a shoulder stock :-)

I'll try to be feminine and retain my tomboy hobbies and interests at the same time. It'll be difficult though. I'll take a few pictures and maybe record a few videos of action on the airsoft field for ya'll. Should be fun.

Anyways, I've started hosting Tiny Chat sessions every Sunday on the /r/asktransgender forums. Yesterday was the third one and it seems to be growing in popularity. I'm not always on, but it's hosted here at 5:30 pm EST on Sundays:

http://tinychat.com/jojorumbles

Anyone is welcome to join, provided they're civil and polite. No nastiness, no nudity, no sexual talk. The channel receives minors all the time so I'd like to keep it G rated. Otherwise Chris Hansen might pay me a visit :-P

For at home, I seem to be passing far more often. My voice still sounds like shit and I haven't been practicing. The couple of selfies I took above have been my best so far (no, not the Zena pic). There are some better pictures, but they came out blurry and terrible. Still, after 30 some odd years, I finally saw myself in the mirror for the first time. I broke down in tears and bawled for hours with joy. I had so many fears at the beginning and I'm so very happy with how things have currently turned out. I'm not done yet, there are still a couple of milestones to reach, but I think going full time by the end of this year is entirely possible and realistic.

I've been dabbling on the Omegle website and 9 times out of 10 I'm gendered correctly which blows my mind. People say I'm far more beautiful than I think I am (I have a very low opinion of my looks and body weight). Boobs are starting to become more shapely which is nice, but they still mostly have the shape of those orange road cones.

I think I've given up on the idea of getting vocal surgery within the next couple of years. I only have a limited amount of time left where I'm receiving all this extra money from the government for school. I have to ration it out and knock out the most important ones first. Definitely a tracea shave is first. Followed by either breast augmentation or FFS. It's looking like I'll only be able to get two surgeries at most.

Lastly, A friend recommended to me this spray on stuff that's supposed to ease the pain of electrolysis:

 

I haven't used it yet, but when the doctor starts working on mustache, I'm definitely going to need any pain reliever I can get. It's gonna hurt badly.

#036 - Electrolysis: Scary yet necessary. (HRT Year 1)

So, it's two in the morning and I've got an APA research paper due in about 15 hours. I'm still writing the damn thing, but I'm taking a break (aka slacking off). I've actually set up my laptop on the kitchen mantle because it keeps me standing up and not falling asleep. At the same time the research paper is due, I also have an English final exam. Yay no sleep!

Earlier today I took my Algebra final exam and sadly I failed it. Failed horribly with just a 50% grade. I self confidence dropped and I felt so terrible and guilty that I had to fight back tears. I finished up in class, got in my car, drove off and the floodgates burst. I was nearly bawling the whole drive home feeling incredibly stupid and worthless. Fortunately I'm allowed to retake the exam on my laptop and in the privacy of my own home. I scored significantly higher than before but my overall class average is hovering around 78%.

It's a passing grade, but I don't just want passing. "Good enough" isn't good enough for me. In my personal opinion, I believe I have far more to prove than my fellow students. Since I'm transgender, I'm afraid potential employers will see it as a big negative on my application. I want to have grades so high that I could say I graduated at the top of my class. That I'm the top pick from all other graduates. I'm hoping that would outweigh any anti-trans sentiment potential employers may have. In full honesty I have no clue either way.

Anyways, to the point of this blog entry: Electrolysis!!!!!

So for those who don't know, electrolysis is a permanent hair removal process. It works by inserting a thin needle-like probe down into the hair follicle, sending a burst of electricity through it which cauterizes the blood vessel which feeds the hair, and the hair itself is removed via tweezers.

That's basically what goes on. One hair at a time. Each session is for one hour and the technician eliminates as many hairs as they can within that time frame. I've had four sessions so far and results have been remarkable. Both of my cheeks and large portions of my sideburns have been cleared up with minimal regrowth. That's a good sign. Hopefully I won't have to get several dozens of sessions. I probably will, but I hope not.

My last session rendered the left side of my face swollen, red, bumpy and covered in tiny scabs. It's cleared up significantly since then, but there's still a bit of bumpy redness:

And yes, it's time to get my eyebrows waxed again. They're starting to get a little untidy. I'm also not wearing makeup of any kind. I want to, but I can't go out in public wearing it. I tried wearing just concealer to cover my 5 o'clock shadow, but an asshole coworker called me out on it. His mocking cuts pretty deep.

I do get compliments from cis women about the makeup they think I'm wearing (which is none). My eyelashes, lips, fingernails, and eyebrows when they're trimmed and waxed are often cited for compliments and I don't really see it. I do think hair looks great when tied back in a ponytail. It looks horrible when it's down though and I do want to visit a salon sometime.

My face has gotten better, but it still feels scratchy dry, looks red, and is still a little bumpy. It wouldn't be so bad if both sides of my face looks the same. Symmetry.

The pain that comes from this procedure varies greatly. From what the technician said, some areas of the face are far more sensitive than others because of their proximity to major blood vessels. The closer you get to the vertical line down the middle of your face, the more it hurts. Sideburns weren't bad at all, but as she got closer to the middle of my face it hurt more.

All in all, would I recommend the procedure? Yes. It's one hour of pain per week and results are immediate and lasting. In comparison to laser hair removal, I reached seven sessions and still never saw any real results.

One last thing. I set up an ammo can full of nail polish. My old interests meet my new interests. How awesome is that?
 :-P

#035 - Busy as hell, crossed the one year mark on HRT, and general updates. (HRT 1 Year and a few days)

Sunday July 13th, 2014

So I've been meaning to get around to writing this blog entry, but I've just been so busy with school. I work full time and attend school full time which leaves little time left for sleep or anything else. Having said that, I've finally crossed the one year mark on HRT. Yay! Here's a few recent pictures:

So yeah, significant progress is going on, but there's still a long way to go. I have no intention of going full time. I've barely touched makeup, my voice is still awful, I'm still overweight, and I still have facial hair.

The good news is that I'm finally getting electrolysis done. In fact, yesterday was my forth session. I'd love to take another selfie picture, but the whole left side of my face is swollen and bumpy. Lots of tiny little scabs everywhere. Even with makeup, my left side looks droopy.

Anyways, here's a timeline of pictures from the beginning:

I know, I know. A bunch of those pictures are cringe-worthy. It's ok, I cringe too when looking back on them. But it's important to keep the old pictures to contrast with the new ones. Real genuine progress is happening and it just blows my mind. My favorite of the bunch is the bottom left of the two rows. I use that picture on Facebook, Twitter, Skype, dating sites, and any other social media I can find.

Aside from that, school is going well. I have two finals next week and I'm totally procrastinating which I shouldn't. I'm not worried about failing. There's no chance of failing. I'm just worried about not getting straight A's. The way I figure it, if I graduate at the top of my class, potential employers who are anti-trans will look past that and see my hard work and amazingly high grades. That's the line of thinking anyways. Hateful bigots usually don't use reason and logic so that may all just be for nothing. Still, it's always good to do your best and shoot for the top.

And that's about it. I'm still slogging along at work. I don't hate it there, but I have no plans to stay there forever. I really want to go to the gym more often, but I just don't have the time to do so anymore. Maybe on the weekends, but that's not enough.

#034 - Crossed the 11th month mark, workplace bathroom drama and so very close to passing completely. (HRT Day 340)

So three days ago was the eleventh month mark on HRT. Not on doctor prescribed HRT, but it all still counts. I'm getting so very close to the one year mark. I thought I'd be ready to go full time by then but from here it's obviously not going to happen.

I finally had my last session of laser hair removal with zero results. That's seven months wasted. So now I have a choice of either going with a different laser hair removal place or breaking down and getting electrolysis done. I'll have to ask around first but it's looking highly likely that it'll be electrolysis. I'm going to be setting an appointment for this upcoming Friday afternoon. We'll see how it goes.

So my workplace finally got a bathroom situated for me to use. Finally. However they did it in the least preferred way possible. HR was *supposed* to pull aside my two other female coworkers and have a conference on what's going on and what to expect in the future. Instead, HR waited until the very last minute, ripped out my coworkers lockers and just told them bluntly that there's a "tranny" working here and their bathroom is now a unisex bathroom.

Well one of my coworkers flipped her lid. Not only did they take her stuff which was in the lockers, but they told her in the worst way. She's a "good christian woman" so she took it badly. Stomping around bitching and hollering all day long. If there were coworkers who didn't know I was trans, they do now, or at least someone in the warehouse.

Fortunately it was Friday afternoon when it happened. When Monday rolled around she calmed down and there was no more drama. So now I can use the bathroom and it's a single occupancy so no drama.

Anyways, the whole facial hair thing is seriously becoming a hindrance to passing. When I have concealer on I seem to pass fairly well. But the concealer can't hide all the stubble so it's for the most part ineffective. It's really frustrating because I'm so very ready to go full time. I hate this awful androgyny stage of looking female on everything except face. It sucks.

I really want this done and over with. Close shaves don't last nearly as long as I need it to last. Ugh it's infuriating. I think the worst part is that I need to let it grow out all next week just for the electrologist has enough to grab with tweezers. I'm thinking mustache and chin need to go first. They're the worst offenders.

As a final thought, I'm still thinking about what surgery I want to get. I'm getting about $1,300 a month in checks from the government so I can afford some surgery of choice in the relatively near future. I really want to get the voice surgery from Yeson, but that's a LOT of money. I'm also considering other forms of voice surgery that are here in the US but they seem sketchy. The other ones that cost a lot less are a trachea shave, breast augmentation and possibly a nose job.

And that's about it for now.

#033 - Just a public service announcement.

So a week ago I was getting really fed up with facial hair. It still causes problems for me and laser doesn't seem to be doing the trick.

In an act of desperation, I shaved as close as I could, then immediately used a hair removal product called Veet.

Let me tell you, this stuff is NOT intended for use on the face. It even has a warning on the label that says don't use on your face. This stuff burned my face and caused a LOT of pain.

It caused severe redness, cracking of skin, bleeding, rash and agonizing pain. I couldn't shave or even smile for a whole week afterwards. The pain was just too much.

So in case disphoria over facial hair is eating at you, please please please do not use Veet, Nair or similar products on your face.

#032 - 10 Month milestone, mourning the old me, and college yay! (HRT Day 308)

Tuesday, May 06 2014

So last Sunday was my tenth month on HRT which is amazing. Time sure flies and it seems only yesterday that I started. I'm getting very VERY close to going full time but there's a major problem: facial hair.

I'm still wrestling with this. My seventh IPL "laser" session is coming up in early June and so far from it all I've seen zero reduction in facial hair. It's driving me nuts. I did let it grow out a bit in the hopes that I could wax it off but that didn't work. Chemical solutions such as Nair and Veet didn't work either. I even tried using an electric epilator on my face which proved extremely painful and ineffective. Tweezing was an option but it just takes far too long and I can't get a good angle on some spots.

I did pick up another electric epilator which has only one rotating tooth instead of the other, which has nine rotating teeth. This might work out better than grinding away at a lot of hairs at the same time. We'll see. For now I'm back to shaving which still leaves a noticeable 5 o'clock shadow.

I've experimented with concealers my roommate lent to me. They don't completely hide the shadow, but it does a great job concealing much of it.

Anyways, I'm actually starting college soon. Like, really soon. The 12th if the date I was quoted is accurate. School orientation is Wednesday the 7th, tomorrow. I don't know if I'm completely ready, but I'll be working full time plus the GI Bill will give me an extra $1,000 or so extra per month for "living expenses". The bill assumes I'm going to be going to school full time and have no other income, which I do.

Working and going to school full time is going to be hard, no doubt. But I see opportunity here to afford many of the surgeries that I really want to get, especially the vocal cord surgery, breast augmentation, nose job and trachea shave. My face already looks rather feminine (disregard those awful pics from previous blog entries). A nose job would really help I think. Right now it looks like a masculine Jewish nose which I hate.

A quick note. I had to come out to my landlord recently about transitioning. She owns the house but is still in the Navy and is stationed in Japan. I basically asked if there would be any problems with lease signature since I'm going to have my name changed in the future. And I also mentioned that my gender is changing as well. She replied with "It's fine. I don't care". She's rather short and blunt with answers so that's the best I could've hoped for.

Moving on to the main topic, morning the death of my old self. I was reading a thread on reddit about a mom who's kid is transgender and she was morning her former son. She asked if it was weird or sad that she was mourning the person who her daughter used to be, her son. I got to thinking that it's not weird at all and seems rather rational.

I got to thinking of my old self and how I've changed so much. The old me: Chris and the new me: Kris. Chris was already dying. He was so depressed and angry at the world that he was burning out. It was just a matter of time before he died, whether it be by his hand or another cause. Either way, he was dying.

The new me, Kris basically took over. As I transitioned, nearly everything about me changed. My personality, my likes and dislikes, interests, my handwriting and pretty much everything changed. I still have all the memories and experiences of Chris, but I'm not that person. Not anymore.

Chris is, for all further consideration, dead. He passed away months ago. And to be honest, I kinda miss him. Chris was never real to begin with, he was just a mask that I wore so long that it took on a life of its own. Even still, I do miss him. He was an old friend that shielded me from the harsh world of bigotry and misunderstanding. But now that he's gone I feel vulnerable and a bit scared. I'm exposed to the real world as the real me.

He was also a curse. He hated the world and wished harm on anyone and everyone. He neglected hygiene and cleanliness, both self and apartment. He cried himself to sleep every night begging for god to change him. That eventually changed to begging god for death. To fall asleep and just not wake up anymore.

Like I said, Chris was already dying and it was only a matter of time before he did. It's been a continuing adventure discovering who I am now. It's an interesting journey so far and although the future looks bright and amazing, I still think about the old Chris from time to time in a sad way.

#031 - TransMormon video. (HRT Day 288)

Wednesday, April 16 2014

Not much to share really. Just wanted to share a video called TransMormon.

TransMormon
(sorry, this blog website won't let me make a real link to the video).

I love it as I also used to be a member of the Mormon church. Definitely worth a watch.
Anyways, that's all.

#030 - Ma'am'ed on the phone, boymode fail, more with HR and college. (HRT Day 276)

Friday, April 4 2014

So yeah, a whole hell of a lot has happened within the past couple of weeks and I'm super excited. Today I received my very first ma'am on the phone and it was awesome. I've been playing with my voice but I didn't think it was a passing voice (more on that later). I called the operator at work and she kept calling me ma'am. Near the end of the call she blurts out "SIR! Omg I'm so sorry!". Told her it's ok. I don't think she knows who I am and I'm not the kind if person who forces the proper pronoun issue. When it happens naturally is the best indicator of success.

Earlier in the day I got a call from the head HR guy. I'm to meet him in his office after break time. No explanation given. What knowledge I have about him, he's a very "fire & brimstone" religious guy. Alarm bells are going off in my head. I'm always on time for work, I'm diligent in my work, supervisors are always commending me, always have a positive attitude so whatever it is it's probably related to my transition.

Fearing the worst, I pulled out my smartphone, hit Record, and walked into his office for the meeting. I figured that if I'm going to be disciplined or fired for being trans, I'll have an audio recording of it plus past supervisor commendations to take to court with me in filing a discrimination suit.

The conversation was actually quite pleasant and he was looking to hammer out the details and possible accommodations for a transgender employee. To his credit, he doesn't know anything about transgender issues, but he's trying. He's turning one of the two women's warehouse bathrooms into a unisex bathroom. It's a single occupancy bathroom which also doubles as a locker room. Not exactly the solution I was looking for, but in my opinion an acceptable accommodation. Counting myself, there's only two women in the entire warehouse anyways.

I'm just glad I don't have to use the men's bathroom anymore. I've been getting a LOT of confused looks. I won't dare use the men's locker rooms.

I'm so glad I recorded the conversation for another reason, my voice. I haven't been practicing my voice much if at all. Maybe ten minutes here and there. It's something I've been beating myself up over (along with going back to the gym regularly). In fact, the only thing I've been doing is scrunching my tongue back a little (kinda like the beginnings of a yawn) and talking like that. It's harder to enunciate with my tongue unable to move as much as it's needed to form words, so I'm practicing forming words primarily with my lips. It's working out quite well to my surprise and with such little practice. The office recording is linked here:

http://soundcloud.com/jojorumbles/hr-conversation-mike-4-4-2014
(may want to turn your sound up to hear it)

I've been told on Reddit I sound like a young male teenager which is amusing. I'm almost 32 so maybe having a voice at that range might work. I was ma'amed on the phone at work with it so I'll stick with it for now.

Anyways, my boymode at work is really starting to fail. Delivery drivers who see me are asking my coworkers if I'm a "chick or a dude" because apparently they can't tell. My forearms are thinning out, my face is becoming quite feminine (pics from the last blog entry don't do it justice), I have visible boobs, my voice seems to pass yet I have a five o'clock shadow and Adam's apple.

The drivers are puzzled, coworkers who rarely ever see me are puzzled and this is me intentionally trying not to pass. I'd wear facial hair concealer and natural makeup, but I work in a hot sweaty warehouse which tends to destroy makeup. I have an electric epilator coming in the mail soon (I'm desperate). I know they're super painful and can leave irritation marks on the skin, but this laser hair removal is just taking way too long and I've yet to see any progress. I'm coming up on my sixth treatment with zero results so far. I'm going to have to purchase another 6-treatment special off of Groupon or something. Definitely with a different company.

And then there's college. I've started looking into going to school for my bachelors and  to train for medical administration. Right now I'm stuck filling out a LOT of tedious financial aid paperwork. It's slow going and may consume the entire weekend. But it'll be worth it. On top of working full time, I'll also be receiving a "living wage" through my GI Bill which I'll be saving for surgeries.

Moving on. Physically I can't hide my figure anymore. Boobs are really REALLY obvious and although I'm overjoyed that they're getting bigger, they stick out like a sore thumb. They're definitely an A cup now, though the shape doesn't exactly conform to bras. They stick out sort of like rounded road cones which I find unappealing, but I guess they'll fill out in time. They already look fantastic under a t-shirt.

I still have a lot of body mass to lose. My legs are still massively muscular which I don't know how to bring down aside from starving. Maybe a no-protean diet? I don't know. I also want my neck, upper arms and belly fat to thin out. I've been neglecting the gym and making excuses not to go. It's time to get back on that.

On a last note, I really don't like how my picture turned out in the last blog entry. There were about a dozen or so pictures taken that day and those were the best of them. I need to start practicing makeup on my own.

#029 - First time with makeup. (HRT Day 257)

Sunday, March 16 2014


My roommate who's in her mid 60's wanted to do my makeup today. I agreed and this was the result. Keep in mind that, although my eyebrows were trimmed, they still need work. I'm also still wrestling with facial hair which is a major obstacle to passing. My lips are super chapped which makes lipstick look terrible, but doesn't really show in the pictures. I'm also trying to lose about 30 or 40 more pounds. I started at 215, dropped to 180 and I'd like to go as low as 140.

As for the makeup.... I'm ok with it but not really all that thrilled. I think makeup, like fashion, goes in and out of style and I think this is a bit out of style. I'd like to not have to use so much concealer on my face but I'd have to if I wanted to conceal facial hair. The makeup looks really REALLY obvious and it doesn't really work to conceal under my chin and jaw bones.

Still, it's another big step in transition and I wanted to share.

#028 - Forced to go full time soon, money troubles worsen and time for makeup. (HRT Day 256)

Saturday, May 15 2014

Well it seems I may have to go full time a lot sooner than I had planned. Warm weather is coming soon which means I can't wear baggy clothing to hide my figure anymore. Without it, I clearly have an hourglass figure and boobs going on. Combine that with chin length hair feminine looking face (more so than the last picture), and it's clear what's going on.

Tomorrow my roommate wants to take me shopping for makeup and to get my eyebrows shaped. I'm not really sure what to think of all this. I was nice and comfortable just popping a pill and going about my day. But I guess it's time to leave my comfort zone and further my transition. All I know is there are awkward times to come.

I'm not sure how well facial hair concealer will hold up to heat and sweat. Facial hair isn't going away nearly as fast as I was hoping for. I need to buy another six sessions of laser hair removal soon and I have no clue how to pay for it.

Money has become a growing problem lately. Bills are piling up and I simply cannot keep pace. I'm looking for a second job, but that may take a while to get. My tax return was confiscated by the US Navy in their efforts to recoup my enlistment bonus. I was really counting on that money to help take care of bills and for makeup/salon needs.

Honestly, I'm kinda scared about going full time. I've been neglecting my voice practice and workouts which are important. I still mostly have the pitch of a guy but with some playing around I can get my voice where it needs to be. Physically, I'm very flabby. Bicep muscles have turned into fat but still look large. I really need to lose 30 pounds at least.

That's about all I've got going for now. I may sell off the last of my paintball/airsoft gear to help pay bills and such. I don't really foresee ever playing again.

#027 - A push to pass, eight month mark and looking for a second job. (HRT Day 247)

Thursday, March 6 2014

So I've been wanting to write in this blog for a while but honestly I haven't had much happen to write about. Was considering writing about personal opinions on news, current events and general ramblings. I may still do that but not this blog entry.

So two days ago was my 8th month mark on HRT. It still hasn't been a month on prescription HRT yet but still, even on DIY hormones there's still plenty of change for the best. But I think it's finally time to start trying to pass. For the last eight months I've been playing the waiting game. Growing my hair out, working out, losing weight, and just going about my life as is. Comments from my coworkers were a clear indication that I need to start putting forth effort into passing.

Now I need to look into getting eyebrows shaped, practicing makeup, practicing my voice more often which I've been neglecting for the most part. I have one voice trick that just clicked for me where I roll my tongue back a little and sort of half open my epiglottis. It's that little flap that separates your trachea and esophagus in your throat. It seems to work ok I guess, but to me it sounds like Lois Griffin from Family Guy. I definitely need to practice more because to my ears it comes out awkward as fuck.

I've got a shit ton of plucking and tweezing and waxing to do. I still have all of my facial hair which is one of the two biggest barriers I have to passing. I'm thinking maybe beard cover would help with that, but it would have to be a daily upkeep and stubble would still be a problem.

My other biggest barrier is my body mass. My arms, though thinner, are still bulky because of fat. They're large, squishy and flabby which is annoying. I can't cross my arms without them looking manly. My legs are a bigger problem. I used to ride a bicycle everywhere around Austin, Tx which left my legs absolutely massive. Even with a shave, they're still massive and bulky as hell. This means I can't wear shorts, skirts, capris or dresses anytime soon. It's awful and I hate it.

I'm planning on hitting the gym a lot harder, possibly every day for hours a day. I'm also considering starting a veggie diet with an occasional break. I definitely want to pass 100% percent by the end of this year. That's the goal. If I visit family in Austin this Christmas, I want to be smoking hot and shove all my families doubts and stereotypes in their faces.

#026 - Still employed! Also, finally on prescription HRT and terrible dreams. (HRT Day 228)

Saturday, February 15 2014

So it's been a little over a week after telling my supervisor about my ongoing transition and I'm still employed. No demotions, no lightened workload (actually, more on that another time) and no reassignments. My supervisor turned red in the face and admitted that my place of employment is tolerant and accepting of everyone, but he has absolutely no clue how to deal with this in the workplace.

His response made me laugh a bit. "Yeah.... me and uh... (other supervisor) kinda had a suspicion that that was the case" (other supervisor knew for quite some time already and I think he's been dropping hints here and there).

He directed me to speak with HR about transitioning in the workplace, to which I told him about our previous encounter. Our HR representative is equally clueless on how to deal with an employee transitioning in the workplace.

I'm casually looking around the internet for resources and materials to give my HR rep. So far nearly everything I've found is horribly out of date or too bizarre for transgender people to understand or take seriously. I'll probably piss someone off, but I think the pronouns Ze and Zer are easily the stupidest terms I've ever heard. There's no way I can seriously present that as a transgender understanding resource.

My supervisor did assure me that any inappropriate touching, slurs and sexual harassment towards me would be promptly and harshly dealt with (assuming I don't go around intentionally causing confrontations which I wouldn't).

Anyways, during my last trans support group meeting, I was given contact information for a trans friendly doctor. His office is surprisingly close to my house, almost within walking distance. The doctor was actually really nice and understanding. No looking down on me or talking to me in a condescending manner.

The doctors office is a planned parenthood and LGBT healthcare center. It's actually kinda tucked away and difficult to find if you didn't already know it's there. But yeah, they don't take insurance so I had to pay $100 out of pocket and on the spot. Sucks, but my health insurance did cover the blood test and the prescription meds all for free.

I have to do go back to him in 45 days for another blood test. He gave me a slightly lower dose than what I've been on for the past 7 months just to get a feel for where I should be at. So I'm down 12mg of spiro and down 2mg of E for my normal daily dose. Still, it's a huge relief on my budget to have this covered by my health insurance.

Moving on, I think for several months now my dreams have been more vivid and memorable. I used to dream in dreary black, white and gray. Sounds and other senses often were not involved. Now it seems my dreams are using all my senses. Everything is in color. I don't know if that's the HRT or if it's just me dealing with depression and accepting being trans.

I've had quite a number of good dreams. Some about SRS and some regarding adult themes, but my latest one was really bad actually. For whatever reason I've been on this mom kick and I have no clue why. In my dream I was married, my husband and I were adopting a baby. As I was holding this baby this intense feeling of calm and happiness washed over me. It was definitely a new feeling. Then social services stepped in and took the baby away from me. I struggled to keep it but I lost. It was the most horrible heart breaking feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I'm surprised my roommates didn't hear me down the hall. Or if they did they didn't say anything. HRT is a hell of a drug. It left me shaken all that day and it even still bothers me a little just writing about it. My new roommate would love to hear every detail about it, but this is something I'm not comfortable sharing (or at least sharing with people that know me IRL).

Anyways, As time goes on, I'm physically starting to become more and more passable. When I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans my hourglass figure is clearly obvious. Boobs haven't really increased in size much, but they've definitely rounded out a bit and are quite noticeable. My face is looking very feminine but I've yet to do anything about my eyebrows and hair style definitely needs work. For the most part it's just been growing out with little upkeep aside from cleaning. I'm playing with a side part which looks far better than a middle part.

I want to go to a salon and have that all worked on, but my roommate would be crushed. She claims to be a beautician expert despite dropping out of that school. Frankly her makeup and hair style is awful. She wants to do mine and I don't trust her at all to do a good job. But if I go out and have a professional do it, it would hurt her feelings.

Regardless, I can finally stand to look at myself in the mirror now. I'm not where I should be yet, but I'm definitely getting close to the finish line. I still want to lose about 40 lbs and get a surgery or two. We'll see what happens. Budget is still too tight to do anything.

#025 - Happy 7 month anniversary, found a doctor maybe, and coming out to supervisor tomorrow. (HRT Day 217)

Tuesday, February 4 2014

So today is my 7th month on HRT and I can most definitely see noticeable changes in my face, my body, my mental and emotional state. All doubt as to whether HRT works is gone. It definitely works. So much fear and doubt in the beginning and it drove me nuts.

But yeah, I have to wear multiple shirts, a hoodie and a sports bra to keep my hourglass figure hidden. Something that's going to become VERY obvious in the future at work when the weather gets warmer. So I've decided to tell my supervisor now and not spring it as a surprise. I wanted to tell him today but he was far too busy with work and said "how about tomorrow?"

So sometime tomorrow I'm going to be telling him that I'm going through the transgender process, what to expect and how coworkers should behave, and most importantly, shouldn't behave towards me. No groping, no "grab-ass'ing", no asking about genitals, no using slurs such as Tranny, and such. I guess the biggest piece of advice for coworkers to treat me is to not make a big deal out of it.

I'm not coming out full time at work nor changing my name yet. I'm not demanding proper pronouns be used either. I'm simply giving my supervisor a heads up on what's coming down the road in a few months. I can't wear all these layers of clothing in the summer time and my figure will become quite obvious.

I honestly have no idea how it's going to go and I'm nervous as hell. My supervisor is a cool guy and I haven't been in trouble or anything at work. My last employee evaluation was nothing but praise for my work ethic and punctuality. I don't think I've ever been late to work and he's even admitted that he doesn't have to keep an eye on me to know that I'm doing my job to the best of my ability. I think you're doing something very right when your supervisor trusts you enough to not feel the need to supervise.

But it could go south and get nasty. I really hope it doesn't but I'm already looking at new job opportunities in case things go sour. At least I can go back to my old temp agency to get another job. I worked very well with them in the past.

Anyways, my health insurance gave me a bunch of endocrinologists numbers and told me to go find one on my own who actually does trans health care. After a week of wasted lunch breaks and dozens of calls, I gave up. Last Saturday I went to my regular trans support group and they were kind enough to give me a couple of numbers to doctors who actually do support trans people. I've got an appointment set up for next Tuesday. The only downside is that they do NOT take insurance of any kind. The initial visit cost has to be out of pocket which is $100.

It doesn't sound like much to the fully employed, but I'm already way far behind on some of my bills. I may not even be able to get my tablet out of pawn, it's already been quite a while. I'm afraid I missed the payment date and it's gone for good. It also means I can't get my pistol out of pawn yet again. I've been keeping up on that one and have been repawning it each month at $20 each month. Still, I'm really far behind on my car insurance bills and I have no idea how to catch up. Maybe a little at a time each month? I don't know. I do know that I won't have savings of any kind for quite a while.

My tax return is looking grim and sparse. Last year I got almost a thousand dollars back. This year is a measly two hundred dollars at best. I don't know what happened but I really REALLY needed that money to lift myself out of debt.

I'm still looking for an extra part time job. I need the money to save up for surgeries, but it will cut into necessary appointments such as laser hair removal and doctors appointments. If the part time job is shitty, I may have to choose between keeping the job or taking care of my needs.

#024 - Moar laser, starting a fundraiser and searching for a doctor. (HRT Day 205)

Thursday, January 23 2014

So I've been struggling to find something to put in this blog. I'd hate to fill it with random daily nonsense. That's boring.

But yeah, just a few days ago Monday I had my third session of laser hair removal on my face. Since then I haven't had the need to shave. Growth has slowed significantly and noticeably. I still have my doubts as the hair is still there, but the slowed growth is a good sign. I'll do a complete shave tomorrow morning as it's just barely long enough to actually shave.

Anyways, I finally got around to starting an online fundraiser to pay for various surgeries..... and I've received nothing so far. Here's the link in case anyone is interested:

http://www.gofundme.com/53z5vo

The goal is to reach $50,000 but I highly doubt I'll ever reach that, or even a third of that. Still, if I can get enough for just one surgery through this fundraiser, it would've been worth it. The fundraiser doesn't cost me anything to keep open so why not. I'm still trying to figure out how to promote my fundraiser. I tried Facebook which didn't get far. I'll ask around and see how others do theirs.

Finally I'm currently looking for a doctor, specifically an endocrinologist, to start prescription HRT. I'm currently DIY'ing which is super expensive. My health insurance covers the exact same meds as the ones I buy online. The difference is that those same meds are 100% free on my plan. I've called up Anthem and they gave me a list of all the Endo's that they cover. No word on whether they're trans friendly or not so I guess I'm going to have to call each and every one of them up and ask.

Sounds tedious and possibly aggravating, but that's the score. That's the way things seem to have to go. I'll start calling them up one by one during my lunch breaks.

And as a final thing to add, I'm stopping the progesterone cycling and instead taking one tablet (5mg) every day. Progesterone is reportedly supposed to increase breast growth, fullness and roundness. Right now I'm sitting at a little over an A cup but not quite a B. There's definitely enough mass to require a bra, but I have bras in B cup size that are a little too big. I'm thinking that maybe if I switch to taking P everyday instead of cycling it once a month, I might fill it out, maybe more.

#023 - Chilling with old shipmates, laser fail and boring holiday. (HRT Day 187)

Sunday, January 5, 2014

So I finally got around to writing this blog entry. A lot has happened since my last entry and I hope I can remember most of it.

So lets see. I had a Skype conversation with my family back in Austin. This one was far shorter than the last conversation. They were clearly eager to get on with their celebrating and wanted to close Skype ASAP. The entire conversation lasted less than 15 minutes and most of it was camera adjusting. I felt a little hurt by their eagerness to leave.

I was also a bit hurt after learning that mom paid for my sisters plane ticket home, after paying for her college. Before she was going on about how they can't afford to buy me a ticket or offer any sort of help. Afterwards seeing parents shell out tens of thousands of dollars for my sister hurt a bit.

It's nothing new though. They've done this for all sorts of things when I was a kid. They claimed they couldn't afford to send me to the dentist and get braces, yet all other siblings received theirs soon after. When I was homeless, they claimed they're strapped for cash and couldn't do anything for me. Later discovered they bought my brother a new car because they thought his old car was ugly.

Still, it hurts.

Anyways, I finally got my second laser hair removal session completed... finally! It was delayed for almost a month because the laser broke down. The second session stung as expected. So far I haven't seen ANY hair removal results which is concerning. I've been told that I shouldn't expect to see results until the fourth or fifth treatment, but since they're a month apart it's going to take a very long time before going full time.

*edit*
Upon inspection of my stubble, it seems to be a bit spotty. It looks mostly unchanged but there are a few spots where hair is not growing. Nothing significant, but slightly noticeable. I've also been using my home laser hair removal tool after shaving. It's the Silk'n Sensiple but I'm still not convinced it works yet.

Moving on, I'm definitely starting to see physical changes. Definitely an hourglass figure is forming and looks sexy as hell. I'm not skinny but neither am I fat. I'd say a healthy plump with an hourglass figure. I may have to go full time before warm weather sets in because it's getting difficult to hide.

Boobs are still coming in, albeit slowly. They still ache, itch and are super super sensitive. Every time I move my arms I bump into them. Their shape is quite visible when I'm wearing a T-shirt. They aren't fully rounded out yet which is disappointing. Plus they're somewhere between an A and a B. I already bought a few B cup bras, but they don't quite fill out yet. Almost.

Anyways, hair is getting longer. There's so much to learn about hair care. Most important points for me is to use shampoo every other day, conditioner is my friend, and getting a small trim every few months to prevent split ends is important.

Arms are getting fairly skinny. They no longer look muscular but rather a little fat. I still have a bit of a muffin top belly which is annoying. Seems like nothing will make it go away. Legs are still pretty much as they always were. I used to do a LOT of cycling which is why they're so large. They still give me that sexy looking shape underneath jeans, but there's no way I'll be wearing skirts or shorts anytime soon. Shoulders are looking a bit less broad, but there's still significant muscle mass leftover. My face has definitely changed and looks a LOT younger. I've been told by a former shipmate, who hasn't seen me in almost two years, that I look ten years younger and a bit girly.

All in all I'm putting serious thought into starving again. I've been reviewing some of my old pictures vs how I look now and I have most definitely lost weight. I'm not where I want to be yet, but there's definitely visible change.

About a week ago I came out to one of my coworkers. She is a friend of one of my other coworkers who already knows. He loves to ask questions and has told a few others without my permission, despite denying it. I thought she already knew but it turns out she didn't and was surprised by it. The resulting conversation became super awkward. At one point she asked if I didn't want to talk to her about it anymore because she's a girl. I responded that It's difficult to talk about because it's so awkward. Like going through second puberty to which she laughed and said she'd never want to do that again.

We haven't really spoken since, mostly because she works in the office and I work in the warehouse. Occasionally she'll come by to say hi to others and we'll wave at each other from a distance. I'm usually to busy to stop for lengthy conversations. She offered advice and stuff during that first conversation yet I politely declined. In honesty I would just find it a bit awkward.

Last Friday some of my old shipmates called me up and invited me out for one last night of drinking and partying around town. I found it a bit surprising as I haven't talked to any of them since I left the Navy. I always felt disgraced and ashamed to ever face them again. It may have been all in my head, but that's how I've always felt. Regardless, they invited me and I went.

They were shocked when they saw me which was very self gratifying. They're the ones who made the comment that I look really think, ten years younger and a bit girly. We played a few board games at his ex girlfriends house (not exactly sure why we were there because he hates her). We went out drinking and dancing at a club called Toby Keith's. Not exactly my first choice of clubs but whatever. And as every time I and my shipmates have gone drinking, I was the designated driver. I don't mind to be honest. There's nobody there at the club I'm interested (or to be specific, would be interested in me).

This was the last weekend before my old shipmates changed their home port and permanently moved to a new state. So I figured I didn't have anything to lose by telling them I'm not "in to women" per say. They think I'm gay and were shocked but cool with it I think. They made a few gay jokes and I rolled with it to humor them. I told one of them privately that I'm transitioning genders and he laughed and didn't take me seriously. That's fine I guess. It doesn't even really matter since I'll probably never see them again.

And I think that's about it for this blog entry. My main focus for now is cosmetic changes. I want to get my eyebrows cleaned up and shaped. I also want to start looking into makeup but I have no idea where to start. I DEFINITELY need to work on my voice as I haven't even started yet. I've been procrastinating like you wouldn't believe.