Tuesday, May 06 2014
So last Sunday was my tenth month on HRT which is amazing. Time sure flies and it seems only yesterday that I started. I'm getting very VERY close to going full time but there's a major problem: facial hair.
I'm still wrestling with this. My seventh IPL "laser" session is coming up in early June and so far from it all I've seen zero reduction in facial hair. It's driving me nuts. I did let it grow out a bit in the hopes that I could wax it off but that didn't work. Chemical solutions such as Nair and Veet didn't work either. I even tried using an electric epilator on my face which proved extremely painful and ineffective. Tweezing was an option but it just takes far too long and I can't get a good angle on some spots.
I did pick up another electric epilator which has only one rotating tooth instead of the other, which has nine rotating teeth. This might work out better than grinding away at a lot of hairs at the same time. We'll see. For now I'm back to shaving which still leaves a noticeable 5 o'clock shadow.
I've experimented with concealers my roommate lent to me. They don't completely hide the shadow, but it does a great job concealing much of it.
Anyways, I'm actually starting college soon. Like, really soon. The 12th if the date I was quoted is accurate. School orientation is Wednesday the 7th, tomorrow. I don't know if I'm completely ready, but I'll be working full time plus the GI Bill will give me an extra $1,000 or so extra per month for "living expenses". The bill assumes I'm going to be going to school full time and have no other income, which I do.
Working and going to school full time is going to be hard, no doubt. But I see opportunity here to afford many of the surgeries that I really want to get, especially the vocal cord surgery, breast augmentation, nose job and trachea shave. My face already looks rather feminine (disregard those awful pics from previous blog entries). A nose job would really help I think. Right now it looks like a masculine Jewish nose which I hate.
A quick note. I had to come out to my landlord recently about transitioning. She owns the house but is still in the Navy and is stationed in Japan. I basically asked if there would be any problems with lease signature since I'm going to have my name changed in the future. And I also mentioned that my gender is changing as well. She replied with "It's fine. I don't care". She's rather short and blunt with answers so that's the best I could've hoped for.
Moving on to the main topic, morning the death of my old self. I was reading a thread on reddit about a mom who's kid is transgender and she was morning her former son. She asked if it was weird or sad that she was mourning the person who her daughter used to be, her son. I got to thinking that it's not weird at all and seems rather rational.
I got to thinking of my old self and how I've changed so much. The old me: Chris and the new me: Kris. Chris was already dying. He was so depressed and angry at the world that he was burning out. It was just a matter of time before he died, whether it be by his hand or another cause. Either way, he was dying.
The new me, Kris basically took over. As I transitioned, nearly everything about me changed. My personality, my likes and dislikes, interests, my handwriting and pretty much everything changed. I still have all the memories and experiences of Chris, but I'm not that person. Not anymore.
Chris is, for all further consideration, dead. He passed away months ago. And to be honest, I kinda miss him. Chris was never real to begin with, he was just a mask that I wore so long that it took on a life of its own. Even still, I do miss him. He was an old friend that shielded me from the harsh world of bigotry and misunderstanding. But now that he's gone I feel vulnerable and a bit scared. I'm exposed to the real world as the real me.
He was also a curse. He hated the world and wished harm on anyone and everyone. He neglected hygiene and cleanliness, both self and apartment. He cried himself to sleep every night begging for god to change him. That eventually changed to begging god for death. To fall asleep and just not wake up anymore.
Like I said, Chris was already dying and it was only a matter of time before he did. It's been a continuing adventure discovering who I am now. It's an interesting journey so far and although the future looks bright and amazing, I still think about the old Chris from time to time in a sad way.
