#050 - Graduated college, can't find a job, and broke. (Three years, two months HRT).

Monday, September 26, 2016

So it's been a while. I'd be lying if I said I've been busy these last few months. I finally graduated college and am now sitting at home most of the time. I submit about twenty applications a week and I get just as many rejection emails back. I've had the door slammed in my face so many times, I'm surprised that my nose isn't flat yet. I'm currently unable to pay my roommate/landlord rent, but she's pretty cool about it. I'll just have to pay her back when I can and I fully intend to. I've cut all of my monthly expenses down to almost nothing. I still have phone and car insurance to pay, but it just comes to about $80 a month.

Anyways, there's really not much going on. As I continue to wait for employers to call, I'm spending the vast majority of my time at home playing video games. I never thought I'd see the day where I'd get sick of it. I'm playing a lot of Guild Wars 2 and Space Engineers just to kill time. I really should be working out and going to the gym instead. I certainly have the time for it, just not the drive. Plus I don't want to waste the gas getting there and back every day.

I need to lose weight. All this sitting around doing nothing all day is starting to make me fat and I want to be ready for summer next year. Right now I'm sitting at 225lbs and have been eating junk food all the time. This needs to change, but I'm so very much addicted to energy drinks. I think it's an actual serious addiction because when I go without, it's all I think about. I feel tired, nervous, and a mess without it. Working out always feels awful and yucky.

Everyone says you get a runners high when you run for a long time, but I think they're nuts. I've never experienced a runners high, not even when I was once fit. I also don't like going to the gym because I feel like everyone is staring and judging me. My usual workout is walking and occasionally elliptical. Working out is just an awful feeling of social awkwardness and physical discomfort, but it needs to be done. I would like to get down to 160lbs one day. It's a lofty goal and I don't think I'll make it by summer next year. My food options right now are highly limited. I can't afford to eat healthy.

Other than that, there's really not much to report on. Life goes on, I'm still single, and everything seems like it's been put on standby until I can get a job.

#049 - A month away from graduating, writers block, and possibly a failed class. (Two years, ten months HRT)

Friday, May 13th 2016.

So right now I'm supposed to be writing a paper for a six sigma assignment, but I'm experiencing writers block. I just received a new airsoft rifle plus gear in the mail and it keeps distracting me. This is what my new airsoft gun looks like, except I added a small scope to it. It's essentially a sniper pistol rather than a sniper rifle. Airsoft sniper rifles are really heavy and are too much for me.

I'm currently taking three classes right now. One of which I'm intently focused on, the other two I wasn't even aware existed until yesterday. Apparently I was enrolled into these classes and nobody bothered to tell me. I'm almost two weeks behind on homework and desperately trying to keep up. There's a strong possibility that I'll get dropped from the classes due to non-attendance, something that's simply not my fault.

Other students are also experiencing the same problem. It's a new form of online classes and we're the first to experience it. Many other students were also considered absent due to not even knowing they were enrolled in the class. It's a serious problem and one that could be costly if they kick us out. I've been working to catch up since I found out, but have run into a writers block, hence this blog entry.

Lots of other things have happened since my last post. I received a student loan for living expenses that I'll have to pay back after graduating. I quit my job at the porn shop. Graduation ceremony is this June. My mom is flying down to attend. I've gained a bit of weight. Got really good at eyeliner. There's a lot going on.

The student loan for living expenses really helped out. I'm paying off all my bills which I desperately need to do. My medical bills need to be paid off ASAP because I owe them to the largest medical organization in the region who is also the biggest employer in the region. I can't exactly apply for one of their job openings while I owe them money. It would be weird. I also paid off my car loan. There wasn't much left, only a little over a thousand dollars. But now that the car loan is paid off, my car is officially mine and my vehicle insurance payments drop significantly. Two major monthly bills nearly gone in one stroke. The rest of the money I'm saving for emergencies and to live off of after I graduate.

Some may say that this is an irresponsible and inappropriate use of student loans, however in my application for the loan I specifically spelled out exactly what I intend to use it for. Since it was approved, I think it's safe to use it in the way I specifically said I would.

Graduation ceremony is at the beginning of June, despite my actual graduation date being in mid July, possibly August if I get dropped from my classes. This is where we all walk the stage in cap and gown. I'm excited but at the same time also nervous. I've gotten so used to the idea of being in school, now that it's coming to an end, it can be a bit scary.

My mom is flying down here for graduation. She's only seen me in Facebook pictures and a couple of times when I video skyped home. This is the first time we're going to meet in person and hang out. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm not nervous, I'm just expecting a fight and arguing. I expect she's going to throw jesus at me, and I'm going to throw logic and science at her. I hope it doesn't come to that, but I find myself constructing responses in my head.

Graduation is around the corner and I still have no idea what I want to do, specifically. Most of my classmates have a huge advantage as they all came from medical fields in their backgrounds. Many of them worked in the medical field in some capacity or another and have a far better understanding than I do. For me, I just jumped into this field of study because I knew nothing about it. I also need to work on my resume, it's hideous and out of date.

#048 - A lot has happened. (Two years, seven months HRT).

I'll freely admit I've been gone since August of 2015 and now it's February of 2016. That's almost half a year absence and I apologize. A lot has been going on and this blog took a back seat to greater priorities. The reason why it took so long to get back is that I'm finally in the home stretch for college graduation. Graduation date is in early June, just a few months away and I'm emotionally overwhelmed.

All the sacrifices I had to make, all the sleepless nights working on homework, the neglect of friends & social life, the stress & anxiety, the severe financial struggles, my family abandoning me, and the journey of transitioning while going through school. No amount of words can adequately describe just how rough it was.

Surprisingly I barely drank throughout my college years. It just didn't interest me and I don't particularly enjoy being intoxicated. I've gained quite a bit of weight due to stress eating. I'm about 215lbs now and it really sucks. Tummy tuckers, waistbands, corsets, or anything of that nature are now ineffective to deal with the spare tire I'm carrying around. It embarrasses me daily and the chubbiness can be seen in my face and chins. I think for the last few months I'm going to go on a diet. I certainly don't have the time to get to the gym and exercise, but cutting the sodas and sugary foods should be sufficient to look great in graduation photos.

This graduation ceremony, unfortunately, will be an unhappy one. My parents weren't interested in talking to me last Christmas and it left me heartbroken. No explanation, no apologies, nothing of the sort. They simply said in a text message that they're busy and I haven't heard from them since. I'm now officially without a family. I'll be walking the stage in cap and gown alone on this. It really sucks, but that's unfortunately just how it is. Maybe a classmate's family will fill the role my family isn't interested in fulfilling. No guarantee there will be any pictures or videos of the graduation ceremony.

Transition is going well. I appear almost entirely female with the exception of my voice and some other features. Getting the voice surgery is still high on my surgery-wants list. My hair has gotten pretty long and at it's longest was down to the middle of my back. I had to get it trimmed today to get rid of split ends and clean up around the neckline area. Lost about two inches, but that's OK. I can now brush it easily without tangles and knots. I'm still recovering from a failed attempt at bangs. Now that the bangs are longer, it actually looks kinda cute this way.

I've also learned that a well kept set of eyebrows goes a LOOOOOOONNNNNNGGGGG way of making the face appear more feminine. Life lesson, never neglect the eyebrows. They're made of magic. I don't even have to pencil mine in, they're fairly thin and well groomed to the point where I can get away with the all-natural look.

I'm still not really into makeup. I've dabbled with concealer, foundation, and mascara and that's about it. I've purchased several eyeliner pencils and markers, but I simply don't have the time to practice with them. I don't really have anyone to teach me, and the people who I know will help want to charge me an arm and a leg. I'm barely scraping by on a shoestring budget.

I'm currently working on homework for an Accounting class that I sorely hate and loath. The class is all online and the website did not work for the first week of class. The IT department finally got it fixed and I had two days of access before I was kicked out of the class due to inactivity. Totally unfair. I fought and fought, then eventually won. The downside is that I started the class two weeks late in a five week class. I'm currently in week four and still behind on homework. My instructor assures me that late assignments will not be a problem, but I don't trust him.

I have no idea what I'm doing in this class. I don't have the time to read and comprehend the book. I need to knock out assignments by certain days or else I'll get dropped again. I'm so focused on this that I'm not actually learning anything. I'm just pushing buttons until the assignment says it's all correct. Accounting class is a whole new definition of hell and it's just awful. Perhaps if I had the proper amount of time to actually study the material and course, it wouldn't be so bad. My first accounting class had the same problems as this time around and I didn't learn anything from that either.

Hopefully this will be the last accounting class that I have to take before graduation and I plan to get through it by any means necessary. Any. Means. Necessary.

Oh, I completely forgot. I got a part time job at night in an adult toy and movie store. A porn shop! The shop has two parts to it, the lingerie and regular DVD side, and the adult toys and adult DVD side. I work in the latter. Honestly I really love working there when the store owner isn't around. He's a party pooper. I love interacting with customers, making them laugh, taking them on a store tour.

The picture meme above is funny but surprisingly accurate. I don't really care about the DVD section as very few customers ever actually buy them. The toys are where the store makes all of its money and I love to push products like a sales woman. Sometimes I'll just make up fake stories that the customer would find entertaining to hear. My coworkers know the stories aren't true, but they're entertaining and I figure since nothing else in this store is accurate or truthful in regards to porn, I see no reason to be accurate and truthful either. And it's just a bit of fun too. Customers love to hear fictitious stories about the lady who bought the massive dildo, or the weird customers who play with themselves in the store. Our customers are actually well behaved, but people like to hear these sorts of stories.

Anyways, I've finally mustered the courage to use the women's restroom. My first time was actually in a bank on the top floor with the executives. I was working with them as part of my internship and I had to use the bathroom there. I guess if you're going to transition to a new bathroom, you might as well do it in style.

I pretty much pass as female anyways, plus wearing a business suit really completes the picture. I love love love wearing a business suit. I only have three sets, one of which doesn't fit very well. Two are all black and one is pinstripe grey. One long sleeve black jacket and one short sleeve black jacket. I don't have any skirts or dresses for business wear, all I have are pant suits. Business suits command an air of respect that I thoroughly enjoy. It shows a little cleavage and looks stunning and fierce.

And that about wraps it up for now. I'm still really busy with homework and spent valuable time writing this instead of working on it. Right now I need to complete at least one homework assignment before going to bed and I so desperately need sleep as it is.

Until next time.