#026 - Still employed! Also, finally on prescription HRT and terrible dreams. (HRT Day 228)

Saturday, February 15 2014

So it's been a little over a week after telling my supervisor about my ongoing transition and I'm still employed. No demotions, no lightened workload (actually, more on that another time) and no reassignments. My supervisor turned red in the face and admitted that my place of employment is tolerant and accepting of everyone, but he has absolutely no clue how to deal with this in the workplace.

His response made me laugh a bit. "Yeah.... me and uh... (other supervisor) kinda had a suspicion that that was the case" (other supervisor knew for quite some time already and I think he's been dropping hints here and there).

He directed me to speak with HR about transitioning in the workplace, to which I told him about our previous encounter. Our HR representative is equally clueless on how to deal with an employee transitioning in the workplace.

I'm casually looking around the internet for resources and materials to give my HR rep. So far nearly everything I've found is horribly out of date or too bizarre for transgender people to understand or take seriously. I'll probably piss someone off, but I think the pronouns Ze and Zer are easily the stupidest terms I've ever heard. There's no way I can seriously present that as a transgender understanding resource.

My supervisor did assure me that any inappropriate touching, slurs and sexual harassment towards me would be promptly and harshly dealt with (assuming I don't go around intentionally causing confrontations which I wouldn't).

Anyways, during my last trans support group meeting, I was given contact information for a trans friendly doctor. His office is surprisingly close to my house, almost within walking distance. The doctor was actually really nice and understanding. No looking down on me or talking to me in a condescending manner.

The doctors office is a planned parenthood and LGBT healthcare center. It's actually kinda tucked away and difficult to find if you didn't already know it's there. But yeah, they don't take insurance so I had to pay $100 out of pocket and on the spot. Sucks, but my health insurance did cover the blood test and the prescription meds all for free.

I have to do go back to him in 45 days for another blood test. He gave me a slightly lower dose than what I've been on for the past 7 months just to get a feel for where I should be at. So I'm down 12mg of spiro and down 2mg of E for my normal daily dose. Still, it's a huge relief on my budget to have this covered by my health insurance.

Moving on, I think for several months now my dreams have been more vivid and memorable. I used to dream in dreary black, white and gray. Sounds and other senses often were not involved. Now it seems my dreams are using all my senses. Everything is in color. I don't know if that's the HRT or if it's just me dealing with depression and accepting being trans.

I've had quite a number of good dreams. Some about SRS and some regarding adult themes, but my latest one was really bad actually. For whatever reason I've been on this mom kick and I have no clue why. In my dream I was married, my husband and I were adopting a baby. As I was holding this baby this intense feeling of calm and happiness washed over me. It was definitely a new feeling. Then social services stepped in and took the baby away from me. I struggled to keep it but I lost. It was the most horrible heart breaking feeling I've ever experienced in my life.

I woke up in a cold sweat, shaking and sobbing uncontrollably. I'm surprised my roommates didn't hear me down the hall. Or if they did they didn't say anything. HRT is a hell of a drug. It left me shaken all that day and it even still bothers me a little just writing about it. My new roommate would love to hear every detail about it, but this is something I'm not comfortable sharing (or at least sharing with people that know me IRL).

Anyways, As time goes on, I'm physically starting to become more and more passable. When I'm wearing a t-shirt and jeans my hourglass figure is clearly obvious. Boobs haven't really increased in size much, but they've definitely rounded out a bit and are quite noticeable. My face is looking very feminine but I've yet to do anything about my eyebrows and hair style definitely needs work. For the most part it's just been growing out with little upkeep aside from cleaning. I'm playing with a side part which looks far better than a middle part.

I want to go to a salon and have that all worked on, but my roommate would be crushed. She claims to be a beautician expert despite dropping out of that school. Frankly her makeup and hair style is awful. She wants to do mine and I don't trust her at all to do a good job. But if I go out and have a professional do it, it would hurt her feelings.

Regardless, I can finally stand to look at myself in the mirror now. I'm not where I should be yet, but I'm definitely getting close to the finish line. I still want to lose about 40 lbs and get a surgery or two. We'll see what happens. Budget is still too tight to do anything.

#025 - Happy 7 month anniversary, found a doctor maybe, and coming out to supervisor tomorrow. (HRT Day 217)

Tuesday, February 4 2014

So today is my 7th month on HRT and I can most definitely see noticeable changes in my face, my body, my mental and emotional state. All doubt as to whether HRT works is gone. It definitely works. So much fear and doubt in the beginning and it drove me nuts.

But yeah, I have to wear multiple shirts, a hoodie and a sports bra to keep my hourglass figure hidden. Something that's going to become VERY obvious in the future at work when the weather gets warmer. So I've decided to tell my supervisor now and not spring it as a surprise. I wanted to tell him today but he was far too busy with work and said "how about tomorrow?"

So sometime tomorrow I'm going to be telling him that I'm going through the transgender process, what to expect and how coworkers should behave, and most importantly, shouldn't behave towards me. No groping, no "grab-ass'ing", no asking about genitals, no using slurs such as Tranny, and such. I guess the biggest piece of advice for coworkers to treat me is to not make a big deal out of it.

I'm not coming out full time at work nor changing my name yet. I'm not demanding proper pronouns be used either. I'm simply giving my supervisor a heads up on what's coming down the road in a few months. I can't wear all these layers of clothing in the summer time and my figure will become quite obvious.

I honestly have no idea how it's going to go and I'm nervous as hell. My supervisor is a cool guy and I haven't been in trouble or anything at work. My last employee evaluation was nothing but praise for my work ethic and punctuality. I don't think I've ever been late to work and he's even admitted that he doesn't have to keep an eye on me to know that I'm doing my job to the best of my ability. I think you're doing something very right when your supervisor trusts you enough to not feel the need to supervise.

But it could go south and get nasty. I really hope it doesn't but I'm already looking at new job opportunities in case things go sour. At least I can go back to my old temp agency to get another job. I worked very well with them in the past.

Anyways, my health insurance gave me a bunch of endocrinologists numbers and told me to go find one on my own who actually does trans health care. After a week of wasted lunch breaks and dozens of calls, I gave up. Last Saturday I went to my regular trans support group and they were kind enough to give me a couple of numbers to doctors who actually do support trans people. I've got an appointment set up for next Tuesday. The only downside is that they do NOT take insurance of any kind. The initial visit cost has to be out of pocket which is $100.

It doesn't sound like much to the fully employed, but I'm already way far behind on some of my bills. I may not even be able to get my tablet out of pawn, it's already been quite a while. I'm afraid I missed the payment date and it's gone for good. It also means I can't get my pistol out of pawn yet again. I've been keeping up on that one and have been repawning it each month at $20 each month. Still, I'm really far behind on my car insurance bills and I have no idea how to catch up. Maybe a little at a time each month? I don't know. I do know that I won't have savings of any kind for quite a while.

My tax return is looking grim and sparse. Last year I got almost a thousand dollars back. This year is a measly two hundred dollars at best. I don't know what happened but I really REALLY needed that money to lift myself out of debt.

I'm still looking for an extra part time job. I need the money to save up for surgeries, but it will cut into necessary appointments such as laser hair removal and doctors appointments. If the part time job is shitty, I may have to choose between keeping the job or taking care of my needs.