Tuesday, October 29, 2013
So again its been a while since I last posted. And, like always, I'm writing this as I'm about to go to bed. But whatever.
I recently had to delve into the health insurance world and it got nasty. My job is switching from company ran healthcare to a third party insurance called Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. They have a prepresentative specifically assigned to our company and all of our employees. I thought she would be perfect to ask if Anthem covers HRT and SRS.
She was less than kind and respectful. Snapped at me a lot and eventually said "OK, you're pulling my leg. Don't ever call back."
So I then had to talk to our companies Human Resources rep. That was an awkward conversation but at least she tried to be civil and mature about it. She didn't know anything about transgender people or the medical needs associated. Honestly I'm just happy she didn't ridicule or toss me out of the office.
Anyways, she went and spoke to the Anthem rep on my behalf to get some answers. What she came back with sank my heart in despair. She said Anthem will NOT cover SRS for any reason and will NOT cover HRT, despite the fact that the very medications I'm taking now through DIY are listed as covered per Anthems own booklet.
Our HR rep apologized and said she feels like she let me down. Sadly there was nothing else she could do except recommend I check out Healthcare.gov and hope for the best.
My heart sank so low that afternoon. I tried to maintain composure for the rest of my shift which was difficult. When I got to my car I was in absolute tears from the sharp rejection. I collapsed onto the couch at home just bawling in a curled up ball, pulling tightly closed the drawstring on my hoodie.
I felt so horrible that those old thoughts of suicide came rushing back. Haven't had those since I came out to myself. Thankfully I've never put forth any effort into attempts.
Never in my life did I feel so low and rejected as I did that day. Eventually my roommate pulled into the driveway and I ran upstairs to my room before he came in.
At least I can now say for sure that the HRT meds have indeed changed my emotional state and sensitivity. Just wish I could've discovered that under better circumstances.
But there's a silver lining on this dark cloud. Bless our HR rep, she went the extra mile to bypass that Anthem bigot to find answers and indeed she did.
Quite to the contrary of that Anthem rep, they do indeed cover HRT and SRS but only if a doctor says that indeed they are medically necessary. Now to find a trans friendly doctor in this conservative state.
Aside from all that, I'm struggling to stay afloat financially. I'm missing payments and paying things late far too often. My credit card is maxed out, my debit card is in the red, I barely have a quarter tank of gas left to last the week, and this next paycheck is going straight to rent. Its come down to scrounging sofas and driers for spare change.
I guess this is as good a time as any to intentionally starve for a week or two. I've been meaning to do that in a last act of desperation to lose muscle and fat. Diet and exercise is just not doing it. I'm going to be skyping home this Christmas instead of physically traveling all the way to Texas and back. I want to look good for the camera. Have my laser treatments finished up by then, have my eyebrows neat looking, have my ears pierced and with silver studs in them, and have my hair in a feminine looking style.
The only people who don't know I'm trans yet is my family who live 1500 miles away. I want to at least look the part when I'm on camera. If they ask it would be a great time to say. If they're too dense to notice then oh well. I'll bring it up after one full year on HRT.
I've recently started cutting expenses. No more eBay splurging. I cut off my smartphone in favor of a cheap Walmart flip phone. My smartphone bill was $135 per month whereas the flip phone is $50 per month for unlimited everything. There are even cheaper monthly plans which I may downgrade to. I'm saving almost $1200 per year by doing this. The only down side is that I'm going through internet withdraw symptoms. No longer can I check Facebook and reddit on lunch and breaks. I have to find a Wi-Fi hotspot to do that now.
I'm also looking into getting a second job. I absolutely want that voice feminization surgery and I'm hellbent on getting it. Maybe even FFS as well if I think I need it later down the road. But the voice thing for sure. I'll end up working 60 to 80 hours per week, but after six months of that or so, I'll be able to afford it and then some.
Anyways, I'm losing sleep and I'm typing all of this on a tablet. Time to call it a night.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Thursday, October 3, 2013
#016 - Gun range fail, learning patience, discovery of voice surgery, and summary of changes (HRT Day 93)
Thursday, October 03, 2013
So tomorrow marks the three month mark of HRT. I find myself getting impatient with the whole process. Am I a girl yet? Just have to remember to be patient I guess. I've been watching a few of my favorite transgender YouTube channels. One was with violet4151. Her latest video (latest at the time of this entry) is all about learning to be patient and enjoy the transition process. She also shared a little about how she was also impatient with the time it takes. I found that thought a bit comforting. I've been making stupid (but harmless) mistakes in my transition because I'm getting impatient. I'm on a steady regiment of hormones and I should just keep it that way for the next year or so.
Anyways, right after my previous entry, I went to a pawn shop and bought a gun. It's a SAR B6P Compact 9mm and I like it. It was one of the key items that was missing from my entire survival preparation inventory:
I took it out to the range with a hundred target rounds:
Kinda sucked yeah I know. I'm a terrible shot as you can see in the picture. My shots kept drifting downward and I think it's because I'm jerking the trigger instead of squeezing. The range itself was fairly intimidating as the place was full of rednecks and ultra conservative looking types. I kept receiving strange glares from others and I felt super awkward just being there, but I did my business and left without incident.
You wouldn't believe how many rules and regulations this range has. It all revolves around safety and not accidentally discharging your gun.
I'll probably pick up a few more target rounds and practice some more next month or so. Can't practice as much as I'd like, it's rather expensive.
Speaking of expenses, I saw an interesting thread in the /r/asktransgender where a user posted her results of before and after voice surgery. The change is absolutely amazing and the best part is that it's almost completely risk free. The surgeon just goes in down the throat and synches together about a third of the vocal cords. Smaller opening means higher pitch. Higher pitch sounds more feminine. The change is advertised to be around an average of a 75 Hr z increase. The surgeon can increase that further but he is concerned that it may sound too high and unnatural.
I want this. Of all the surgeries on my to-get list, this one just shot up to number one. Maybe even higher than a trachea shave. I could probably get both at the same time from the same surgeon. The price tag is unfortunately high. $7,500 just for the operation. Factor in the cost of a plane ticket to Seol, S. Korea and lodging/food for ten days and it'll bring up the cost to around $11,000. Tack on whatever the cost is for the trachea shave as well. Yikes.
Recovery time from what I understand is relatively quick and results are just as fast. The ten days after the surgery, the patient is not supposed to use their voice at all. After the surgeon checks it out on the tenth day, you're sent on your merry way home with instruction to go easy on the voice for one to two months before fully speaking/singing/shouting.
I want this, but as soon as I get home, it will become immediately obvious to anyone who hears me. I leave one day sounding like a guy and come back ten days later sounding like a girl. Fortunately by the time I'm able to afford this, I think I'll be good on the appearance passing part. Still though, the cost is going to hurt and I'm going to have to really tighten up my budget, maybe take up a part time job to help.
I'm still paying for DIY hormones out of pocket which costs anywhere from $100 to $150 per month and I don't make all that much. There's wiggle room in the budget but it will take a serious financial commitment to reach this.
Anyways, for my three month mark here's what's gone down so far:
1) Physical changes have been for the most part unnoticeable. Breasts are starting to grow which I noticed a couple of weeks ago. It's definitely not imagined or anything. They ache and itch all the time but thankfully not to any serious uncomfortable degree. Touching them feels like a sore old bruise. There's now definitely noticeable mass and bounce now. I've started looking into sports bras and camisoles that aren't visually obvious under my shirt.
2) Skin has become noticeably thinner? I'm not sure that thinner is the right word. I work in a machine shop which means I get minor little scrapes and bruises all the time. They never bothered me before but now every little bump scrape and bruise hurts more than usual.
3) Muscle mass has gone down somewhat. Not a lot or even a moderate amount, but noticeably. I think so, but it's probably the continuing fat weight loss. I'm so close to breaking down through the 180 lbs barrier. Resisting junk food has become very difficult.
4) Dysphoria has now started kicking in at, of all places, the break room at work. At lunch and during breaks, the TV is blasting out Fox News hate at full volume. The break room is full of people nodding along like some kind of fucked up church. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to breath in that room with all that going on.
I actually left my lunch on the table and walked out when Fox was putting a negative spin on transgender people and a coworker blurted out "If I evah see one of dem faggots near me, I fuckin stab em!". This followed by another coworker saying "aint that the truth" with additional coworkers doing the head nodding and occasional "amens" from somewhere.
Fox News at that time was doing its worst to portray transgender people as ugly, nasty, sleazy and perverted as possible while this went on. In truth I don't think that coworker would actually stab someone, and I highly doubt he's ever even met a trans person.
5) Emotions haven't really seemed to be affected all that much. Maybe it has yet to kick in or maybe I've always had the emotions of a female and never knew otherwise. They do swell up and down from time to time, but nowhere close to what I would consider out of control in any way. I still have a firm lid on it, so to speak. Who knows though, that may change later.
6) My high degree of tiredness when I first started HRT is almost completely gone. I'm at 8mg of E and 212mg of Spiro ATM (I split a 25mg pill which is where the 12 comes from). It seems to be the right balance for me. I still need to go get blood work done again, but for the time being, hormones feel like they've settled and leveled out in a good place.
7) Sexual drive is barely there anymore. I'll think about sex maybe once a week and only for a fleeting moment or two. Even then, it doesn't really catch my interest anymore. I'm sure that sounds absolutely horrifying to someone else, but honestly I don't mind or even miss it. I have a feeling of calm and content that I actually really like.
8) Speaking of which, my mood for the most part is quite calm and content. Stuff that agrivates the hell out of coworkers doesn't phase me much. I'm not walking around in a stupor or anything, it's just that these sorts of problems that arise in the workplace just don't seem all that worthy of getting all worked up over. Which is great because one of my coworkers casually undid several weeks worth of work that half a dozen of us put in. I was initially charging up into WTF! mode, but then shrugged and moved on.
9) Taste in music has changed. I used to be into classic rock and modern rock, AC/DC and Metallica. Music that pumped you up and all. Now my interest in music has drifted into more light hearted stuff like Katy Perry and Bruno Mars.
10) Cravings for salty foods went up noticeably. I'm told that's a side effect of spiro.
11) Internal thoughts have started going all over the place. I find it hard to daydream and hard to focus on just one main thought. There's all these other side related thoughts racing around now which is very distracting.
12) Desire to play video games has dropped off dramatically. It's probably related to number 11 I imagine. Video games just don't hold my interest like they used to. Violent and/or aggressive video games much less so. When I do have an interest in gaming, it's usually for slow paced puzzle games.
Well that should about do it. This was an unusually long entry and it's already 10:30pm. Should've gone to bed half an hour ago like I always try to do.
So tomorrow marks the three month mark of HRT. I find myself getting impatient with the whole process. Am I a girl yet? Just have to remember to be patient I guess. I've been watching a few of my favorite transgender YouTube channels. One was with violet4151. Her latest video (latest at the time of this entry) is all about learning to be patient and enjoy the transition process. She also shared a little about how she was also impatient with the time it takes. I found that thought a bit comforting. I've been making stupid (but harmless) mistakes in my transition because I'm getting impatient. I'm on a steady regiment of hormones and I should just keep it that way for the next year or so.
Anyways, right after my previous entry, I went to a pawn shop and bought a gun. It's a SAR B6P Compact 9mm and I like it. It was one of the key items that was missing from my entire survival preparation inventory:
(sorry, I couldn't get the picture to rotate correctly)
I took it out to the range with a hundred target rounds:
(at least I had the gun pointed in the correct general direction)
Kinda sucked yeah I know. I'm a terrible shot as you can see in the picture. My shots kept drifting downward and I think it's because I'm jerking the trigger instead of squeezing. The range itself was fairly intimidating as the place was full of rednecks and ultra conservative looking types. I kept receiving strange glares from others and I felt super awkward just being there, but I did my business and left without incident.
You wouldn't believe how many rules and regulations this range has. It all revolves around safety and not accidentally discharging your gun.
I'll probably pick up a few more target rounds and practice some more next month or so. Can't practice as much as I'd like, it's rather expensive.
Speaking of expenses, I saw an interesting thread in the /r/asktransgender where a user posted her results of before and after voice surgery. The change is absolutely amazing and the best part is that it's almost completely risk free. The surgeon just goes in down the throat and synches together about a third of the vocal cords. Smaller opening means higher pitch. Higher pitch sounds more feminine. The change is advertised to be around an average of a 75 Hr z increase. The surgeon can increase that further but he is concerned that it may sound too high and unnatural.
I want this. Of all the surgeries on my to-get list, this one just shot up to number one. Maybe even higher than a trachea shave. I could probably get both at the same time from the same surgeon. The price tag is unfortunately high. $7,500 just for the operation. Factor in the cost of a plane ticket to Seol, S. Korea and lodging/food for ten days and it'll bring up the cost to around $11,000. Tack on whatever the cost is for the trachea shave as well. Yikes.
Recovery time from what I understand is relatively quick and results are just as fast. The ten days after the surgery, the patient is not supposed to use their voice at all. After the surgeon checks it out on the tenth day, you're sent on your merry way home with instruction to go easy on the voice for one to two months before fully speaking/singing/shouting.
I want this, but as soon as I get home, it will become immediately obvious to anyone who hears me. I leave one day sounding like a guy and come back ten days later sounding like a girl. Fortunately by the time I'm able to afford this, I think I'll be good on the appearance passing part. Still though, the cost is going to hurt and I'm going to have to really tighten up my budget, maybe take up a part time job to help.
I'm still paying for DIY hormones out of pocket which costs anywhere from $100 to $150 per month and I don't make all that much. There's wiggle room in the budget but it will take a serious financial commitment to reach this.
Anyways, for my three month mark here's what's gone down so far:
1) Physical changes have been for the most part unnoticeable. Breasts are starting to grow which I noticed a couple of weeks ago. It's definitely not imagined or anything. They ache and itch all the time but thankfully not to any serious uncomfortable degree. Touching them feels like a sore old bruise. There's now definitely noticeable mass and bounce now. I've started looking into sports bras and camisoles that aren't visually obvious under my shirt.
2) Skin has become noticeably thinner? I'm not sure that thinner is the right word. I work in a machine shop which means I get minor little scrapes and bruises all the time. They never bothered me before but now every little bump scrape and bruise hurts more than usual.
3) Muscle mass has gone down somewhat. Not a lot or even a moderate amount, but noticeably. I think so, but it's probably the continuing fat weight loss. I'm so close to breaking down through the 180 lbs barrier. Resisting junk food has become very difficult.
4) Dysphoria has now started kicking in at, of all places, the break room at work. At lunch and during breaks, the TV is blasting out Fox News hate at full volume. The break room is full of people nodding along like some kind of fucked up church. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to breath in that room with all that going on.
I actually left my lunch on the table and walked out when Fox was putting a negative spin on transgender people and a coworker blurted out "If I evah see one of dem faggots near me, I fuckin stab em!". This followed by another coworker saying "aint that the truth" with additional coworkers doing the head nodding and occasional "amens" from somewhere.
Fox News at that time was doing its worst to portray transgender people as ugly, nasty, sleazy and perverted as possible while this went on. In truth I don't think that coworker would actually stab someone, and I highly doubt he's ever even met a trans person.
5) Emotions haven't really seemed to be affected all that much. Maybe it has yet to kick in or maybe I've always had the emotions of a female and never knew otherwise. They do swell up and down from time to time, but nowhere close to what I would consider out of control in any way. I still have a firm lid on it, so to speak. Who knows though, that may change later.
6) My high degree of tiredness when I first started HRT is almost completely gone. I'm at 8mg of E and 212mg of Spiro ATM (I split a 25mg pill which is where the 12 comes from). It seems to be the right balance for me. I still need to go get blood work done again, but for the time being, hormones feel like they've settled and leveled out in a good place.
7) Sexual drive is barely there anymore. I'll think about sex maybe once a week and only for a fleeting moment or two. Even then, it doesn't really catch my interest anymore. I'm sure that sounds absolutely horrifying to someone else, but honestly I don't mind or even miss it. I have a feeling of calm and content that I actually really like.
8) Speaking of which, my mood for the most part is quite calm and content. Stuff that agrivates the hell out of coworkers doesn't phase me much. I'm not walking around in a stupor or anything, it's just that these sorts of problems that arise in the workplace just don't seem all that worthy of getting all worked up over. Which is great because one of my coworkers casually undid several weeks worth of work that half a dozen of us put in. I was initially charging up into WTF! mode, but then shrugged and moved on.
9) Taste in music has changed. I used to be into classic rock and modern rock, AC/DC and Metallica. Music that pumped you up and all. Now my interest in music has drifted into more light hearted stuff like Katy Perry and Bruno Mars.
10) Cravings for salty foods went up noticeably. I'm told that's a side effect of spiro.
11) Internal thoughts have started going all over the place. I find it hard to daydream and hard to focus on just one main thought. There's all these other side related thoughts racing around now which is very distracting.
12) Desire to play video games has dropped off dramatically. It's probably related to number 11 I imagine. Video games just don't hold my interest like they used to. Violent and/or aggressive video games much less so. When I do have an interest in gaming, it's usually for slow paced puzzle games.
Well that should about do it. This was an unusually long entry and it's already 10:30pm. Should've gone to bed half an hour ago like I always try to do.
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