Saturday, December 07, 2013
So I was invited to a transgender support group some time ago. Today was the get-together. All day long I had butterflies in my stomach. I had no clue what to expect, what to bring if anything, and just anything really. No clue what to expect.
It went surprisingly well. I know I'm going to be offensive in saying this, but I still have old transphobic stereotypes and was expecting those stereotypes to play out. Well that didn't happen. Everyone was polite and fun. Nobody was dressed over sexualized or slutty. I even had a bit of fun as well, though "arts-n-crafts time" seemed forced and nobody really seemed interested. It was mostly social interacting.
There was a group from another city visiting. They were asking for volunteers to participate in their project which was to show the true face behind the transgender community. Some were willing to have their picture taken. Others were not which is understandable.
Interestingly enough, I found myself actually socializing which is a first for me. I'm usually the one who's avoiding talking to anyone or participating in anything, watching the clock eagerly awaiting for it to be over. Not this time however. I think the idea of not having to hide who I really am really helped. It felt amazing actually, not having to pretend or feel ashamed.
I'm still questioning my sexuality. Before HRT I was solid 100% attracted to women. After HRT, my sex drive dropped off dramatically, but I was still attracted to women. I'm now starting to notice guys. Not in a sexual way (at least so far), but I can definitely see the appeal now. I used to be so terrified that if I allowed myself to have gay thoughts, I'd turn gay. Now that I allow myself to have any thoughts about any gender, I find that's not the case. I'm still attracted to women sexually and attracted to guys a little in a non sexual way.
Anyways, I'm now on my 5th month of HRT. It's been an interesting ride so far. Changes have been so gradual that it feels like nothing is happening at all. I don't pass nor am I trying. My eyebrows, facial hair, voice and hair style are still a problem for me. But those issues aside, it's clear that genuine progress is happening which is awesome. I don't plan on passing until about 1 year of HRT or longer. Plenty of time to work on said issues. I still have concerns about Adams apple, but from what I understand it's a relatively cheap operation to take.
I'm currently still broke. December is going to be a lean month, budget wise. At least I can afford food and necessities which is what's important. One of my bills I'm going to miss by a week unfortunately, but I think I'll be ok. I had to pawn my pistol and tablet to make ends meet last month. I plan on getting the tablet back and repawning the gun again. The pawn shop wants full payment instead of partial payments. Repawning it only costs $20 extra. I'll definitely have enough to get it back in January.
I'm not sure what else I can add to this blog entry. There was something else but I can't think of it atm. Things are progressing ok at a steady pace and I'm content with it. To be honest I'm still a bit freaked out as presenting and passing as female. I don't know why, it's what I wanted. But it's frightening none the less.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Friday, November 29, 2013
#021 - Thanksgiving sucks, even more broke, and laser hair removal. (HRT Day 150)
Friday, November 29, 2013.
Regardless, some stuff went down. I had my first laser hair removal treatment on the 12th. I had no idea what to expect, but it was actually fairly quick. Painful as hell in my opinion, but quick. It was like receiving a powerful shock of static electricity to my face over and over.
Results so far after first treatment is disappointing. I was told I probably won't see any results until after the 4th treatment or so. So far zero hair loss which sucks. I was hoping to have results for when I skyped home this holiday season. No such luck.
Yesterday was thanksgiving which went about as I expected. Both roommates are out of town with family and I have the entire house to myself all Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday...
I pretty much spent the time so far sulking. I did receive one invitation to a coworkers family party for after thanksgiving, but I declined. I'm really bad at social gatherings, plus I don't think I can afford to spend the gas it would take to get there and back. It's got to last seven more days or else I'm walking, a concept I'm strangely interested in doing. Reminds me of the "good ol' days" of having to bike/walk two hours to work and two hours back. Great exercise when I bring a music player.
Anyways I met another trans women, ironically through a dating website. My profile clearly states I'm not looking for anything more than just friends. We talked a bit and she invited me to a local LGBT center where trans people meet up twice a month.
I'm still not sure what to make of her. I've been burned in the past by other trans women who seemed pleasant to talk to at first, but became super rude and repellant later on. Not really sure if its something I did/said or not. Still, I'm going to the center next week and I have no clue what to expect. Kinda nervous.
I got the chance to Skype home yesterday. It was actually kinda awkward as mom gathered EVERYONE around the laptop as if its a big event or something. It's just me saying hi on video conference. It was a lot of small talk plus my baby sister who I didn't recognize at all. I actually stopped the conversation and said "ok, hang on. Who is that in the background? I recognize everyone else but who the heck is that?"
Everyone laughed and said that's [sister #3]. You haven't seen her in years.
Moving on, I'm still here chilling in an empty house. I own several pairs of heels of various heights and practiced walking around in them. I can now say with certainty that, although cute, heels are evil. The higher the height, the worse they got. I have two pair that I can walk around in pretty well. The rest are going straight back to eBay. May they cause someone else a new definition of hell. I'll stick to flats and low heels from now on.
That may have sounded weird and/or awkward, but in context not really. I've been cleaning out my closet and found several pairs of jeans that used to fit years ago. Now not only do they fit, they look great on me. Tight and shapely in all the right places, a little flair on the pant legs. I saw myself in a full mirror and I looked pretty good, which blew me away how much has actually changed.
I had this overwhelming fear that hormones would do little to nothing for me. That I'd still look like a burly dude in a dress. If yesterday was any indication for how things will turn out, I'm going to be extremely pleased with the results. It's only been almost 5 months of hormones. I can't wait to see how things will look after a year.
Speaking of changes, I'm going to have to start putting serious effort into my appearance and voice. Eventually cold weather season will fade and I won't be able to conceal all the physical changes. So when it gets too hot for a hoodie, I'm going to be forced to go full time or feel embarrassed all damn day and night.
Breasts are rapidly becoming noticeable and annoying. They itch and ache all the time. Plus they're getting quite visibly noticeable even with a sports bra. Don't get me wrong, they're starting to look amazing, but they're also causing a lot if social awkwardness and discomfort. I can't sleep face down anymore without pain.
Lets see, what else? I'm still broke as hell. I thought I had a budget for luxuries, but it turns out I didn't, now I've got my bills paid off just barely. It came down to I think 37 cents left over in my bank account. What a lousy way to start saving for future surgeries.
One final thing. Mom asked me to drop a line now and then, mostly an update on how things are going. I get the strong impression that transition is a subject nobody wants to talk about or ask questions unless I force the subject (which I did in my last email). Anyways, here is her latest email response:
Hey sweetie
Thanks for dropping a line. I actually knew a woman years ago who used to be a man (back when the surgery was brand new). This woman was a WOMAN. Over the years I have read alot of stuff about transgender, even took a course on Human Sexuality when I was in college. Transgender is complicated and totally NOT the same as transvestite, gay or bisexual. Transgender people really suffer emotionally - it's not them being kinky or perverted or deviant. In a way, I guess you could say I was ready for this type of news. My two main concerns for you are 1) your emotional well-being, and 2) your physical safety (guys get beat-up for this kind of thing). Do your room-mates know about this? Does your employer know?
I'm glad that work is going OK. It would be wonderful if you had a job that you loved but very few people have that luxury (so not hating your job is actually doing pretty good :-)
Well, that's about all for now. Busy as usual around here - nothing exciting but something always going on.
Take care.
Love,
Mom
Thanks for dropping a line. I actually knew a woman years ago who used to be a man (back when the surgery was brand new). This woman was a WOMAN. Over the years I have read alot of stuff about transgender, even took a course on Human Sexuality when I was in college. Transgender is complicated and totally NOT the same as transvestite, gay or bisexual. Transgender people really suffer emotionally - it's not them being kinky or perverted or deviant. In a way, I guess you could say I was ready for this type of news. My two main concerns for you are 1) your emotional well-being, and 2) your physical safety (guys get beat-up for this kind of thing). Do your room-mates know about this? Does your employer know?
I'm glad that work is going OK. It would be wonderful if you had a job that you loved but very few people have that luxury (so not hating your job is actually doing pretty good :-)
Well, that's about all for now. Busy as usual around here - nothing exciting but something always going on.
Take care.
Love,
Mom
Sort of a nice thing. I'm so thankful she knows the differences and has some understanding what it means to be transgender. It at least makes my transition a bit less difficult in regards to family.
The last thing I wanted to touch on are secrets. Not the kind of secrets like your email address password or things like that. The kind of deep dark secrets about your life that you don't tell anyone.
I was thinking on this subject and the thought occurred to me that I don't have those kinds of secrets anymore. My closet seems to be completely clean and empty. No longer having to live double and even triple lives anymore is a HUGE relief.
There's no deep dark secret that I feel the need to hide anymore. No worrying that someone might find out and it ruining me. No worry over what others will think of me if they found out. I'm having difficulty finding words to describe this overwhelming feeling of relief and calm. My budget may be in taters, social life almost non existent, and work may be dull, but none of that really seems to mater anymore in the big picture.
Well, until next time.
Sunday, November 10, 2013
#020 - Conversation with brother, broke again, and "the" coin toss. (HRT Day 131)
Sunday, November 10, 2013
So I've been broke for a while now and I just got paid... and now I'm broke again. It all went straight out to bills and stuff. Not as broke as last week, I went grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to starve again (honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would've been).
Lately it just seems that life is at a standstill. Nothing new or exciting is happening. Haven't seen any new movies. Haven't played any new video games. Haven't read any new books. Nothing of note is going on at work. It's just been a "blah" couple of weeks. Plans to save money have fizzled out so far because of piled up bills.
Oh and I just got a new bill in the mail. Seems I wasn't finished repaying my enlistment bonus back after all. I still owe about $500 which sucks. I thought I was finished but I guess not. One day they just stopped sending me bills in the mail and whenever I called, nobody knew the status of said bill. Now 7 months later I receive a "FINAL NOTICE!!!" collections letter which I find strange. They had my phone number and mailing address this whole time and nobody bothered to inquire in all that time? Whatever I guess.
I finally got Brother #1 to create a Facebook account. Took him forever to do so and recently he caved. Our conversation via Facebook was really long and touched a LOT of different subjects. We were basically just catching up. Anyways, here's the more relevant parts of that conversation:
(BTW I have two brothers + three sisters and I don't want to name them on this blog. I'm just numbering them based on birth order, not counting myself since I'm the oldest)
Brother #1: Facebook is weird. none of this is intuitive.
Me: You get used to it. It's a hell of a lot better than twitter. It's also better on smartphones.
Brother #1: I am definitely not putting it on my smartphone. That's my work phone. Also fyi my keyboard is FUBAR so if I type and I am missing letters that's why
Me: lol ok. A likely excuse
Me: Btw... 172lbs and still falling :-P
(we've discussed weight loss tips in the past, but he refuses to give up all those sugary drinks)
Brother #1: Congrats! I can now bench press you :-)
Me: I'm going for around 140'ish
Brother #1: Yeah that's crazy skinny
Me: I've lost so much muscle mass already. Getting a bit skinny everywhere.
Brother #1: Hey on a more serious note...
(long pause)
Me: Question mark?
Brother #1: Mom told me about what's been going on with you. I just want you to know that I am really proud of you. That probably sounds weird coming from your younger brother. I am assuming that's what you meant when you made that Facebook post about writing a very hard letter.
Brother #1: I swear I can type fast... stupid keyboard...
Me: lol chubby fingers. But yeah, I've tried so very hard to be "normal" but it wasn't working.
Brother #1: No it's a big step to take and it takes courage to follow through with that. You recognized it and didn't continue to keep it to yourself or hide it so I really respect that.
(I teared up a bit as I was pulling this conversation off my phone and typing it here in this blog)
Brother #1: And I'm not chubby, I am big boned :-D
Me: lol sure. But yeah, 6 months of seeing a therapist and 4 months so far on prescription. Changes have been super awkward and amazing at the same time.
(That's a lie BTW. I haven't seen a therapist and my HRT was not prescribed by a doctor. I'm not proud about that lie, but it's the best way I know to calm any concerns they have. It sounds a whole hell of a lot better than admitting that I'm DIY'ing. Plus next year I'll actually be on official doctor prescribed HRT)
Me: Also, I'm trying to avoid talking to [Sister in Law]. She and I are pretty much on opposite spectrums of politics, except guns.
Brother #1: Yeah I can't even imagine. Mom actually was kind of weird about it when she told me. She was worried that Kathryn and I would freak out or something. She told me to think about it for a couple of days on "how to present the information to [Sister in Law] in a way that would be the best received by her as to not shock her". I got off the phone, turned to [Sister in Law] and told her, and it was like "Oh, ok"
(The rest of the very long conversation has nothing to do with the topic of this blog so I cut it. Plus it's VERY long. We touched on choice of guns, bitcoins, military service, politics, religion, bug-out bags, and on and on).
Brother #1 is only about a year younger than I am and I've always been sort of jealous at how well he's doing. He owns his own house, he has several kids, married, multiple cars, a good paying job. And here I am, the eldest sibling, struggling to buy a pack of ramen noodles. Of course, he was always considered the favorite child, it wasn't a secret or anything. My parents HATED me with a spiteful passion. When I was under their roof we fought night and day, every day. Sometimes it came to physical blows.
They never really understood what I was going through. They just thought I was being a rebellious little shit with anger management issues. It wasn't until recently when I came out all the puzzle pieces fit together. They now know what I was going through at the time. They know the hell I went through at church, at school and at home. What they don't know, and I'm not sure if I want to tell them, is how close I came to ending it all.
Should probably toss in a trigger warning here or something. Also there's some personal bitching and whining. A bit of a pity party too, but whatever, fuck you it's my blog.
I pretty much knew something was wrong since about 7 or 8 years old. A lot of trans folks think it's a prerequisite to know you're trans that early in life, but I don't think it's that common. From everything I've read, most trans people don't know it or even question it until later in life. For some, much later in life.
But back on topic, I also knew I had to hide these feelings. The church would go on and on about how evil and filthy "those" kinds of people are. School mates loved to single out and bully LGBT kids mercilessly. Parents weren't exactly the loving supportive type... at all. I had to hide and bury it to survive.
I struggled to fit in and be "normal". I tried to get into hobbies that other boys liked. I tried liking girls. And yes, I even tried looking at porn (don't judge me, I had zero guidance). Parents caught me and freaked out. They hauled my butt down to the church and forced me into having a confessional with the bishop. Mom wasn't allowed to be involved in said confessional, despite her insistence.
I broke down and told the bishop everything. How I felt I was broken. How I felt I wasn't the right gender. How filthy and horrible I felt just walking into the church. After I let it all out, he gave me advice that he waned me to follow. Advice, looking back on it now, was quite possibly the worst I've ever heard.
He told me that the reason why I felt this was because the devil is trying to confuse me. I need to work extra hard on burying these feelings. I need to work extra hard to like girls and to be a normal boy. I can't give in to this filth or I'll go to hell and burn for all eternity.
I didn't know any better, and this was the pre-internet age. I blindly followed his advice to the best I could. In retrospect, it has caused me so much grief and anguish. I wish I could go back in time and punch that asshole's lights out.
Anyways, I went along with that advice for years. Repressing it, bottling it up, trying so very hard to be normal. Every relationship I've had with a woman always ended within a couple of months max and it always ended badly.
And it only got worse. I'd lie in bed at night crying and praying for God to fix me. Eventually it devolved into praying for God to take my life because I didn't want to live anymore. My finances suffered, hygiene suffered, social life suffered, health suffered, faith completely gone.
Then one day I just stopped getting out of bed. I called in sick for the entire week and just laid in bed almost the entire time staring at the ceiling. I came to the end where I was thinking on a plan to take my life. In the back of my mind I didn't want to die, not really. But I had nothing left to live for. No hopes or dreams or aspirations.
I left the ultimate decision in the fate of a coin toss. Yeah, really. My life was so worthless and without meaning that I left it up to a coin toss. Heads I'd go off and join the military, because how much worse could it be than things are now? Tails I'd heavily overdose on sleeping pills and alcohol. Just go to sleep and not wake up.
(Sorry, I keep stopping and starting this blog entry. I'm having a hard time writing this. Painful memories and all).
So yeah, it came up heads which sort of threw me by surprise. I had already made peace with things and set up arrangements for my personal belongings to be given away. I emailed the nearest Navy recruiter and that weekend I came in to sign the enlistment papers.
My recruiter was even a bit taken back by how little enlisting phased me, and how he didn't have to sell me on the whole military thing. I just walked in, exchanged pleasantries, and asked to sign right then and there.
I should probably end this blog entry now. My time in the military could fill several entries on its own as is. This upcoming Thursday I start laser hair removal on my face. I'm a tad disappointing that it's only IPL and not the better kind, but quite honestly it was the ONLY hair removal method of any kind on Groupon. Kinda sucks because most likely I'll have to repeat the process all over again in a year or so. Everything I've read about IPL says it sucks.
So I guess until next time.
So I've been broke for a while now and I just got paid... and now I'm broke again. It all went straight out to bills and stuff. Not as broke as last week, I went grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to starve again (honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would've been).
Lately it just seems that life is at a standstill. Nothing new or exciting is happening. Haven't seen any new movies. Haven't played any new video games. Haven't read any new books. Nothing of note is going on at work. It's just been a "blah" couple of weeks. Plans to save money have fizzled out so far because of piled up bills.
Oh and I just got a new bill in the mail. Seems I wasn't finished repaying my enlistment bonus back after all. I still owe about $500 which sucks. I thought I was finished but I guess not. One day they just stopped sending me bills in the mail and whenever I called, nobody knew the status of said bill. Now 7 months later I receive a "FINAL NOTICE!!!" collections letter which I find strange. They had my phone number and mailing address this whole time and nobody bothered to inquire in all that time? Whatever I guess.
I finally got Brother #1 to create a Facebook account. Took him forever to do so and recently he caved. Our conversation via Facebook was really long and touched a LOT of different subjects. We were basically just catching up. Anyways, here's the more relevant parts of that conversation:
(BTW I have two brothers + three sisters and I don't want to name them on this blog. I'm just numbering them based on birth order, not counting myself since I'm the oldest)
Brother #1: Facebook is weird. none of this is intuitive.
Me: You get used to it. It's a hell of a lot better than twitter. It's also better on smartphones.
Brother #1: I am definitely not putting it on my smartphone. That's my work phone. Also fyi my keyboard is FUBAR so if I type and I am missing letters that's why
Me: lol ok. A likely excuse
Me: Btw... 172lbs and still falling :-P
(we've discussed weight loss tips in the past, but he refuses to give up all those sugary drinks)
Brother #1: Congrats! I can now bench press you :-)
Me: I'm going for around 140'ish
Brother #1: Yeah that's crazy skinny
Me: I've lost so much muscle mass already. Getting a bit skinny everywhere.
Brother #1: Hey on a more serious note...
(long pause)
Me: Question mark?
Brother #1: Mom told me about what's been going on with you. I just want you to know that I am really proud of you. That probably sounds weird coming from your younger brother. I am assuming that's what you meant when you made that Facebook post about writing a very hard letter.
Brother #1: I swear I can type fast... stupid keyboard...
Me: lol chubby fingers. But yeah, I've tried so very hard to be "normal" but it wasn't working.
Brother #1: No it's a big step to take and it takes courage to follow through with that. You recognized it and didn't continue to keep it to yourself or hide it so I really respect that.
(I teared up a bit as I was pulling this conversation off my phone and typing it here in this blog)
Brother #1: And I'm not chubby, I am big boned :-D
Me: lol sure. But yeah, 6 months of seeing a therapist and 4 months so far on prescription. Changes have been super awkward and amazing at the same time.
(That's a lie BTW. I haven't seen a therapist and my HRT was not prescribed by a doctor. I'm not proud about that lie, but it's the best way I know to calm any concerns they have. It sounds a whole hell of a lot better than admitting that I'm DIY'ing. Plus next year I'll actually be on official doctor prescribed HRT)
Me: Also, I'm trying to avoid talking to [Sister in Law]. She and I are pretty much on opposite spectrums of politics, except guns.
Brother #1: Yeah I can't even imagine. Mom actually was kind of weird about it when she told me. She was worried that Kathryn and I would freak out or something. She told me to think about it for a couple of days on "how to present the information to [Sister in Law] in a way that would be the best received by her as to not shock her". I got off the phone, turned to [Sister in Law] and told her, and it was like "Oh, ok"
(The rest of the very long conversation has nothing to do with the topic of this blog so I cut it. Plus it's VERY long. We touched on choice of guns, bitcoins, military service, politics, religion, bug-out bags, and on and on).
Brother #1 is only about a year younger than I am and I've always been sort of jealous at how well he's doing. He owns his own house, he has several kids, married, multiple cars, a good paying job. And here I am, the eldest sibling, struggling to buy a pack of ramen noodles. Of course, he was always considered the favorite child, it wasn't a secret or anything. My parents HATED me with a spiteful passion. When I was under their roof we fought night and day, every day. Sometimes it came to physical blows.
They never really understood what I was going through. They just thought I was being a rebellious little shit with anger management issues. It wasn't until recently when I came out all the puzzle pieces fit together. They now know what I was going through at the time. They know the hell I went through at church, at school and at home. What they don't know, and I'm not sure if I want to tell them, is how close I came to ending it all.
Should probably toss in a trigger warning here or something. Also there's some personal bitching and whining. A bit of a pity party too, but whatever, fuck you it's my blog.
I pretty much knew something was wrong since about 7 or 8 years old. A lot of trans folks think it's a prerequisite to know you're trans that early in life, but I don't think it's that common. From everything I've read, most trans people don't know it or even question it until later in life. For some, much later in life.
But back on topic, I also knew I had to hide these feelings. The church would go on and on about how evil and filthy "those" kinds of people are. School mates loved to single out and bully LGBT kids mercilessly. Parents weren't exactly the loving supportive type... at all. I had to hide and bury it to survive.
I struggled to fit in and be "normal". I tried to get into hobbies that other boys liked. I tried liking girls. And yes, I even tried looking at porn (don't judge me, I had zero guidance). Parents caught me and freaked out. They hauled my butt down to the church and forced me into having a confessional with the bishop. Mom wasn't allowed to be involved in said confessional, despite her insistence.
I broke down and told the bishop everything. How I felt I was broken. How I felt I wasn't the right gender. How filthy and horrible I felt just walking into the church. After I let it all out, he gave me advice that he waned me to follow. Advice, looking back on it now, was quite possibly the worst I've ever heard.
He told me that the reason why I felt this was because the devil is trying to confuse me. I need to work extra hard on burying these feelings. I need to work extra hard to like girls and to be a normal boy. I can't give in to this filth or I'll go to hell and burn for all eternity.
I didn't know any better, and this was the pre-internet age. I blindly followed his advice to the best I could. In retrospect, it has caused me so much grief and anguish. I wish I could go back in time and punch that asshole's lights out.
Anyways, I went along with that advice for years. Repressing it, bottling it up, trying so very hard to be normal. Every relationship I've had with a woman always ended within a couple of months max and it always ended badly.
And it only got worse. I'd lie in bed at night crying and praying for God to fix me. Eventually it devolved into praying for God to take my life because I didn't want to live anymore. My finances suffered, hygiene suffered, social life suffered, health suffered, faith completely gone.
Then one day I just stopped getting out of bed. I called in sick for the entire week and just laid in bed almost the entire time staring at the ceiling. I came to the end where I was thinking on a plan to take my life. In the back of my mind I didn't want to die, not really. But I had nothing left to live for. No hopes or dreams or aspirations.
I left the ultimate decision in the fate of a coin toss. Yeah, really. My life was so worthless and without meaning that I left it up to a coin toss. Heads I'd go off and join the military, because how much worse could it be than things are now? Tails I'd heavily overdose on sleeping pills and alcohol. Just go to sleep and not wake up.
(Sorry, I keep stopping and starting this blog entry. I'm having a hard time writing this. Painful memories and all).
So yeah, it came up heads which sort of threw me by surprise. I had already made peace with things and set up arrangements for my personal belongings to be given away. I emailed the nearest Navy recruiter and that weekend I came in to sign the enlistment papers.
My recruiter was even a bit taken back by how little enlisting phased me, and how he didn't have to sell me on the whole military thing. I just walked in, exchanged pleasantries, and asked to sign right then and there.
I should probably end this blog entry now. My time in the military could fill several entries on its own as is. This upcoming Thursday I start laser hair removal on my face. I'm a tad disappointing that it's only IPL and not the better kind, but quite honestly it was the ONLY hair removal method of any kind on Groupon. Kinda sucks because most likely I'll have to repeat the process all over again in a year or so. Everything I've read about IPL says it sucks.
So I guess until next time.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
#019 - Reflecting on the past ***Definitely Trigger Warning Stuff*** (HRT Day 126)
Tuesday, November 05, 2013
So yesterday was the official four month mark on HRT. Lots of mistakes on dosage and stuff. I'm pretty level now on 8mg Provera (estrogen) and 212mg of Spiro (I split a 25mg). This seems to be the magic dose that works for me, but I haven't gotten any bloodwork done yet on this. I will though either this weekend or next week. Definitely after payday when I will have money to get the bloodwork done.
My finances right now are, well... shit to be honest. My one credit card is maxed out and my bank account is negative $496 (the most negative it can go is $500). I'm scrounging through sofa cushions and drier leftovers looking for spare change. I've managed to find enough to get my gas tank up to half full which will last until payday. Maybe even enough to drive to the gym I've been neglecting.
I've "decided" to go on a starvation diet. When I say decided I really mean forced into it because I'm flat broke and have no money for food. Haven't had any for the past two weeks. So far I've been drinking a lot of water, chicken broth and occasionally munching on leftover Halloween candy. Results so far are surprisingly good (though I cannot recommend anyone trying it). I'm still full of energy, I'm not feeling tired or irritable, no aches and hunger pains, no dizziness or confusion, nothing that usually comes with starvation.
I am, however, losing weight which is awesome. I love getting up in the morning to weigh myself. I'm so very close to breaking down through the 170lb floor. I've really come a long way from the start which was like 210lb or 215lbs. I'm still looking to reach 140lb or lower, but this has been going well.
My arms have been getting very skinny, plus having them completely hairless makes them look youthful and feminine. Even the muscle mass on my hands is starting to come down. My legs are still super chunky like a mans legs, but that will get down too with time. I do have to say that when payday comes this Friday, I'm going out to buy the biggest Papa Johns pizza they offer. The Hawaiian BBQ Chicken and Bacon (no onions) pizza is fucking amazing. It's my happy food when I'm feeling really down which I am lately.
So... yeah, about that. Trigger warning from here on down.
*******************************************************
Bear with me as I've spent most of my life repressing memories of the past. It's just now all coming back to the surface as I confront instead of bury it.
After I came out to my mom, I've been reflecting on my childhood and it's left me very sad, some nights even outright crying my eyes out. I was considered a "problem child" when I was young. I was always getting into fights, even with kids up to twice my age and size. I was vicious because I just didn't care. I'm the one that usually got hurt the worst but I was always the one left standing in the end. I was full of rage and hate and self loathing.
I spent most of my life trying to be "normal" and failing at it. Trying to do what boys and men are supposed to do and act. I knew from age seven or eight that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I knew that I wasn't who I was supposed to be. I had this weird foreign object between my legs that wasn't supposed to be there. I'm supposed to be a girl and I was not. I thought I was fucked up and broken but nobody else could see it. I felt so horrible at school, at church and at home.
School was unkind to kids who showed even a little feminine side. I was constantly bullied and called faggot, queer, fudge packer, butt pirate, and every other derogatory name imaginable. Of course, I fought back with fists and anger which just made things worse.
Church was even worse. Messages that were meant to inspire and teach morality did nothing of the sort for me. All I saw was hate and contempt aimed at me. It felt like everyone knew exactly who the bishop was referring to and giving instructions on how to treat me badly. I'm a sinner. I'm a disgusting homo. I'm an abomination in the eyes of God. I deserved death.
Home was bad as well. Mom and step dad never listened to anything I had to say. I tried telling them once that I'm wrong and am not actually a boy, but the conversation devolved into moms ramblings about Satan and [real dad] secretly conspiring together and plotting to "get" her somehow, some way. My mom and religion go together like alcohol to an alcoholic or fire to gasoline.
I felt completely alone. Bitter, angry, scared, confused, rejected, filthy, and condemned which no child should ever feel that way. But there it was. It didn't get any better after I was thrown out for good. Each day was misery. I had no ambition and no goals to achieve anything. My one and only goal was to survive the day and that was it.
I continued the charade of being "normal" and results were the same as always. One failed relationship with a woman after the next. Pretending to be interested in male hobbies (although paintball I was genuinely interested in). None of it was working but I kept on trying. Oh my God I tried so desperately hard.
There were many nights where I would cry myself to sleep praying. Asking God why am I broken like this? Please will you fix me? Please just kill me and let this nightmare be over. I don't want to go on like this anymore. Please let me just slip away in my sleep and not come back.
Alcoholism kicked in pretty hard as well as severe obsession with role playing video games. It was my only escape from that hell. Thoughts of suicide came more and more frequently. Eventually it came down to a coin toss. I know it sounds stupid but I quite literally reached the end. Heads, I'd go off and join the Navy and travel the world. Tails I'd overdose on sleeping pills and never wake up.
Fortunately it landed heads and I wound up in the Navy recruiters office the next day. I didn't care about living anymore which made signing the enlistment papers pretty easy. Even the recruiter was surprised by how unconcerned I was about putting my life aside to join the military.
Bootcamped happened and it sucked. Submarine school happened and it was the best year and a half I can remember. Things were great and my deep depression went away, at least for a while.
Then it came back and hit hard. I found myself not giving a damn anymore about my promising military career. I started eating to help with the emotional pain which lead to obesity. Fatties aren't allowed in the military as per the physical fitness biannual exam. After failing three exams in my first enlistment I was kicked out.
Homeless and broke, depression and suicidal thoughts started coming back. Then the "fuck it all" attitude kicked in and I decided to go for it. I'm going to transition and fuck everyone who thinks I'm mentally sick or deranged. Fuck religion for making me feel like garbage. Fuck my parents for all the hurt they dished out. Fuck school, even though I finished it years ago. I'm going for it.
That was about seven months ago. Since then everything is looking up. Everything is brighter and better. Sure shit still happens, but things are constantly improving so it's not so bad. Suicidal thoughts are no longer a strong reality, they're distant memories. Depression is all but gone now. I'm genuinely feeling happy and optimistic about the future. Coming out to everyone and having positive reactions to the news has also been a relief. A huge emotional burden has been lifted.
I'm 4 months into HRT and I'm going strong.
So yesterday was the official four month mark on HRT. Lots of mistakes on dosage and stuff. I'm pretty level now on 8mg Provera (estrogen) and 212mg of Spiro (I split a 25mg). This seems to be the magic dose that works for me, but I haven't gotten any bloodwork done yet on this. I will though either this weekend or next week. Definitely after payday when I will have money to get the bloodwork done.
My finances right now are, well... shit to be honest. My one credit card is maxed out and my bank account is negative $496 (the most negative it can go is $500). I'm scrounging through sofa cushions and drier leftovers looking for spare change. I've managed to find enough to get my gas tank up to half full which will last until payday. Maybe even enough to drive to the gym I've been neglecting.
I've "decided" to go on a starvation diet. When I say decided I really mean forced into it because I'm flat broke and have no money for food. Haven't had any for the past two weeks. So far I've been drinking a lot of water, chicken broth and occasionally munching on leftover Halloween candy. Results so far are surprisingly good (though I cannot recommend anyone trying it). I'm still full of energy, I'm not feeling tired or irritable, no aches and hunger pains, no dizziness or confusion, nothing that usually comes with starvation.
I am, however, losing weight which is awesome. I love getting up in the morning to weigh myself. I'm so very close to breaking down through the 170lb floor. I've really come a long way from the start which was like 210lb or 215lbs. I'm still looking to reach 140lb or lower, but this has been going well.
My arms have been getting very skinny, plus having them completely hairless makes them look youthful and feminine. Even the muscle mass on my hands is starting to come down. My legs are still super chunky like a mans legs, but that will get down too with time. I do have to say that when payday comes this Friday, I'm going out to buy the biggest Papa Johns pizza they offer. The Hawaiian BBQ Chicken and Bacon (no onions) pizza is fucking amazing. It's my happy food when I'm feeling really down which I am lately.
So... yeah, about that. Trigger warning from here on down.
*******************************************************
Bear with me as I've spent most of my life repressing memories of the past. It's just now all coming back to the surface as I confront instead of bury it.
After I came out to my mom, I've been reflecting on my childhood and it's left me very sad, some nights even outright crying my eyes out. I was considered a "problem child" when I was young. I was always getting into fights, even with kids up to twice my age and size. I was vicious because I just didn't care. I'm the one that usually got hurt the worst but I was always the one left standing in the end. I was full of rage and hate and self loathing.
I spent most of my life trying to be "normal" and failing at it. Trying to do what boys and men are supposed to do and act. I knew from age seven or eight that something was wrong. Terribly wrong. I knew that I wasn't who I was supposed to be. I had this weird foreign object between my legs that wasn't supposed to be there. I'm supposed to be a girl and I was not. I thought I was fucked up and broken but nobody else could see it. I felt so horrible at school, at church and at home.
School was unkind to kids who showed even a little feminine side. I was constantly bullied and called faggot, queer, fudge packer, butt pirate, and every other derogatory name imaginable. Of course, I fought back with fists and anger which just made things worse.
Church was even worse. Messages that were meant to inspire and teach morality did nothing of the sort for me. All I saw was hate and contempt aimed at me. It felt like everyone knew exactly who the bishop was referring to and giving instructions on how to treat me badly. I'm a sinner. I'm a disgusting homo. I'm an abomination in the eyes of God. I deserved death.
Home was bad as well. Mom and step dad never listened to anything I had to say. I tried telling them once that I'm wrong and am not actually a boy, but the conversation devolved into moms ramblings about Satan and [real dad] secretly conspiring together and plotting to "get" her somehow, some way. My mom and religion go together like alcohol to an alcoholic or fire to gasoline.
I felt completely alone. Bitter, angry, scared, confused, rejected, filthy, and condemned which no child should ever feel that way. But there it was. It didn't get any better after I was thrown out for good. Each day was misery. I had no ambition and no goals to achieve anything. My one and only goal was to survive the day and that was it.
I continued the charade of being "normal" and results were the same as always. One failed relationship with a woman after the next. Pretending to be interested in male hobbies (although paintball I was genuinely interested in). None of it was working but I kept on trying. Oh my God I tried so desperately hard.
There were many nights where I would cry myself to sleep praying. Asking God why am I broken like this? Please will you fix me? Please just kill me and let this nightmare be over. I don't want to go on like this anymore. Please let me just slip away in my sleep and not come back.
Alcoholism kicked in pretty hard as well as severe obsession with role playing video games. It was my only escape from that hell. Thoughts of suicide came more and more frequently. Eventually it came down to a coin toss. I know it sounds stupid but I quite literally reached the end. Heads, I'd go off and join the Navy and travel the world. Tails I'd overdose on sleeping pills and never wake up.
Fortunately it landed heads and I wound up in the Navy recruiters office the next day. I didn't care about living anymore which made signing the enlistment papers pretty easy. Even the recruiter was surprised by how unconcerned I was about putting my life aside to join the military.
Bootcamped happened and it sucked. Submarine school happened and it was the best year and a half I can remember. Things were great and my deep depression went away, at least for a while.
Then it came back and hit hard. I found myself not giving a damn anymore about my promising military career. I started eating to help with the emotional pain which lead to obesity. Fatties aren't allowed in the military as per the physical fitness biannual exam. After failing three exams in my first enlistment I was kicked out.
Homeless and broke, depression and suicidal thoughts started coming back. Then the "fuck it all" attitude kicked in and I decided to go for it. I'm going to transition and fuck everyone who thinks I'm mentally sick or deranged. Fuck religion for making me feel like garbage. Fuck my parents for all the hurt they dished out. Fuck school, even though I finished it years ago. I'm going for it.
That was about seven months ago. Since then everything is looking up. Everything is brighter and better. Sure shit still happens, but things are constantly improving so it's not so bad. Suicidal thoughts are no longer a strong reality, they're distant memories. Depression is all but gone now. I'm genuinely feeling happy and optimistic about the future. Coming out to everyone and having positive reactions to the news has also been a relief. A huge emotional burden has been lifted.
I'm 4 months into HRT and I'm going strong.
Saturday, November 2, 2013
#018 - Came out to conservative family. Went surprisingly well (HRT Day 124)
Sunday, November 3, 2013
So I finally worked up the courage to tell my family. They're pretty much the last ones to know and I've been stressing out trying to think of a way to tell them without sparking a fight. So, here's the letter I sent them:
So I finally worked up the courage to tell my family. They're pretty much the last ones to know and I've been stressing out trying to think of a way to tell them without sparking a fight. So, here's the letter I sent them:
___________________________________
So yeah, I was wondering for a while how to write this. Pretty much everyone else in my life knows already is is supportive and cool about it. You guys are pretty much the only ones left who don't know, and to be honest it's getting kinda hard to keep it a secret.
Well, to rip the band-aid off in one go, I'm transgender. I've felt that way for a VERY long time but I didn't have anyone to talk to about it. I started seeing a therapist back in February for six months and have been on prescribed hormones for the past four months. I'm telling you now because I don't want to just show up for the holidays and have it be a surprise.
I've always felt alienated and hated whenever I went to church and boy scouts, which is mainly why I wanted out. Would you follow a religion that hates you down to your core? I couldn't and I left. I hated every minute being there. You have no idea how horribly christianity in general treats LGBT folks until you're on the receiving end of it.
I want to make it clear that this is not a cry for attention or help, this is not an act of "rebellion" or anything of the sort. I'm not out seeking approval. I'm simply letting everyone know that this is happening.
For me, coming out to myself and doing something about it has been amazing. I've gone through life so far bitter, angry, and completely lost. But now I feel whole and myself. I'm actually smiling for real now instead of just faking it for social situations. I feel genuinely happy for once.
You've probably got a LOT of questions about it which is ok. I'm really not comfortable talking about on the phone yet. Partially because I hate talking on that cheap flip phone and partially because it's a difficult thing to talk about.
___________________________________
I wanted to force the conversation away from phone call to text an emails. It's a lot more difficult to say awful things you don't mean when it's written. But anyways, here's my moms response:
___________________________________
Hi sweetie
First and foremost, I am not upset and I am not "freaking-out". I still love you. That kid next door ([male name]) is also transgender. I thought a girl had moved in next door until Dad told me it was [male name] (don't know what his name is now - kind of hard to come out and ask his mom).
Are you planning on having surgery to become a woman? (I would think it would be pretty expensive - don't think that insurance would cover it). My main concern is how to explain this sort of thing to others (seriously - what do you say???). I am not ashamed and I am not embarrassed - it's just that this is uncharted territory (so to speak).
Anyways, as far as I am concerned, this is your choice and I am OK with it. Did you want to be the one to tell [brother]? (or does he already know?). How about [sister]?
It's getting late and I am an old lady ;-) Take care, sweetie and drop a line when you get a chance.
Love,
Mom
___________________________________
It went a lot better than what I imagined. But to be fair, I was expecting the worst. I let my mom tell everyone else because, honestly she loves to gossip. Anyways, Sister #1 already knows and she's been helpful and understanding about it. News spreads fast and I received this communication from Sister #2:
Sister #2: Hey Jojo, mom told me the news and I just wanted to let you know like mom and dad that I'm not judging you at all and still love you just the same. I know this is probably a really hard thing to tell people about but I just wanted to shoot you a quick email and let you know that we're here.
Me: Thanks. I've already been on this prescription for quite a while now.
Me: Also, throw out any stereotypes you may have seen on TV. The vast majority of people who've gone through this are completely indistinguishable in public. If you didn't already know, you would've never known.
Sister #2: Ok. Are you going to get the full out surgery?
Me: Yeah. But that's not going to happen for a while. Prescription takes a good one to two years first. I've already lost a LOT of muscle mass. I'm all skinny like a twig now lol.
Me: Shoe size shrank too. Went from a size 12 shoe to a size 9, and I think I should've gotten a size 8 because 9 still seems a bit loose.
Sister #2: Oh wow, ok. So this is probably a dumb question and I don't mean to come off as insensitive or anything, but do you like men or women?
Me: Nah it's cool. Questions are fine. I've always been far more attracted to men than women. I've just had to fake it all these years so people would think I'm "normal".
Sister #2: So how long have you known that something was different?
Me: Oh gosh, since like seven or eight. I just didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Mom wasn't exactly the listening type back then.
Sister #2: Was it really scary to tell mom about it?
Me: Well, a lot less scary now that I'm 1,500 miles away and not dependant.
Sister #2: Haha, true. Are you going to change your name?
Me: Kinda have to. [my real name] isn't exactly an appropriate name.
Me: But again, that isn't for a while.
Sister #2: So for now are you ok with us calling you [my real name]?
Me: Oh yeah, that's fine. Don't worry about offending. Thick skin and all. Well... not literally anymore lol.
Sister #2: Do you kind of talk in a higher tone of voice now?
Me: You know? I'm not sure. I haven't noticed it personally but others have told me it sounds "different".
Me: My female roommate who is a flight attendant says everytime she comes home from a long couple of weeks away, I sound a little higher and "refined".
Sister #2: Haha yeah
Sister #2: I'm about to go crash and take a nap, but yeah, just know none of us are disowning you or anything.
Me: That's cool.
Me: Btw Sister #1 has known for quite some time now. She keeps asking for every little detail lol
Sister #2: Oh yeah I was talking to her today about it. Is she feeling like she's going to do something like this?
Me: She said she looked into it but I don't think so.
Sister #2: Alright. Well thanks for talking about it. Ttyl!
____________________________________
And that was the end of the conversation. I really didn't want to bog everyone down with unnecessary details and stuff. I just let them know that everything changes including shoe size and voice. My shoe size really did go down but I think that was entirely because of the loss of muscle mass. My voice I've been working on but it's been slow and difficult to find alone time to practice.
About half an hour after that conversation, my dad sends me an email:
____________________________________
Hi [my real name], no worries here,
Your mom forwarded your email to me. I hope your ok with me writing to you.
I will always consider you as part of my family. You are always welcome home.
In no way would I ever not love you and can in no way know what you are going through and have been through.
I know I'm not your blood dad but as far as I'm concerned you are a son/ to me. I may not understand everything but
I decided a while back that it is not my place to judge any human being. We are all here together. I formerly resigned from the church but don't question any one's faith or right to believe what they believe, I only question my own faith.
I have known and been friends with many people over the years especially at work here in Austin who are either lesbian, gay, transgender, doesn't make a difference to me.
Life is an eventful journey and is too short to be angry and judgmental or hateful towards others, I just can't do it.
Hope your ok and everybody treats you like a human being there and you're safe.
I wish you only happiness and want you to know that with all my heart.
So when you can make it, come home for the holidays or any time.
Love, Dad
_____________________________________
And that was it for the day. I'm adding the rest of the responses in as time goes by but a few days have past since I started this blog entry and nobody else has contacted me. Mom has either not told everyone or everyone else doesn't want to contact me about it. Whatever I guess.
Sister #2: Hey Jojo, mom told me the news and I just wanted to let you know like mom and dad that I'm not judging you at all and still love you just the same. I know this is probably a really hard thing to tell people about but I just wanted to shoot you a quick email and let you know that we're here.
Me: Thanks. I've already been on this prescription for quite a while now.
Me: Also, throw out any stereotypes you may have seen on TV. The vast majority of people who've gone through this are completely indistinguishable in public. If you didn't already know, you would've never known.
Sister #2: Ok. Are you going to get the full out surgery?
Me: Yeah. But that's not going to happen for a while. Prescription takes a good one to two years first. I've already lost a LOT of muscle mass. I'm all skinny like a twig now lol.
Me: Shoe size shrank too. Went from a size 12 shoe to a size 9, and I think I should've gotten a size 8 because 9 still seems a bit loose.
Sister #2: Oh wow, ok. So this is probably a dumb question and I don't mean to come off as insensitive or anything, but do you like men or women?
Me: Nah it's cool. Questions are fine. I've always been far more attracted to men than women. I've just had to fake it all these years so people would think I'm "normal".
Sister #2: So how long have you known that something was different?
Me: Oh gosh, since like seven or eight. I just didn't have anyone to talk to about it. Mom wasn't exactly the listening type back then.
Sister #2: Was it really scary to tell mom about it?
Me: Well, a lot less scary now that I'm 1,500 miles away and not dependant.
Sister #2: Haha, true. Are you going to change your name?
Me: Kinda have to. [my real name] isn't exactly an appropriate name.
Me: But again, that isn't for a while.
Sister #2: So for now are you ok with us calling you [my real name]?
Me: Oh yeah, that's fine. Don't worry about offending. Thick skin and all. Well... not literally anymore lol.
Sister #2: Do you kind of talk in a higher tone of voice now?
Me: You know? I'm not sure. I haven't noticed it personally but others have told me it sounds "different".
Me: My female roommate who is a flight attendant says everytime she comes home from a long couple of weeks away, I sound a little higher and "refined".
Sister #2: Haha yeah
Sister #2: I'm about to go crash and take a nap, but yeah, just know none of us are disowning you or anything.
Me: That's cool.
Me: Btw Sister #1 has known for quite some time now. She keeps asking for every little detail lol
Sister #2: Oh yeah I was talking to her today about it. Is she feeling like she's going to do something like this?
Me: She said she looked into it but I don't think so.
Sister #2: Alright. Well thanks for talking about it. Ttyl!
____________________________________
And that was the end of the conversation. I really didn't want to bog everyone down with unnecessary details and stuff. I just let them know that everything changes including shoe size and voice. My shoe size really did go down but I think that was entirely because of the loss of muscle mass. My voice I've been working on but it's been slow and difficult to find alone time to practice.
About half an hour after that conversation, my dad sends me an email:
____________________________________
Hi [my real name], no worries here,
Your mom forwarded your email to me. I hope your ok with me writing to you.
I will always consider you as part of my family. You are always welcome home.
In no way would I ever not love you and can in no way know what you are going through and have been through.
I know I'm not your blood dad but as far as I'm concerned you are a son/ to me. I may not understand everything but
I decided a while back that it is not my place to judge any human being. We are all here together. I formerly resigned from the church but don't question any one's faith or right to believe what they believe, I only question my own faith.
I have known and been friends with many people over the years especially at work here in Austin who are either lesbian, gay, transgender, doesn't make a difference to me.
Life is an eventful journey and is too short to be angry and judgmental or hateful towards others, I just can't do it.
Hope your ok and everybody treats you like a human being there and you're safe.
I wish you only happiness and want you to know that with all my heart.
So when you can make it, come home for the holidays or any time.
Love, Dad
_____________________________________
And that was it for the day. I'm adding the rest of the responses in as time goes by but a few days have past since I started this blog entry and nobody else has contacted me. Mom has either not told everyone or everyone else doesn't want to contact me about it. Whatever I guess.
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
#017 - Disrespectful health insurance rep, smartphone plan cut and looking for second job (HRT Day 119))
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
So again its been a while since I last posted. And, like always, I'm writing this as I'm about to go to bed. But whatever.
I recently had to delve into the health insurance world and it got nasty. My job is switching from company ran healthcare to a third party insurance called Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. They have a prepresentative specifically assigned to our company and all of our employees. I thought she would be perfect to ask if Anthem covers HRT and SRS.
She was less than kind and respectful. Snapped at me a lot and eventually said "OK, you're pulling my leg. Don't ever call back."
So I then had to talk to our companies Human Resources rep. That was an awkward conversation but at least she tried to be civil and mature about it. She didn't know anything about transgender people or the medical needs associated. Honestly I'm just happy she didn't ridicule or toss me out of the office.
Anyways, she went and spoke to the Anthem rep on my behalf to get some answers. What she came back with sank my heart in despair. She said Anthem will NOT cover SRS for any reason and will NOT cover HRT, despite the fact that the very medications I'm taking now through DIY are listed as covered per Anthems own booklet.
Our HR rep apologized and said she feels like she let me down. Sadly there was nothing else she could do except recommend I check out Healthcare.gov and hope for the best.
My heart sank so low that afternoon. I tried to maintain composure for the rest of my shift which was difficult. When I got to my car I was in absolute tears from the sharp rejection. I collapsed onto the couch at home just bawling in a curled up ball, pulling tightly closed the drawstring on my hoodie.
I felt so horrible that those old thoughts of suicide came rushing back. Haven't had those since I came out to myself. Thankfully I've never put forth any effort into attempts.
Never in my life did I feel so low and rejected as I did that day. Eventually my roommate pulled into the driveway and I ran upstairs to my room before he came in.
At least I can now say for sure that the HRT meds have indeed changed my emotional state and sensitivity. Just wish I could've discovered that under better circumstances.
But there's a silver lining on this dark cloud. Bless our HR rep, she went the extra mile to bypass that Anthem bigot to find answers and indeed she did.
Quite to the contrary of that Anthem rep, they do indeed cover HRT and SRS but only if a doctor says that indeed they are medically necessary. Now to find a trans friendly doctor in this conservative state.
Aside from all that, I'm struggling to stay afloat financially. I'm missing payments and paying things late far too often. My credit card is maxed out, my debit card is in the red, I barely have a quarter tank of gas left to last the week, and this next paycheck is going straight to rent. Its come down to scrounging sofas and driers for spare change.
I guess this is as good a time as any to intentionally starve for a week or two. I've been meaning to do that in a last act of desperation to lose muscle and fat. Diet and exercise is just not doing it. I'm going to be skyping home this Christmas instead of physically traveling all the way to Texas and back. I want to look good for the camera. Have my laser treatments finished up by then, have my eyebrows neat looking, have my ears pierced and with silver studs in them, and have my hair in a feminine looking style.
The only people who don't know I'm trans yet is my family who live 1500 miles away. I want to at least look the part when I'm on camera. If they ask it would be a great time to say. If they're too dense to notice then oh well. I'll bring it up after one full year on HRT.
I've recently started cutting expenses. No more eBay splurging. I cut off my smartphone in favor of a cheap Walmart flip phone. My smartphone bill was $135 per month whereas the flip phone is $50 per month for unlimited everything. There are even cheaper monthly plans which I may downgrade to. I'm saving almost $1200 per year by doing this. The only down side is that I'm going through internet withdraw symptoms. No longer can I check Facebook and reddit on lunch and breaks. I have to find a Wi-Fi hotspot to do that now.
I'm also looking into getting a second job. I absolutely want that voice feminization surgery and I'm hellbent on getting it. Maybe even FFS as well if I think I need it later down the road. But the voice thing for sure. I'll end up working 60 to 80 hours per week, but after six months of that or so, I'll be able to afford it and then some.
Anyways, I'm losing sleep and I'm typing all of this on a tablet. Time to call it a night.
So again its been a while since I last posted. And, like always, I'm writing this as I'm about to go to bed. But whatever.
I recently had to delve into the health insurance world and it got nasty. My job is switching from company ran healthcare to a third party insurance called Anthem Blue Cross Blue Shield. They have a prepresentative specifically assigned to our company and all of our employees. I thought she would be perfect to ask if Anthem covers HRT and SRS.
She was less than kind and respectful. Snapped at me a lot and eventually said "OK, you're pulling my leg. Don't ever call back."
So I then had to talk to our companies Human Resources rep. That was an awkward conversation but at least she tried to be civil and mature about it. She didn't know anything about transgender people or the medical needs associated. Honestly I'm just happy she didn't ridicule or toss me out of the office.
Anyways, she went and spoke to the Anthem rep on my behalf to get some answers. What she came back with sank my heart in despair. She said Anthem will NOT cover SRS for any reason and will NOT cover HRT, despite the fact that the very medications I'm taking now through DIY are listed as covered per Anthems own booklet.
Our HR rep apologized and said she feels like she let me down. Sadly there was nothing else she could do except recommend I check out Healthcare.gov and hope for the best.
My heart sank so low that afternoon. I tried to maintain composure for the rest of my shift which was difficult. When I got to my car I was in absolute tears from the sharp rejection. I collapsed onto the couch at home just bawling in a curled up ball, pulling tightly closed the drawstring on my hoodie.
I felt so horrible that those old thoughts of suicide came rushing back. Haven't had those since I came out to myself. Thankfully I've never put forth any effort into attempts.
Never in my life did I feel so low and rejected as I did that day. Eventually my roommate pulled into the driveway and I ran upstairs to my room before he came in.
At least I can now say for sure that the HRT meds have indeed changed my emotional state and sensitivity. Just wish I could've discovered that under better circumstances.
But there's a silver lining on this dark cloud. Bless our HR rep, she went the extra mile to bypass that Anthem bigot to find answers and indeed she did.
Quite to the contrary of that Anthem rep, they do indeed cover HRT and SRS but only if a doctor says that indeed they are medically necessary. Now to find a trans friendly doctor in this conservative state.
Aside from all that, I'm struggling to stay afloat financially. I'm missing payments and paying things late far too often. My credit card is maxed out, my debit card is in the red, I barely have a quarter tank of gas left to last the week, and this next paycheck is going straight to rent. Its come down to scrounging sofas and driers for spare change.
I guess this is as good a time as any to intentionally starve for a week or two. I've been meaning to do that in a last act of desperation to lose muscle and fat. Diet and exercise is just not doing it. I'm going to be skyping home this Christmas instead of physically traveling all the way to Texas and back. I want to look good for the camera. Have my laser treatments finished up by then, have my eyebrows neat looking, have my ears pierced and with silver studs in them, and have my hair in a feminine looking style.
The only people who don't know I'm trans yet is my family who live 1500 miles away. I want to at least look the part when I'm on camera. If they ask it would be a great time to say. If they're too dense to notice then oh well. I'll bring it up after one full year on HRT.
I've recently started cutting expenses. No more eBay splurging. I cut off my smartphone in favor of a cheap Walmart flip phone. My smartphone bill was $135 per month whereas the flip phone is $50 per month for unlimited everything. There are even cheaper monthly plans which I may downgrade to. I'm saving almost $1200 per year by doing this. The only down side is that I'm going through internet withdraw symptoms. No longer can I check Facebook and reddit on lunch and breaks. I have to find a Wi-Fi hotspot to do that now.
I'm also looking into getting a second job. I absolutely want that voice feminization surgery and I'm hellbent on getting it. Maybe even FFS as well if I think I need it later down the road. But the voice thing for sure. I'll end up working 60 to 80 hours per week, but after six months of that or so, I'll be able to afford it and then some.
Anyways, I'm losing sleep and I'm typing all of this on a tablet. Time to call it a night.
Thursday, October 3, 2013
#016 - Gun range fail, learning patience, discovery of voice surgery, and summary of changes (HRT Day 93)
Thursday, October 03, 2013
So tomorrow marks the three month mark of HRT. I find myself getting impatient with the whole process. Am I a girl yet? Just have to remember to be patient I guess. I've been watching a few of my favorite transgender YouTube channels. One was with violet4151. Her latest video (latest at the time of this entry) is all about learning to be patient and enjoy the transition process. She also shared a little about how she was also impatient with the time it takes. I found that thought a bit comforting. I've been making stupid (but harmless) mistakes in my transition because I'm getting impatient. I'm on a steady regiment of hormones and I should just keep it that way for the next year or so.
Anyways, right after my previous entry, I went to a pawn shop and bought a gun. It's a SAR B6P Compact 9mm and I like it. It was one of the key items that was missing from my entire survival preparation inventory:
I took it out to the range with a hundred target rounds:
Kinda sucked yeah I know. I'm a terrible shot as you can see in the picture. My shots kept drifting downward and I think it's because I'm jerking the trigger instead of squeezing. The range itself was fairly intimidating as the place was full of rednecks and ultra conservative looking types. I kept receiving strange glares from others and I felt super awkward just being there, but I did my business and left without incident.
You wouldn't believe how many rules and regulations this range has. It all revolves around safety and not accidentally discharging your gun.
I'll probably pick up a few more target rounds and practice some more next month or so. Can't practice as much as I'd like, it's rather expensive.
Speaking of expenses, I saw an interesting thread in the /r/asktransgender where a user posted her results of before and after voice surgery. The change is absolutely amazing and the best part is that it's almost completely risk free. The surgeon just goes in down the throat and synches together about a third of the vocal cords. Smaller opening means higher pitch. Higher pitch sounds more feminine. The change is advertised to be around an average of a 75 Hr z increase. The surgeon can increase that further but he is concerned that it may sound too high and unnatural.
I want this. Of all the surgeries on my to-get list, this one just shot up to number one. Maybe even higher than a trachea shave. I could probably get both at the same time from the same surgeon. The price tag is unfortunately high. $7,500 just for the operation. Factor in the cost of a plane ticket to Seol, S. Korea and lodging/food for ten days and it'll bring up the cost to around $11,000. Tack on whatever the cost is for the trachea shave as well. Yikes.
Recovery time from what I understand is relatively quick and results are just as fast. The ten days after the surgery, the patient is not supposed to use their voice at all. After the surgeon checks it out on the tenth day, you're sent on your merry way home with instruction to go easy on the voice for one to two months before fully speaking/singing/shouting.
I want this, but as soon as I get home, it will become immediately obvious to anyone who hears me. I leave one day sounding like a guy and come back ten days later sounding like a girl. Fortunately by the time I'm able to afford this, I think I'll be good on the appearance passing part. Still though, the cost is going to hurt and I'm going to have to really tighten up my budget, maybe take up a part time job to help.
I'm still paying for DIY hormones out of pocket which costs anywhere from $100 to $150 per month and I don't make all that much. There's wiggle room in the budget but it will take a serious financial commitment to reach this.
Anyways, for my three month mark here's what's gone down so far:
1) Physical changes have been for the most part unnoticeable. Breasts are starting to grow which I noticed a couple of weeks ago. It's definitely not imagined or anything. They ache and itch all the time but thankfully not to any serious uncomfortable degree. Touching them feels like a sore old bruise. There's now definitely noticeable mass and bounce now. I've started looking into sports bras and camisoles that aren't visually obvious under my shirt.
2) Skin has become noticeably thinner? I'm not sure that thinner is the right word. I work in a machine shop which means I get minor little scrapes and bruises all the time. They never bothered me before but now every little bump scrape and bruise hurts more than usual.
3) Muscle mass has gone down somewhat. Not a lot or even a moderate amount, but noticeably. I think so, but it's probably the continuing fat weight loss. I'm so close to breaking down through the 180 lbs barrier. Resisting junk food has become very difficult.
4) Dysphoria has now started kicking in at, of all places, the break room at work. At lunch and during breaks, the TV is blasting out Fox News hate at full volume. The break room is full of people nodding along like some kind of fucked up church. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to breath in that room with all that going on.
I actually left my lunch on the table and walked out when Fox was putting a negative spin on transgender people and a coworker blurted out "If I evah see one of dem faggots near me, I fuckin stab em!". This followed by another coworker saying "aint that the truth" with additional coworkers doing the head nodding and occasional "amens" from somewhere.
Fox News at that time was doing its worst to portray transgender people as ugly, nasty, sleazy and perverted as possible while this went on. In truth I don't think that coworker would actually stab someone, and I highly doubt he's ever even met a trans person.
5) Emotions haven't really seemed to be affected all that much. Maybe it has yet to kick in or maybe I've always had the emotions of a female and never knew otherwise. They do swell up and down from time to time, but nowhere close to what I would consider out of control in any way. I still have a firm lid on it, so to speak. Who knows though, that may change later.
6) My high degree of tiredness when I first started HRT is almost completely gone. I'm at 8mg of E and 212mg of Spiro ATM (I split a 25mg pill which is where the 12 comes from). It seems to be the right balance for me. I still need to go get blood work done again, but for the time being, hormones feel like they've settled and leveled out in a good place.
7) Sexual drive is barely there anymore. I'll think about sex maybe once a week and only for a fleeting moment or two. Even then, it doesn't really catch my interest anymore. I'm sure that sounds absolutely horrifying to someone else, but honestly I don't mind or even miss it. I have a feeling of calm and content that I actually really like.
8) Speaking of which, my mood for the most part is quite calm and content. Stuff that agrivates the hell out of coworkers doesn't phase me much. I'm not walking around in a stupor or anything, it's just that these sorts of problems that arise in the workplace just don't seem all that worthy of getting all worked up over. Which is great because one of my coworkers casually undid several weeks worth of work that half a dozen of us put in. I was initially charging up into WTF! mode, but then shrugged and moved on.
9) Taste in music has changed. I used to be into classic rock and modern rock, AC/DC and Metallica. Music that pumped you up and all. Now my interest in music has drifted into more light hearted stuff like Katy Perry and Bruno Mars.
10) Cravings for salty foods went up noticeably. I'm told that's a side effect of spiro.
11) Internal thoughts have started going all over the place. I find it hard to daydream and hard to focus on just one main thought. There's all these other side related thoughts racing around now which is very distracting.
12) Desire to play video games has dropped off dramatically. It's probably related to number 11 I imagine. Video games just don't hold my interest like they used to. Violent and/or aggressive video games much less so. When I do have an interest in gaming, it's usually for slow paced puzzle games.
Well that should about do it. This was an unusually long entry and it's already 10:30pm. Should've gone to bed half an hour ago like I always try to do.
So tomorrow marks the three month mark of HRT. I find myself getting impatient with the whole process. Am I a girl yet? Just have to remember to be patient I guess. I've been watching a few of my favorite transgender YouTube channels. One was with violet4151. Her latest video (latest at the time of this entry) is all about learning to be patient and enjoy the transition process. She also shared a little about how she was also impatient with the time it takes. I found that thought a bit comforting. I've been making stupid (but harmless) mistakes in my transition because I'm getting impatient. I'm on a steady regiment of hormones and I should just keep it that way for the next year or so.
Anyways, right after my previous entry, I went to a pawn shop and bought a gun. It's a SAR B6P Compact 9mm and I like it. It was one of the key items that was missing from my entire survival preparation inventory:
(sorry, I couldn't get the picture to rotate correctly)
I took it out to the range with a hundred target rounds:
(at least I had the gun pointed in the correct general direction)
Kinda sucked yeah I know. I'm a terrible shot as you can see in the picture. My shots kept drifting downward and I think it's because I'm jerking the trigger instead of squeezing. The range itself was fairly intimidating as the place was full of rednecks and ultra conservative looking types. I kept receiving strange glares from others and I felt super awkward just being there, but I did my business and left without incident.
You wouldn't believe how many rules and regulations this range has. It all revolves around safety and not accidentally discharging your gun.
I'll probably pick up a few more target rounds and practice some more next month or so. Can't practice as much as I'd like, it's rather expensive.
Speaking of expenses, I saw an interesting thread in the /r/asktransgender where a user posted her results of before and after voice surgery. The change is absolutely amazing and the best part is that it's almost completely risk free. The surgeon just goes in down the throat and synches together about a third of the vocal cords. Smaller opening means higher pitch. Higher pitch sounds more feminine. The change is advertised to be around an average of a 75 Hr z increase. The surgeon can increase that further but he is concerned that it may sound too high and unnatural.
I want this. Of all the surgeries on my to-get list, this one just shot up to number one. Maybe even higher than a trachea shave. I could probably get both at the same time from the same surgeon. The price tag is unfortunately high. $7,500 just for the operation. Factor in the cost of a plane ticket to Seol, S. Korea and lodging/food for ten days and it'll bring up the cost to around $11,000. Tack on whatever the cost is for the trachea shave as well. Yikes.
Recovery time from what I understand is relatively quick and results are just as fast. The ten days after the surgery, the patient is not supposed to use their voice at all. After the surgeon checks it out on the tenth day, you're sent on your merry way home with instruction to go easy on the voice for one to two months before fully speaking/singing/shouting.
I want this, but as soon as I get home, it will become immediately obvious to anyone who hears me. I leave one day sounding like a guy and come back ten days later sounding like a girl. Fortunately by the time I'm able to afford this, I think I'll be good on the appearance passing part. Still though, the cost is going to hurt and I'm going to have to really tighten up my budget, maybe take up a part time job to help.
I'm still paying for DIY hormones out of pocket which costs anywhere from $100 to $150 per month and I don't make all that much. There's wiggle room in the budget but it will take a serious financial commitment to reach this.
Anyways, for my three month mark here's what's gone down so far:
1) Physical changes have been for the most part unnoticeable. Breasts are starting to grow which I noticed a couple of weeks ago. It's definitely not imagined or anything. They ache and itch all the time but thankfully not to any serious uncomfortable degree. Touching them feels like a sore old bruise. There's now definitely noticeable mass and bounce now. I've started looking into sports bras and camisoles that aren't visually obvious under my shirt.
2) Skin has become noticeably thinner? I'm not sure that thinner is the right word. I work in a machine shop which means I get minor little scrapes and bruises all the time. They never bothered me before but now every little bump scrape and bruise hurts more than usual.
3) Muscle mass has gone down somewhat. Not a lot or even a moderate amount, but noticeably. I think so, but it's probably the continuing fat weight loss. I'm so close to breaking down through the 180 lbs barrier. Resisting junk food has become very difficult.
4) Dysphoria has now started kicking in at, of all places, the break room at work. At lunch and during breaks, the TV is blasting out Fox News hate at full volume. The break room is full of people nodding along like some kind of fucked up church. I feel incredibly uncomfortable and difficult to breath in that room with all that going on.
I actually left my lunch on the table and walked out when Fox was putting a negative spin on transgender people and a coworker blurted out "If I evah see one of dem faggots near me, I fuckin stab em!". This followed by another coworker saying "aint that the truth" with additional coworkers doing the head nodding and occasional "amens" from somewhere.
Fox News at that time was doing its worst to portray transgender people as ugly, nasty, sleazy and perverted as possible while this went on. In truth I don't think that coworker would actually stab someone, and I highly doubt he's ever even met a trans person.
5) Emotions haven't really seemed to be affected all that much. Maybe it has yet to kick in or maybe I've always had the emotions of a female and never knew otherwise. They do swell up and down from time to time, but nowhere close to what I would consider out of control in any way. I still have a firm lid on it, so to speak. Who knows though, that may change later.
6) My high degree of tiredness when I first started HRT is almost completely gone. I'm at 8mg of E and 212mg of Spiro ATM (I split a 25mg pill which is where the 12 comes from). It seems to be the right balance for me. I still need to go get blood work done again, but for the time being, hormones feel like they've settled and leveled out in a good place.
7) Sexual drive is barely there anymore. I'll think about sex maybe once a week and only for a fleeting moment or two. Even then, it doesn't really catch my interest anymore. I'm sure that sounds absolutely horrifying to someone else, but honestly I don't mind or even miss it. I have a feeling of calm and content that I actually really like.
8) Speaking of which, my mood for the most part is quite calm and content. Stuff that agrivates the hell out of coworkers doesn't phase me much. I'm not walking around in a stupor or anything, it's just that these sorts of problems that arise in the workplace just don't seem all that worthy of getting all worked up over. Which is great because one of my coworkers casually undid several weeks worth of work that half a dozen of us put in. I was initially charging up into WTF! mode, but then shrugged and moved on.
9) Taste in music has changed. I used to be into classic rock and modern rock, AC/DC and Metallica. Music that pumped you up and all. Now my interest in music has drifted into more light hearted stuff like Katy Perry and Bruno Mars.
10) Cravings for salty foods went up noticeably. I'm told that's a side effect of spiro.
11) Internal thoughts have started going all over the place. I find it hard to daydream and hard to focus on just one main thought. There's all these other side related thoughts racing around now which is very distracting.
12) Desire to play video games has dropped off dramatically. It's probably related to number 11 I imagine. Video games just don't hold my interest like they used to. Violent and/or aggressive video games much less so. When I do have an interest in gaming, it's usually for slow paced puzzle games.
Well that should about do it. This was an unusually long entry and it's already 10:30pm. Should've gone to bed half an hour ago like I always try to do.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
#015 - Bewbs! Back in online gaming and credit card stuffs (HRT Day 83)
Monday, September 23, 2013
BEWBS!!!!
lol, but to knock out more serious stuff first. I recently started up a new EvE Online account with a new character of the same name, Jojo Rumbles. I already have two other accounts of which are quite old characters. But it's fun playing as a newbie again. Everything seems fresh this time around. Plus I'm flying with an alliance called Brave Newbies Inc which has been a blast. I haven't had this much fun in a very long time in EvE.
Since this blog and my character have the same name, it's inevitable that someone ingame will find this blog, and will no doubt have questions. I really only intended for this to be one way. Others who are curious or have questions about the transition process can find me ingame if they want. Preferably not the other way around with EvE players finding the blog.
But if that's the case and you're here, please understand that this blog is meant to help others who are going through the transition process. It's not meant for fellow EvE players. You can read it if you really want but fair warning, it does get weird graphic and awkward for both the reader and the writer. You've been warned (and for EvE players thinking of blackmail, as EvE players are want to do, don't bother. I'm an open book).
That being said, most of my doubt as to whether the E is working is gone. I'm about 80% sure it's working now because I'm getting constant soreness in my chest. Normally that only happens when I wear a new shirt and/or am pouring sweat. Not the case anymore. There's definitely soreness and increased sensitivity there. Yay boobs, but it's also a bit annoying. Every bump, scratch and touch hurts a little. Not painful but more like an old bruise that hasn't gone away. There's also definite mass there too. My upper arms keep bumping them all day and there's a bit more bounce going on. I'm told it'll get worse and better at the same time.
I'm coming up on the three month mark which is great. Time is passing so very slow that it's starting to drive me nuts. HRT is magic as I'm told, but it sucks for the impatient (that would be me). My diet isn't going very well. Lately I've been having intense cravings for salty and sweet junk foods. Even with going to the gym every other day, weight loss has come to a standstill and I blame my poor willpower to resist tasty temptations. I'm giving serious considerations again to starvation for a week or two. I haven't mostly because I have food in the fridge that will go bad by then.
I finally got my credit union credit card in the mail today. Comes with a thousand dollar spending limit and the interest rates are low. Temptation to go buck wild and spend on stupid shit is there, but I know better. Mistakes were made with credit cards when I first moved out of my parents house. Mostly out of necessity for not living under a bridge and putting food on the table, but I've learned from those mistakes. Besides, I intend to use this card for emergencies and for electrolysis which I hope to start either this Friday or next.
I'm also considering taking a train down to Austin this Christmas. I haven't been home in almost three years. The price tag is a bit steep. $750 for a round trip plane ticket.
BEWBS!!!!
lol, but to knock out more serious stuff first. I recently started up a new EvE Online account with a new character of the same name, Jojo Rumbles. I already have two other accounts of which are quite old characters. But it's fun playing as a newbie again. Everything seems fresh this time around. Plus I'm flying with an alliance called Brave Newbies Inc which has been a blast. I haven't had this much fun in a very long time in EvE.
Since this blog and my character have the same name, it's inevitable that someone ingame will find this blog, and will no doubt have questions. I really only intended for this to be one way. Others who are curious or have questions about the transition process can find me ingame if they want. Preferably not the other way around with EvE players finding the blog.
But if that's the case and you're here, please understand that this blog is meant to help others who are going through the transition process. It's not meant for fellow EvE players. You can read it if you really want but fair warning, it does get weird graphic and awkward for both the reader and the writer. You've been warned (and for EvE players thinking of blackmail, as EvE players are want to do, don't bother. I'm an open book).
That being said, most of my doubt as to whether the E is working is gone. I'm about 80% sure it's working now because I'm getting constant soreness in my chest. Normally that only happens when I wear a new shirt and/or am pouring sweat. Not the case anymore. There's definitely soreness and increased sensitivity there. Yay boobs, but it's also a bit annoying. Every bump, scratch and touch hurts a little. Not painful but more like an old bruise that hasn't gone away. There's also definite mass there too. My upper arms keep bumping them all day and there's a bit more bounce going on. I'm told it'll get worse and better at the same time.
I'm coming up on the three month mark which is great. Time is passing so very slow that it's starting to drive me nuts. HRT is magic as I'm told, but it sucks for the impatient (that would be me). My diet isn't going very well. Lately I've been having intense cravings for salty and sweet junk foods. Even with going to the gym every other day, weight loss has come to a standstill and I blame my poor willpower to resist tasty temptations. I'm giving serious considerations again to starvation for a week or two. I haven't mostly because I have food in the fridge that will go bad by then.
I finally got my credit union credit card in the mail today. Comes with a thousand dollar spending limit and the interest rates are low. Temptation to go buck wild and spend on stupid shit is there, but I know better. Mistakes were made with credit cards when I first moved out of my parents house. Mostly out of necessity for not living under a bridge and putting food on the table, but I've learned from those mistakes. Besides, I intend to use this card for emergencies and for electrolysis which I hope to start either this Friday or next.
I'm also considering taking a train down to Austin this Christmas. I haven't been home in almost three years. The price tag is a bit steep. $750 for a round trip plane ticket.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
#014 - Came out to roommates, increased dosage and a pic I actually like (HRT day 67)
Saturday, September 7, 2013
So yesterday I finally came out to my roommates... sort of. I have two, one is a female 22 year old and the other is a male 40 something year old. I told the female roommate via text while I was at work. Had to work up the courage to text. My hands were shaking and I had butterflies in my stomach. Super nervous:
Me: Hey umm, I probably need to talk to you about something and it's difficult to come out and say. Not really sure how you and [male roommate] will react to it.
Her: What is it?
Me: I really don't want to freak anyone out. I've been seeing a therapist about transgender issues.
(long awkward silence)
Her: That doesn't freak me out at all! I don't understand it really like I said I'm from a small town but if that's who you are I'm cool with it doesn't change how I see you I still think your great guy!.
Me: I didn't want to say anything because it's nobody else's business, but physical changes are starting to get noticeable.
Me: Three different people this week called me out. "Bro no offense but you kinda look like a girl". Awkward.
Me: I dunno. Physical changes from my prescription are becoming more and more apparent. Figure I might as well say something now instead of it getting super awkward later.
Her: Sorry i was tanning lol. your right it isn't anybody's business but your and its up to you if you tell [male roommate] I won't say anything. I really don't think he will judge you tho he's pretty understanding
Me: Lol cool. I've still got at least another year before anything else changes. My sister won't stop blowing up my phone wanting to hear every little detail.
Her: Atleast the are supportive!
And that's the end of the text conversation with her. After work I went to the grocery store and stocked up on alcohol. I got home before anyone else did and got shit faced early in the day. It was ten after five, after all. She eventually came home with her boyfriend at about the same time the male roommate came home. We all exchanged small talk and all. I told her that after I sent that email I immediately wished I hadn't.
She gave me that pity look and said don't worry about it, don't feel embarrassed (that only made me feel worse). But from there the issue didn't come up again. She doesn't seem to be interested or have any questions. I think it's more like a "You do your thing and I'll do mine" deal.
I tried to tell male roommate but I don't think I got the message through. It's difficult to talk to him about anything. He constantly interrupts and he doesn't seem concerned about what anybody else has to say. I think he sometimes just waits for a pause in a conversation to start talking, sometimes not even waiting for that pause. He tells the same Navy stories over and over which are humorous, but often not related to anything being discussed. Plus he's always drunk and camping out on the living room sofa.
Anyways, I took a self picture with my phone today and was blown away by what I saw. I didn't realize how much has changed until I saw it. I actually look a LOT younger than 31. More like early 20's, maybe teenager. My face is starting to look feminine and youthful which is awesome. I posted that picture on Facebook for family to see (they don't know yet) and they too were taken aback by how young I look, plus how long my hair is getting. They haven't seen me in several years as they all live in Texas and I live in Virginia.
Not much else to add except I've readjusted my doses. I'm going back to 200mg of spiro because it's already so close to below 40. It's sitting at 41 at the time of the blood work results. Down from around 500ish. Taking anymore just seems a tad dangerous.
I did increase my E from 4mg a day to 8mg per day. My results from the test were very low. Sitting at 78 when it should be between 120 and 200. A double dose seemed appropriate but I'm worried that I may be overshooting the 200 mark. The increases don't exactly follow the rules of mathematics. 2 plus 2 doesn't always equal 4, metaphorically speaking, in regards to hormone level increases.
Interestingly enough, my facial hair after my E dose increased has slowed significantly. A clean shave now lasts almost the entire week instead of just 18 hours. Which reminds me that I'm planning on starting either laser or electrolysis soon. It's going to be difficult this month because I've already lost one day plus a couple of hours of pay. Holiday plus I left early the week before to get my blood work done.
If I've got any shot in starting this month, I'm going to have to really knuckle down on my budget. I've got to be a lot more frugal.
So yesterday I finally came out to my roommates... sort of. I have two, one is a female 22 year old and the other is a male 40 something year old. I told the female roommate via text while I was at work. Had to work up the courage to text. My hands were shaking and I had butterflies in my stomach. Super nervous:
Me: Hey umm, I probably need to talk to you about something and it's difficult to come out and say. Not really sure how you and [male roommate] will react to it.
Her: What is it?
Me: I really don't want to freak anyone out. I've been seeing a therapist about transgender issues.
(long awkward silence)
Her: That doesn't freak me out at all! I don't understand it really like I said I'm from a small town but if that's who you are I'm cool with it doesn't change how I see you I still think your great guy!.
Me: I didn't want to say anything because it's nobody else's business, but physical changes are starting to get noticeable.
Me: Three different people this week called me out. "Bro no offense but you kinda look like a girl". Awkward.
Me: I dunno. Physical changes from my prescription are becoming more and more apparent. Figure I might as well say something now instead of it getting super awkward later.
Her: Sorry i was tanning lol. your right it isn't anybody's business but your and its up to you if you tell [male roommate] I won't say anything. I really don't think he will judge you tho he's pretty understanding
Me: Lol cool. I've still got at least another year before anything else changes. My sister won't stop blowing up my phone wanting to hear every little detail.
Her: Atleast the are supportive!
And that's the end of the text conversation with her. After work I went to the grocery store and stocked up on alcohol. I got home before anyone else did and got shit faced early in the day. It was ten after five, after all. She eventually came home with her boyfriend at about the same time the male roommate came home. We all exchanged small talk and all. I told her that after I sent that email I immediately wished I hadn't.
She gave me that pity look and said don't worry about it, don't feel embarrassed (that only made me feel worse). But from there the issue didn't come up again. She doesn't seem to be interested or have any questions. I think it's more like a "You do your thing and I'll do mine" deal.
I tried to tell male roommate but I don't think I got the message through. It's difficult to talk to him about anything. He constantly interrupts and he doesn't seem concerned about what anybody else has to say. I think he sometimes just waits for a pause in a conversation to start talking, sometimes not even waiting for that pause. He tells the same Navy stories over and over which are humorous, but often not related to anything being discussed. Plus he's always drunk and camping out on the living room sofa.
Anyways, I took a self picture with my phone today and was blown away by what I saw. I didn't realize how much has changed until I saw it. I actually look a LOT younger than 31. More like early 20's, maybe teenager. My face is starting to look feminine and youthful which is awesome. I posted that picture on Facebook for family to see (they don't know yet) and they too were taken aback by how young I look, plus how long my hair is getting. They haven't seen me in several years as they all live in Texas and I live in Virginia.
(Pic of HRT Day 66)
Not much else to add except I've readjusted my doses. I'm going back to 200mg of spiro because it's already so close to below 40. It's sitting at 41 at the time of the blood work results. Down from around 500ish. Taking anymore just seems a tad dangerous.
I did increase my E from 4mg a day to 8mg per day. My results from the test were very low. Sitting at 78 when it should be between 120 and 200. A double dose seemed appropriate but I'm worried that I may be overshooting the 200 mark. The increases don't exactly follow the rules of mathematics. 2 plus 2 doesn't always equal 4, metaphorically speaking, in regards to hormone level increases.
Interestingly enough, my facial hair after my E dose increased has slowed significantly. A clean shave now lasts almost the entire week instead of just 18 hours. Which reminds me that I'm planning on starting either laser or electrolysis soon. It's going to be difficult this month because I've already lost one day plus a couple of hours of pay. Holiday plus I left early the week before to get my blood work done.
If I've got any shot in starting this month, I'm going to have to really knuckle down on my budget. I've got to be a lot more frugal.
#013 - Bloodwork results and looking into facial hair removal. (HRT day 58)
Thursday, August 29, 2013
So yesterday I went to get some blood work done for the first time. I prepaid online and all I had to do was show up with the paperwork and have blood drawn. Easy I guess. I walked in to the clinic nervous as hell. The test was for female hormone levels even though I clearly look and present as male. Thoughts on how I was going to explain myself kept racing through my head if they asked. I kept making small talk, thinking that maybe they'll get distracted enough not to care or something. I don't know.
To my great relief they didn't say anything about it. The test was in fact completely confidential and they didn't know what it was for. All they knew was I was there to have blood drawn and that I had prepaid online.
Anyways, here are my results:
RBC 4.44 (range 4.14-5.80 x10E6/uL)
Hemoglobin 13.7 (range 12.6-17.7 g/dL)
Hematocrit 40.4 (range 37.5-51.0 %)
MCV 91 (range 79-97 fL)
MCH 30.9 (range 26.6-33.0 pg)
MCHC 33.9 (range 31.5-35.7 g/dL)
RDW 13.1 (range 12.3-15.4 %)
Platelets 250 (range 140-415 x10E3/uL)
Neutrophils 66 (range 40-74 %)
Lymphs 27 (range 14-46 %)
Monocytes 6 (range 4-13 %)
Eos 1 (range 0-7 %)
Basos 0 (range 0-3 %)
Neutrophils (Absolute) 6.6 (range 1.8-7.8 x10E3/uL)
Lymphs (Absolute) 2.8 (range 0.7-4.5 x10E3/uL)
Monocytes(Absolute) 0.6 (range 0.1-1.0 x10E3/uL)
Eos (Absolute) 0.1 (range 0.0-0.4 x10E3/uL)
Baso (Absolute) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.2 x10E3/uL)
Immature Granulocytes 0 (range 0-2 %)
Immature Grans (Abs) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.1 x10E3/uL)
Glucose, Serum 86 (range 65-99 mg/dL)
BUN 13 (range 6-20 mg/dL)
Creatinine, Serum 0.88 (range 0.76-1.27 mg/dL)
eGFR If NonAfricn Am 114 (range >59 mL/min/1.73)
BUN/Creatinine Ratio 15 (range 8-19)
Sodium, Serum 138 (range 134-144 mmol/L)
Chloride, Serum 100 (range 97-108 mmol/L)
Carbon Dioxide, Total 24 (range 19-28 mmol/L)
Calcium, Serum 9.6 (range 8.7-10.2 mg/dL BN
Protein, Total, Serum 7.8 (range 6.0-8.5 g/dL)
Albumin, Serum 4.6 (range 3.5-5.5 g/dL)
Globulin, Total 3.2 (range 1.5-4.5 g/dL)
A/G Ratio 1.4 (range 1.1-2.5)
Bilirubin, Total 0.4 (range 0.0-1.2 mg/dL)
Alkaline Phosphatase, S 80 (range 44-102 IU/L)
AST (SGOT) 18 (range 0-40 IU/L)
ALT (SGPT) 14 (range 0-44 IU/L)
And of course the more important ones:
Potassium, Serum 4.1 (range 3.5-5.2 mmol/L)
Testosterone, Serum 41 LOW (range 348-1197 ng/dL)
FSH 0.7 LOW (range 1.5-12.4 mIU/mL)
Estradiol 78.3 HIGH (range 7.6-42.6 pg/mL)
Keep in mind that this was tested as a male. All of these ranges are under the assumption of being male which doesn't help much. Still though, It's good to see where I'm at. I'm considering uping my dose to 225mg of spiro and 6mg of E per day. From what I understand, my T should be below 40 and my E should be somewhere between 120 - 200 which still needs to go up on.
Aside from all of that. I want to get started with laser hair removal on my face, but it's going to cost about $250 to do the full face if I use Groupon. I don't have that money to spare just yet. I'm trying to be more frugal so I can get started, but so far I haven't. It's looking more and more like I'm not going to be able to afford the trip to my parents place this Christmas. I'm not exactly thrilled to go in the first place, but I don't want some kind of pity party of people feeling bad that I'm all alone on Christmas. I really couldn't care less.
So yesterday I went to get some blood work done for the first time. I prepaid online and all I had to do was show up with the paperwork and have blood drawn. Easy I guess. I walked in to the clinic nervous as hell. The test was for female hormone levels even though I clearly look and present as male. Thoughts on how I was going to explain myself kept racing through my head if they asked. I kept making small talk, thinking that maybe they'll get distracted enough not to care or something. I don't know.
To my great relief they didn't say anything about it. The test was in fact completely confidential and they didn't know what it was for. All they knew was I was there to have blood drawn and that I had prepaid online.
Anyways, here are my results:
RBC 4.44 (range 4.14-5.80 x10E6/uL)
Hemoglobin 13.7 (range 12.6-17.7 g/dL)
Hematocrit 40.4 (range 37.5-51.0 %)
MCV 91 (range 79-97 fL)
MCH 30.9 (range 26.6-33.0 pg)
MCHC 33.9 (range 31.5-35.7 g/dL)
RDW 13.1 (range 12.3-15.4 %)
Platelets 250 (range 140-415 x10E3/uL)
Neutrophils 66 (range 40-74 %)
Lymphs 27 (range 14-46 %)
Monocytes 6 (range 4-13 %)
Eos 1 (range 0-7 %)
Basos 0 (range 0-3 %)
Neutrophils (Absolute) 6.6 (range 1.8-7.8 x10E3/uL)
Lymphs (Absolute) 2.8 (range 0.7-4.5 x10E3/uL)
Monocytes(Absolute) 0.6 (range 0.1-1.0 x10E3/uL)
Eos (Absolute) 0.1 (range 0.0-0.4 x10E3/uL)
Baso (Absolute) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.2 x10E3/uL)
Immature Granulocytes 0 (range 0-2 %)
Immature Grans (Abs) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.1 x10E3/uL)
Glucose, Serum 86 (range 65-99 mg/dL)
BUN 13 (range 6-20 mg/dL)
Creatinine, Serum 0.88 (range 0.76-1.27 mg/dL)
eGFR If NonAfricn Am 114 (range >59 mL/min/1.73)
BUN/Creatinine Ratio 15 (range 8-19)
Sodium, Serum 138 (range 134-144 mmol/L)
Chloride, Serum 100 (range 97-108 mmol/L)
Carbon Dioxide, Total 24 (range 19-28 mmol/L)
Calcium, Serum 9.6 (range 8.7-10.2 mg/dL BN
Protein, Total, Serum 7.8 (range 6.0-8.5 g/dL)
Albumin, Serum 4.6 (range 3.5-5.5 g/dL)
Globulin, Total 3.2 (range 1.5-4.5 g/dL)
A/G Ratio 1.4 (range 1.1-2.5)
Bilirubin, Total 0.4 (range 0.0-1.2 mg/dL)
Alkaline Phosphatase, S 80 (range 44-102 IU/L)
AST (SGOT) 18 (range 0-40 IU/L)
ALT (SGPT) 14 (range 0-44 IU/L)
And of course the more important ones:
Potassium, Serum 4.1 (range 3.5-5.2 mmol/L)
Testosterone, Serum 41 LOW (range 348-1197 ng/dL)
FSH 0.7 LOW (range 1.5-12.4 mIU/mL)
Estradiol 78.3 HIGH (range 7.6-42.6 pg/mL)
Keep in mind that this was tested as a male. All of these ranges are under the assumption of being male which doesn't help much. Still though, It's good to see where I'm at. I'm considering uping my dose to 225mg of spiro and 6mg of E per day. From what I understand, my T should be below 40 and my E should be somewhere between 120 - 200 which still needs to go up on.
Aside from all of that. I want to get started with laser hair removal on my face, but it's going to cost about $250 to do the full face if I use Groupon. I don't have that money to spare just yet. I'm trying to be more frugal so I can get started, but so far I haven't. It's looking more and more like I'm not going to be able to afford the trip to my parents place this Christmas. I'm not exactly thrilled to go in the first place, but I don't want some kind of pity party of people feeling bad that I'm all alone on Christmas. I really couldn't care less.
#012 - Lazy entries, doubts about "fake HRT pills" fading and concerns about coming out (HRT day 52)
Friday, August 23, 2013
So yeah I know, it's been almost a month since I last wrote here. So far I've been taking my HRT every day like I should. For the longest time I had serious doubts that it would work or even if the hormones I bought were even real. I thought I was getting scammed.
I think I was wrong which is a good thing. It started off gradually, but I'm starting to experience more emotional mood swings. I'm not really sure why or if it's even the cause of the mood swings. But I think I'm starting to become more emotional. I'll go from brooding to giggling to myself to smiling and back to sad then normal in the span of an hour or so. It's really hard to tell if it's the HRT or not. I am certainly feeling a lot less aggressive though. That is for sure. I still get annoyed by coworkers, enough to say something I probably shouldn't. But for the most part the aggressive feeling is mostly gone.
I need to go and take another picture of myself for comparison. I haven't done that in a while. Mostly because I haven't been shaving and I don't like how I look with facial hair. While on that subject, I think I may finally be ready for electrolysis. I think I'm now able to afford it sometime either this month or starting next. I may have to ask my supervisor if I can duck out of work early now and then.
So an interesting twist of events happened this week. I already told my sister about my transition and she was super supportive about it. She just came out to me about wanting to be a guy. I'm transitioning into a girl, she's considering transitioning into a guy, and we're both from the same religious conservative family whom we've mostly cut ties with. This has got to be a sitcom plot somehow because there's so much awkward revolving around this, it's scary.
My transition alone was going to be incredibly difficult to explain as is. Now that she's looking into it as well, it's going to really shake things up in a bad way. I'm financially stable on my own but I don't think she is. I'd have to ask.
Other than all that, not much is really going on. I'm trying to find the best way to tell my roommates but so far I haven't found the right way or time yet. My female roommate is always off either at work or at her boyfriends place. The male roommate is ALWAYS here, always on the couch, always watching wrestling, always drunk. I'm trying to think of the right way to tell him, if I even owe him that much. We don't fight or anything, but we also don't really get along either. If it wasn't for the fact that we were both in the Navy, He and I would have nothing to talk about between us.
I want to use the news article about Bradley Manning (now Chelsea Manning) as an ice breaker and a warmup for "The Talk", but he doesn't keep up with news of any kinds. He doesn't know who that is, nor much about politics and wikileaks in general. I wanted to talk to the female roommate first about it, but male roommate is ALWAYS there on the couch in the living room.
I almost came out to a coworker today. He's a pretty chill dude, but he's worried about secret bank finances he could exploit or if the government is shutting down or some apocalyptic thing or another. He doesn't rant or rave about it, he just calmly states what his opinion is on it (and yes, he does state that it's his opinion and not fact). Pretty rational and down to Earth for a conspiracy theorist. I broke the ice with him about Bradley Chelsea Manning and he said that's cool I guess. He didn't seem phased about it or anything. I was working out a way to tell him when he was called away to work on something else. That's how it usually goes.
So yeah I know, it's been almost a month since I last wrote here. So far I've been taking my HRT every day like I should. For the longest time I had serious doubts that it would work or even if the hormones I bought were even real. I thought I was getting scammed.
I think I was wrong which is a good thing. It started off gradually, but I'm starting to experience more emotional mood swings. I'm not really sure why or if it's even the cause of the mood swings. But I think I'm starting to become more emotional. I'll go from brooding to giggling to myself to smiling and back to sad then normal in the span of an hour or so. It's really hard to tell if it's the HRT or not. I am certainly feeling a lot less aggressive though. That is for sure. I still get annoyed by coworkers, enough to say something I probably shouldn't. But for the most part the aggressive feeling is mostly gone.
I need to go and take another picture of myself for comparison. I haven't done that in a while. Mostly because I haven't been shaving and I don't like how I look with facial hair. While on that subject, I think I may finally be ready for electrolysis. I think I'm now able to afford it sometime either this month or starting next. I may have to ask my supervisor if I can duck out of work early now and then.
So an interesting twist of events happened this week. I already told my sister about my transition and she was super supportive about it. She just came out to me about wanting to be a guy. I'm transitioning into a girl, she's considering transitioning into a guy, and we're both from the same religious conservative family whom we've mostly cut ties with. This has got to be a sitcom plot somehow because there's so much awkward revolving around this, it's scary.
My transition alone was going to be incredibly difficult to explain as is. Now that she's looking into it as well, it's going to really shake things up in a bad way. I'm financially stable on my own but I don't think she is. I'd have to ask.
Other than all that, not much is really going on. I'm trying to find the best way to tell my roommates but so far I haven't found the right way or time yet. My female roommate is always off either at work or at her boyfriends place. The male roommate is ALWAYS here, always on the couch, always watching wrestling, always drunk. I'm trying to think of the right way to tell him, if I even owe him that much. We don't fight or anything, but we also don't really get along either. If it wasn't for the fact that we were both in the Navy, He and I would have nothing to talk about between us.
I want to use the news article about Bradley Manning (now Chelsea Manning) as an ice breaker and a warmup for "The Talk", but he doesn't keep up with news of any kinds. He doesn't know who that is, nor much about politics and wikileaks in general. I wanted to talk to the female roommate first about it, but male roommate is ALWAYS there on the couch in the living room.
I almost came out to a coworker today. He's a pretty chill dude, but he's worried about secret bank finances he could exploit or if the government is shutting down or some apocalyptic thing or another. He doesn't rant or rave about it, he just calmly states what his opinion is on it (and yes, he does state that it's his opinion and not fact). Pretty rational and down to Earth for a conspiracy theorist. I broke the ice with him about Bradley Chelsea Manning and he said that's cool I guess. He didn't seem phased about it or anything. I was working out a way to tell him when he was called away to work on something else. That's how it usually goes.
#011 - Diet fail, adjusting down HRT and feeling lonely. (HRT day 29)
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Well look at that. I'm writing this at a decent time instead of the last second before falling asleep at night. So, I stopped taking my E pills. I'm still taking 200mg of spiro per day, but I just stopped with the progynova all together. I was getting the impression that it wasn't doing anything for me whatsoever. Plus I read somewhere that I should have started taking spiro for a while first before taking E. Not both at the same time and certainly not at full dose within weeks of starting.
I still feel a little tired from the spiro, but I think I'm adjusting. It kinda feels like jetlag though it's getting better. I actually quit E three days ago and I don't plan on starting again until sometime early next month. I'm convinced that the "effects" I thought I was feeling from E were made up. Stuff I wanted to believe was caused by the hormones, but couldn't definitively say it was. I could be crazy or whatever, but I'm putting my foot down on this. No more E until early next month. Then I'll start up again.
I've been cheating on my diet lately. I've started eating junk food again including my kriptonite, monster energy drinks. Not as much as I was before my diet. Those days were truly awful. Heartburn so bad I couldn't sleep ten minutes without waking up with a powerful urge to throw up.
I've also been skipping workouts too. I dunno, I think I'm starting to slip or something. Before I enlisted in the Navy, I led an awful lifestyle. Gluttony, isolation, lazy, poor hygiene, zero motivation, depression, bad financial management and an alarming addiction to world of warcraft. It was a bad couple of years.
Bootcamp was especially rough for me but in retrospect I'm rather grateful for that swift kick in the ass. Now that I'm out, I fear I might be slipping into old bad habits again.
I still haven't met another trans person in real life yet. Just online text interactions. I'm not the kind of person that makes friends easily nor have I ever "fit in" well. I always feel like I'm wearing a disguise when around others, and they see it too but are too polite to call me out. I have traded emails with people I met on Craigslist, but all sorts of red flags went up in my head when they wanted to meet me in person... at their house... at night... alone.
I tried meetup, but there are no trans groups and a very small number of LGBT groups. All of which seem to be inactive. I hate the thought of going into this alone, but I'm strong and I own a shotgun so I'll manage.
Well look at that. I'm writing this at a decent time instead of the last second before falling asleep at night. So, I stopped taking my E pills. I'm still taking 200mg of spiro per day, but I just stopped with the progynova all together. I was getting the impression that it wasn't doing anything for me whatsoever. Plus I read somewhere that I should have started taking spiro for a while first before taking E. Not both at the same time and certainly not at full dose within weeks of starting.
I still feel a little tired from the spiro, but I think I'm adjusting. It kinda feels like jetlag though it's getting better. I actually quit E three days ago and I don't plan on starting again until sometime early next month. I'm convinced that the "effects" I thought I was feeling from E were made up. Stuff I wanted to believe was caused by the hormones, but couldn't definitively say it was. I could be crazy or whatever, but I'm putting my foot down on this. No more E until early next month. Then I'll start up again.
I've been cheating on my diet lately. I've started eating junk food again including my kriptonite, monster energy drinks. Not as much as I was before my diet. Those days were truly awful. Heartburn so bad I couldn't sleep ten minutes without waking up with a powerful urge to throw up.
I've also been skipping workouts too. I dunno, I think I'm starting to slip or something. Before I enlisted in the Navy, I led an awful lifestyle. Gluttony, isolation, lazy, poor hygiene, zero motivation, depression, bad financial management and an alarming addiction to world of warcraft. It was a bad couple of years.
Bootcamp was especially rough for me but in retrospect I'm rather grateful for that swift kick in the ass. Now that I'm out, I fear I might be slipping into old bad habits again.
I still haven't met another trans person in real life yet. Just online text interactions. I'm not the kind of person that makes friends easily nor have I ever "fit in" well. I always feel like I'm wearing a disguise when around others, and they see it too but are too polite to call me out. I have traded emails with people I met on Craigslist, but all sorts of red flags went up in my head when they wanted to meet me in person... at their house... at night... alone.
I tried meetup, but there are no trans groups and a very small number of LGBT groups. All of which seem to be inactive. I hate the thought of going into this alone, but I'm strong and I own a shotgun so I'll manage.
#010 - Changes so far plus amazingly real SRS dream (HRT day 23)
Thursday, July 25 2013
I'm really bad at keeping up with these entries. Always putting it off until just before bed and by then I'm usually too tired to write. So today is officially the third week of HRT. Changes so far are thus:
I'm daydreaming at work a lot less. It's hard to explain. When I'm at work doing some physical task, my brain is off thinking about a movie or tv show, often interjecting myself into the plot as a superhero, a character or whatever (don't judge me, ya'll do it too). I haven't been doing that for over a week now which is strange. I did that all the time when I was in grade school and in the military. Off in my own little world. I guess I don't feel the need to do that anymore.
Other than that, nothing else seems to have changed. I'm not getting emotional. My skin *seems* to be slightly softer, but that could be my imagination. My body weight is staying within 185 to 190 lbs. Not really going up or down, just staying within that area. Many of my tight arm and leg muscles seem to be all flabby and jelly like. Whether that's from the hormones or from lack of muscle building I cannot say. I've been deliberately avoiding lifting heavy things (not an easy task at my job since all I do is move things around).
I want to get this written down as it's still semi fresh in my memory. Yesterday night I had an incredibly vivid dream. It was about getting SRS surgery. I was in the operating room and talking with the doctor. The doctor was going over the procedure and reassuring me that it's a relatively easy process and I've got nothing to worry about. I wasn't worried or anxious at all though. In fact I felt a deep calm about it, almost a relief with some anticipation.
Dreams are dreams and all, but this one seemed VERY real. I didn't know I was dreaming, it just felt so real which took me by surprise when I woke up. It's like I jumped forward in time and was experiencing the future, then jumping back to my bed and my alarm clock. While I still have my doubts as to the effects of the HRT, or even if they're real pills, that dream gave me a piece of mind that I never knew before.
Anyways, it's late, again. Procrastination seems to be the word of the month. I'm going to be looking at my budget to see if I can start electrolysis on my beard soon.
I'm really bad at keeping up with these entries. Always putting it off until just before bed and by then I'm usually too tired to write. So today is officially the third week of HRT. Changes so far are thus:
- Increased appetite for salty foods.
- Irritability.
- Laziness.
- Flabbiness where there used to be tight muscle.
- Moments of spaceyness (if that's a word).
- Tiredness with frequent naps in the day.
I'm daydreaming at work a lot less. It's hard to explain. When I'm at work doing some physical task, my brain is off thinking about a movie or tv show, often interjecting myself into the plot as a superhero, a character or whatever (don't judge me, ya'll do it too). I haven't been doing that for over a week now which is strange. I did that all the time when I was in grade school and in the military. Off in my own little world. I guess I don't feel the need to do that anymore.
Other than that, nothing else seems to have changed. I'm not getting emotional. My skin *seems* to be slightly softer, but that could be my imagination. My body weight is staying within 185 to 190 lbs. Not really going up or down, just staying within that area. Many of my tight arm and leg muscles seem to be all flabby and jelly like. Whether that's from the hormones or from lack of muscle building I cannot say. I've been deliberately avoiding lifting heavy things (not an easy task at my job since all I do is move things around).
I want to get this written down as it's still semi fresh in my memory. Yesterday night I had an incredibly vivid dream. It was about getting SRS surgery. I was in the operating room and talking with the doctor. The doctor was going over the procedure and reassuring me that it's a relatively easy process and I've got nothing to worry about. I wasn't worried or anxious at all though. In fact I felt a deep calm about it, almost a relief with some anticipation.
Dreams are dreams and all, but this one seemed VERY real. I didn't know I was dreaming, it just felt so real which took me by surprise when I woke up. It's like I jumped forward in time and was experiencing the future, then jumping back to my bed and my alarm clock. While I still have my doubts as to the effects of the HRT, or even if they're real pills, that dream gave me a piece of mind that I never knew before.
Anyways, it's late, again. Procrastination seems to be the word of the month. I'm going to be looking at my budget to see if I can start electrolysis on my beard soon.
#009 - Feeling jipped, traded my laptop for a tablet, and purchased a DIY Laser Hair Removal Kit (HRT day 19)
Sunday, July 21, 2013
So it's been about two and a half weeks since I started HRT and to be honest I'm a little worried. Worried that I might have been ripped off on these hormone pills. What changes I have seen so far are minor and can be attributed to just about anything. No mood swings at all except for getting really pissed off at work. Mostly because of fellow coworkers acting inconsiderately and completely stupid.
In fact, the only major effect I've experienced so far is increased appetite and tiredness. Very very tired actually. I've taken two naps today and I'm tempted to call it a night early just to get more sleep. I've got to get some blood work done to see where my hormone levels are at. I'm guessing my T levels are down low and my E levels are also low.
I dunno. Maybe I'm just super impatient.
Work these past couple of weeks has been good. I'm getting plenty of overtime which couldn't have come at a better time. I'm getting double billed by the state of Virginia for vehicle property tax from two different cities. Neither of which will recognize the others bill and thus they're both valid.
I recently traded one of my old laptops I never use for an Android tablet. The owner thought I was a sucker but honestly I never use that laptop. It stayed in the closet for months without ever being touched. The tablet is pretty cool. It's a 32gb with a memory expansion card. I use this thing almost every day and I love it. Plus it's portable so I take it everywhere. It's so much easier to just walk downstairs and flop on the couch than set up my laptop, mouse, power cord and headphones.
Anyways, some time ago I bought a device on eBay called a Silk'n Epilator or whatever it's called. I tested it on my arms thinking it's stupid, but it actually worked. Now I have square spots on my arms where there's little to no hair. Looks strange.
So it's been about two and a half weeks since I started HRT and to be honest I'm a little worried. Worried that I might have been ripped off on these hormone pills. What changes I have seen so far are minor and can be attributed to just about anything. No mood swings at all except for getting really pissed off at work. Mostly because of fellow coworkers acting inconsiderately and completely stupid.
In fact, the only major effect I've experienced so far is increased appetite and tiredness. Very very tired actually. I've taken two naps today and I'm tempted to call it a night early just to get more sleep. I've got to get some blood work done to see where my hormone levels are at. I'm guessing my T levels are down low and my E levels are also low.
I dunno. Maybe I'm just super impatient.
Work these past couple of weeks has been good. I'm getting plenty of overtime which couldn't have come at a better time. I'm getting double billed by the state of Virginia for vehicle property tax from two different cities. Neither of which will recognize the others bill and thus they're both valid.
I recently traded one of my old laptops I never use for an Android tablet. The owner thought I was a sucker but honestly I never use that laptop. It stayed in the closet for months without ever being touched. The tablet is pretty cool. It's a 32gb with a memory expansion card. I use this thing almost every day and I love it. Plus it's portable so I take it everywhere. It's so much easier to just walk downstairs and flop on the couch than set up my laptop, mouse, power cord and headphones.
Anyways, some time ago I bought a device on eBay called a Silk'n Epilator or whatever it's called. I tested it on my arms thinking it's stupid, but it actually worked. Now I have square spots on my arms where there's little to no hair. Looks strange.
#008 - A shorty. Feeling blah (HRT day 10)
Friday, July 12, 2013
So it's just been over a week now since I started HRT. I got a bit impatient and started my full dose of 200mg of spiro and 4mg of E. So far it seems ok, but I've been getting mild headaches as well as some chest pain. Not bad chest pain, barely noticeable, but enough to be mildly concerned about. Before my diet I used to get really bad heartburn. So bad that I couldn't sleep and would throw up often. This chest pain feeling is very reminiscent of that even though I haven't experienced heartburn since starting my diet. I'm also finding myself winded all the time. I need to get some blood work done asap.
Other than that, nothing really seems to have changed. I've read up on the first week being mostly uneventful which is what I think. What has changed so far is my right nipple areola has gotten a little larger. Not by much, but it's noticeably larger than the left. Still no sensitivity though.
My testicles have also noticeably shrank. They're about 70% the size they used to be. My sex drive seems to be still the same though. It's late tonight and I wanted to add more, but I'm literally falling asleep as I write this. Maybe tomorrow.
So it's just been over a week now since I started HRT. I got a bit impatient and started my full dose of 200mg of spiro and 4mg of E. So far it seems ok, but I've been getting mild headaches as well as some chest pain. Not bad chest pain, barely noticeable, but enough to be mildly concerned about. Before my diet I used to get really bad heartburn. So bad that I couldn't sleep and would throw up often. This chest pain feeling is very reminiscent of that even though I haven't experienced heartburn since starting my diet. I'm also finding myself winded all the time. I need to get some blood work done asap.
Other than that, nothing really seems to have changed. I've read up on the first week being mostly uneventful which is what I think. What has changed so far is my right nipple areola has gotten a little larger. Not by much, but it's noticeably larger than the left. Still no sensitivity though.
My testicles have also noticeably shrank. They're about 70% the size they used to be. My sex drive seems to be still the same though. It's late tonight and I wanted to add more, but I'm literally falling asleep as I write this. Maybe tomorrow.
#007 - Breaking diet, upping HRT dosage and laziness in blogging. (HRT day 5)
Sunday, July 07, 2013
So I initially had the thought that I would write in this diary every day about my thoughts and experiences. I also thought I would take a picture a day and a signature a day to document every little thing about my transition. I gotta say that didn't work out. That's a LOT of effort to keep up on and remember. I'm far too busy/lazy to do that.
I recently up'ed my dosage of spiro and E to 100mg and 2mg per day. Far sooner than expected. I really just wanted to start E on the forth of July because it's an easy date to remember when this all officially started. I wanted to start on my birthday, June 15th, but there was a problem with the online pharmacy I ordered from. InternationalDrugMart turned out to be a total scam and I had to file a charge-back to get my money back. They refused to send what I paid for and refused to give me my money back.
Currently I'm holding to that dosage, but the temptation to raise it is always on my mind. Most DIY girls stick to a dosage of 200mg and 4mg, but I'm only doing half that to start. I'm not sure when I want to reach that. Maybe by the end of this month. I want to start cycling the Provera on the 1st of August.
So far DIY seems to be ok. It's only been three days so far, but the only changes I've experienced are mild to weak headaches and mild acne on my arms. My body weight has dropped down to 188 lbs which is good since I started at 210 lbs. I don't attribute the loss to the hormones. It's only been three days, geez. Nope, it's just working out at the gym consistently and eating mostly right.
Speaking of which, lately I've been splurging a little more on my diet. Today I had Taco Bell for lunch and a soda. Not happy about it since yesterday I had a monster energy drink and some candy. Those energy drinks seem to be my go-to food for comfort when I have a bad or mediocre day.
I still hold onto hope that this HRT and weight loss will all work out in the end. It's seems very easy to get impatient with all of this. Still, 20 lbs loss in one month isn't bad at all. I don't really see it in the mirror though. I still have a muffin top and I'm still really concerned that my shoulder mass won't shrink enough to pass. Time will tell I guess.
So I initially had the thought that I would write in this diary every day about my thoughts and experiences. I also thought I would take a picture a day and a signature a day to document every little thing about my transition. I gotta say that didn't work out. That's a LOT of effort to keep up on and remember. I'm far too busy/lazy to do that.
I recently up'ed my dosage of spiro and E to 100mg and 2mg per day. Far sooner than expected. I really just wanted to start E on the forth of July because it's an easy date to remember when this all officially started. I wanted to start on my birthday, June 15th, but there was a problem with the online pharmacy I ordered from. InternationalDrugMart turned out to be a total scam and I had to file a charge-back to get my money back. They refused to send what I paid for and refused to give me my money back.
Currently I'm holding to that dosage, but the temptation to raise it is always on my mind. Most DIY girls stick to a dosage of 200mg and 4mg, but I'm only doing half that to start. I'm not sure when I want to reach that. Maybe by the end of this month. I want to start cycling the Provera on the 1st of August.
So far DIY seems to be ok. It's only been three days so far, but the only changes I've experienced are mild to weak headaches and mild acne on my arms. My body weight has dropped down to 188 lbs which is good since I started at 210 lbs. I don't attribute the loss to the hormones. It's only been three days, geez. Nope, it's just working out at the gym consistently and eating mostly right.
Speaking of which, lately I've been splurging a little more on my diet. Today I had Taco Bell for lunch and a soda. Not happy about it since yesterday I had a monster energy drink and some candy. Those energy drinks seem to be my go-to food for comfort when I have a bad or mediocre day.
I still hold onto hope that this HRT and weight loss will all work out in the end. It's seems very easy to get impatient with all of this. Still, 20 lbs loss in one month isn't bad at all. I don't really see it in the mirror though. I still have a muffin top and I'm still really concerned that my shoulder mass won't shrink enough to pass. Time will tell I guess.
#006 - HRT day one! Came out to Sister #1, plus pics (HRT day 1)
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Today my order from inhousepharmacy came in the mail. About a week sooner than expected. In full honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Scared of all the unknowns. Mostly scared that it won't work or I won't be able to ever pass. Scared that I'm too old and starting too late. Scared that I'll get fired from my job or kicked out of my house by the landlord. Scared that my family will reject me. Just... scared of all the unknowns.
I came out to my sister who's really into the LGBT community and an activist. She didn't reply much except that my decision is "freaking awesome". She even asked me what other name I will be going by. Took me by surprise a little, but I think I'm going to keep it simple. My real name passes for both male and female names. I'm also considering a few variations of my name just so it doesn't sound so foreign.
Anyways, the pills I ordered are sitting right in front of me and I'm still hesitant. Got a bottle of water here as well as a written schedule for how much to take and when to ramp up the dose. I'm starting slow with just 50mg of Spiro per day. After a little while of this I'm going to ramp up to 100mg per day and 2mg of E. Right now I'm just staring at the package with a blank stare.
My hair is a mess though. It's going through an ugly phase of not being long enough to style yet too long to keep it neat. I've started collecting pictures of myself from the past (aren't all pictures of you from the past?) Told my mom that my girlfriend wanted to see pictures of me when I was younger (a complete lie of course). They're going into a transition video one day.
BTW here are a few:
And of course, my first picture of HRT:
Today my order from inhousepharmacy came in the mail. About a week sooner than expected. In full honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Scared of all the unknowns. Mostly scared that it won't work or I won't be able to ever pass. Scared that I'm too old and starting too late. Scared that I'll get fired from my job or kicked out of my house by the landlord. Scared that my family will reject me. Just... scared of all the unknowns.
I came out to my sister who's really into the LGBT community and an activist. She didn't reply much except that my decision is "freaking awesome". She even asked me what other name I will be going by. Took me by surprise a little, but I think I'm going to keep it simple. My real name passes for both male and female names. I'm also considering a few variations of my name just so it doesn't sound so foreign.
Anyways, the pills I ordered are sitting right in front of me and I'm still hesitant. Got a bottle of water here as well as a written schedule for how much to take and when to ramp up the dose. I'm starting slow with just 50mg of Spiro per day. After a little while of this I'm going to ramp up to 100mg per day and 2mg of E. Right now I'm just staring at the package with a blank stare.
My hair is a mess though. It's going through an ugly phase of not being long enough to style yet too long to keep it neat. I've started collecting pictures of myself from the past (aren't all pictures of you from the past?) Told my mom that my girlfriend wanted to see pictures of me when I was younger (a complete lie of course). They're going into a transition video one day.
BTW here are a few:
And of course, my first picture of HRT:
(Pic of HRT Day 1)
(Don't judge my pudgy face, lol)
#005 - Problems ordering DIY HRT. (pre HRT)
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
So I haven't written in a while. My motivation for working out and eating right has been a bit shaky. I'm not splurging, but now and then I'll break my diet and eat something unhealthy like chinese food or drink a monster.
Recently I placed an order with an online pharmacy called International Drug Mart. Right after I learned my lesson never to order from these people again. They made it quite clear they're not going to send me what I paid for nor will they refund my money. I threatened them with a bank chargeback and they changed their tune. I still haven't received my money back and am a little ticked off. They were supposed to refund two days ago.
I can't start the chargeback process until the first of July which is annoying. I have another order placed with Inhousepharmacy.biz and so far they seem legit. Lots of recommendations with this online pharmacy.
I'm strongly considering going on a water diet. It's where I drink nothing but water and eat nothing. It's basically starvation and the water is supposed to suppress hunger pains. A bit drastic, but I'm really worried the muscle on my shoulders and my love handles will become a huge problem after starting hormones. It's only going to be for two weeks at most I think. I tried starving several times before, but temptation and old habits kicked in without me being aware. The next thing I knew I was eating a bowl of noodles and shouting "Damnit!"
So I haven't written in a while. My motivation for working out and eating right has been a bit shaky. I'm not splurging, but now and then I'll break my diet and eat something unhealthy like chinese food or drink a monster.
Recently I placed an order with an online pharmacy called International Drug Mart. Right after I learned my lesson never to order from these people again. They made it quite clear they're not going to send me what I paid for nor will they refund my money. I threatened them with a bank chargeback and they changed their tune. I still haven't received my money back and am a little ticked off. They were supposed to refund two days ago.
I can't start the chargeback process until the first of July which is annoying. I have another order placed with Inhousepharmacy.biz and so far they seem legit. Lots of recommendations with this online pharmacy.
I'm strongly considering going on a water diet. It's where I drink nothing but water and eat nothing. It's basically starvation and the water is supposed to suppress hunger pains. A bit drastic, but I'm really worried the muscle on my shoulders and my love handles will become a huge problem after starting hormones. It's only going to be for two weeks at most I think. I tried starving several times before, but temptation and old habits kicked in without me being aware. The next thing I knew I was eating a bowl of noodles and shouting "Damnit!"
#004 - Short entry. Still have concerns about passing (pre HRT)
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
I still have so many unknown questions to deal with. I don't know how I'm going to afford SRS or any of the surgeries I want to get. I don't know how I'm going to come out to my family either. I don't talk to them much and maybe see them once a year on Christmas. I really don't want to just show up one Christmas and say "Hi guys, nice to see you. By the way, as you can see, I'm a girl now".
I'm still sticking to my diet faithfully. I've only worked out twice since I started which sucks. Working night shift gets in the way of working out. I'm trying to not be lazy about it and my drive to reach my goal is still burning hot. A coworker suggested I check out Planet Fitness since they're open 24/7 and they're cheap.
I'm currently switching jobs and schedules so that's going to complicate things.
I still have so many unknown questions to deal with. I don't know how I'm going to afford SRS or any of the surgeries I want to get. I don't know how I'm going to come out to my family either. I don't talk to them much and maybe see them once a year on Christmas. I really don't want to just show up one Christmas and say "Hi guys, nice to see you. By the way, as you can see, I'm a girl now".
I'm still sticking to my diet faithfully. I've only worked out twice since I started which sucks. Working night shift gets in the way of working out. I'm trying to not be lazy about it and my drive to reach my goal is still burning hot. A coworker suggested I check out Planet Fitness since they're open 24/7 and they're cheap.
I'm currently switching jobs and schedules so that's going to complicate things.
#003 - Still no HRT, plus diet stuff and possibly oil field money (pre HRT)
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I've been sticking to the diet since the 24th without break. I feel great, I'm not tired all the time, I'm in a happier mood. I wouldn't say I have more energy but I definitely have a solid goal to work towards and I'm doing the best I can to reach it. It's the first goal in my life that I've ever gave a damn about. So far I've worked out two days in a row which is a start. Nothing major. Just an hour light run around the neighborhood at night (it's cooler at night). It's not a full run but more of a brisk walk followed by a light run and repeat. I don't want to overdo it.
I want to lose about 70 pounds and drop down to 140lbs. I've never been that weight in my entire life and I'm curious if it's even possible.
I don't even want to look at the bathroom scale right now. Not until a full week of workout and diet has passed. I'm still tempted by all sorts of junk food and such. I've never noticed before, but we're bombarded by food ads all day and night. It's everywhere. I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and saw that little mini fridge next to the cashier. Full of monster energy drinks (my long time weakness). I used to drink three or four per day. I had to look away to resist temptation, lol the cashier thought I was just being shy or something.
I spoke with my mom (which btw I haven't come out to anyone yet) about the family oil fields. My family owns a couple of acres of land as well as the mineral rights. Several oil companies have come to us wanting to frack the land and in exchange we keep about 18% of all the profits they make off of it (estimated 5 million dollars per year). I know I know, fracking is bad for the environment and all, but that money could go a very long way to help with transition.
I was hoping that they'd have started drilling by now but they haven't. I'm worried that if I come out to my family about my transition, they'd cut me off, emotionally and financially. I don't care too much emotionally, I was never close to my family. Financially I really REALLY could use that money so I play nice with them even though I generally don't like them. Not hate, that's too strong of a word. Dislike feels like a better word. They gave me such an unnecessarily hard time when I was growing up.
If I do manage to grab a chunk of that oil money, I'm hoping it'll be large. I'd go to school full time, complete my transition including FFS and SRS, pay off all my debts, get a place of my own, and donate what I can to others who are financially struggling with their transition. I'm playing in the lottery now and then. Not going crazy and buying large numbers of tickets, but one or two a week seems like a moderate amount (there's two drawings every week). Cross your fingers for me, mine are exhausted from crossing.
I've been sticking to the diet since the 24th without break. I feel great, I'm not tired all the time, I'm in a happier mood. I wouldn't say I have more energy but I definitely have a solid goal to work towards and I'm doing the best I can to reach it. It's the first goal in my life that I've ever gave a damn about. So far I've worked out two days in a row which is a start. Nothing major. Just an hour light run around the neighborhood at night (it's cooler at night). It's not a full run but more of a brisk walk followed by a light run and repeat. I don't want to overdo it.
I want to lose about 70 pounds and drop down to 140lbs. I've never been that weight in my entire life and I'm curious if it's even possible.
I don't even want to look at the bathroom scale right now. Not until a full week of workout and diet has passed. I'm still tempted by all sorts of junk food and such. I've never noticed before, but we're bombarded by food ads all day and night. It's everywhere. I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and saw that little mini fridge next to the cashier. Full of monster energy drinks (my long time weakness). I used to drink three or four per day. I had to look away to resist temptation, lol the cashier thought I was just being shy or something.
I spoke with my mom (which btw I haven't come out to anyone yet) about the family oil fields. My family owns a couple of acres of land as well as the mineral rights. Several oil companies have come to us wanting to frack the land and in exchange we keep about 18% of all the profits they make off of it (estimated 5 million dollars per year). I know I know, fracking is bad for the environment and all, but that money could go a very long way to help with transition.
I was hoping that they'd have started drilling by now but they haven't. I'm worried that if I come out to my family about my transition, they'd cut me off, emotionally and financially. I don't care too much emotionally, I was never close to my family. Financially I really REALLY could use that money so I play nice with them even though I generally don't like them. Not hate, that's too strong of a word. Dislike feels like a better word. They gave me such an unnecessarily hard time when I was growing up.
If I do manage to grab a chunk of that oil money, I'm hoping it'll be large. I'd go to school full time, complete my transition including FFS and SRS, pay off all my debts, get a place of my own, and donate what I can to others who are financially struggling with their transition. I'm playing in the lottery now and then. Not going crazy and buying large numbers of tickets, but one or two a week seems like a moderate amount (there's two drawings every week). Cross your fingers for me, mine are exhausted from crossing.
#002 - Pre HRT, diet and concerns. (pre HRT)
Friday, May 24, 2013
First day of dieting. I stopped drinking soda, energy drinks, coffee and that sort of thing. Just plain water and I have a raging headache. I also stopped making twice daily trips to 7/11. Used to load up armfuls of junk food and spend all day eating and playing on my computer. Current weight is 208lbs.
I've decided to start writing a log of everything I'm going through all the way up to HRT and beyond. Maybe someone else who's on the fence about transitioning will find it inspiring. I mostly find it way too personal to share but whatever. I'm not using my real name.
I'm still browsing Reddit and finding help, a place to find necessary resources, and all around inspiration. I never thought it was even possible to make a full transition. I still have my doubts. What if I come out unchanged afterwards? What if I still look like a guy?
The subreddit /r/transtimelines is a HUGE inspiration for me. That was the turning point from all of this being an unreachable dream to tuck away forever to actually taking charge and reaching for it.
Plus Youtube has been a great inspiration as well. Users like minorqback, SamanthaZero34, casey4441, and princessjoules (who is way over the top girly and cute) have all been inspirational and informative in their videos.
First day of dieting. I stopped drinking soda, energy drinks, coffee and that sort of thing. Just plain water and I have a raging headache. I also stopped making twice daily trips to 7/11. Used to load up armfuls of junk food and spend all day eating and playing on my computer. Current weight is 208lbs.
I've decided to start writing a log of everything I'm going through all the way up to HRT and beyond. Maybe someone else who's on the fence about transitioning will find it inspiring. I mostly find it way too personal to share but whatever. I'm not using my real name.
I'm still browsing Reddit and finding help, a place to find necessary resources, and all around inspiration. I never thought it was even possible to make a full transition. I still have my doubts. What if I come out unchanged afterwards? What if I still look like a guy?
The subreddit /r/transtimelines is a HUGE inspiration for me. That was the turning point from all of this being an unreachable dream to tuck away forever to actually taking charge and reaching for it.
Plus Youtube has been a great inspiration as well. Users like minorqback, SamanthaZero34, casey4441, and princessjoules (who is way over the top girly and cute) have all been inspirational and informative in their videos.
#001 - Preface And Other Stuff.
So I've been keeping a personal journal of my MtF transition journey for a while now. I don't write as much as I used to when I first started, but I do still make entries every other week or so. But anyways, I've decided to take that journal and make it public. I hope it helps others who are either considering or are going through a transition as I am.
It's full of my mistakes, fears, concerns, stupidity, musings, rants and general progress. By no means am I an expert on transitioning nor do I claim to be. I trip and stumble blindly like everyone else. Everyone needs to figure shit out on their own and this blog is my attempt.
I want to keep my personal identity and info off of this blog. That may turn out to be impossible as anyone who does anything on the internet can be found. That's fine, I'm sure my real name found its way in somewhere. Just don't go seeking me out in real life without permission. That's creepy.
It's full of my mistakes, fears, concerns, stupidity, musings, rants and general progress. By no means am I an expert on transitioning nor do I claim to be. I trip and stumble blindly like everyone else. Everyone needs to figure shit out on their own and this blog is my attempt.
I want to keep my personal identity and info off of this blog. That may turn out to be impossible as anyone who does anything on the internet can be found. That's fine, I'm sure my real name found its way in somewhere. Just don't go seeking me out in real life without permission. That's creepy.
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