Monday, September 23, 2013
BEWBS!!!!
lol, but to knock out more serious stuff first. I recently started up a new EvE Online account with a new character of the same name, Jojo Rumbles. I already have two other accounts of which are quite old characters. But it's fun playing as a newbie again. Everything seems fresh this time around. Plus I'm flying with an alliance called Brave Newbies Inc which has been a blast. I haven't had this much fun in a very long time in EvE.
Since this blog and my character have the same name, it's inevitable that someone ingame will find this blog, and will no doubt have questions. I really only intended for this to be one way. Others who are curious or have questions about the transition process can find me ingame if they want. Preferably not the other way around with EvE players finding the blog.
But if that's the case and you're here, please understand that this blog is meant to help others who are going through the transition process. It's not meant for fellow EvE players. You can read it if you really want but fair warning, it does get weird graphic and awkward for both the reader and the writer. You've been warned (and for EvE players thinking of blackmail, as EvE players are want to do, don't bother. I'm an open book).
That being said, most of my doubt as to whether the E is working is gone. I'm about 80% sure it's working now because I'm getting constant soreness in my chest. Normally that only happens when I wear a new shirt and/or am pouring sweat. Not the case anymore. There's definitely soreness and increased sensitivity there. Yay boobs, but it's also a bit annoying. Every bump, scratch and touch hurts a little. Not painful but more like an old bruise that hasn't gone away. There's also definite mass there too. My upper arms keep bumping them all day and there's a bit more bounce going on. I'm told it'll get worse and better at the same time.
I'm coming up on the three month mark which is great. Time is passing so very slow that it's starting to drive me nuts. HRT is magic as I'm told, but it sucks for the impatient (that would be me). My diet isn't going very well. Lately I've been having intense cravings for salty and sweet junk foods. Even with going to the gym every other day, weight loss has come to a standstill and I blame my poor willpower to resist tasty temptations. I'm giving serious considerations again to starvation for a week or two. I haven't mostly because I have food in the fridge that will go bad by then.
I finally got my credit union credit card in the mail today. Comes with a thousand dollar spending limit and the interest rates are low. Temptation to go buck wild and spend on stupid shit is there, but I know better. Mistakes were made with credit cards when I first moved out of my parents house. Mostly out of necessity for not living under a bridge and putting food on the table, but I've learned from those mistakes. Besides, I intend to use this card for emergencies and for electrolysis which I hope to start either this Friday or next.
I'm also considering taking a train down to Austin this Christmas. I haven't been home in almost three years. The price tag is a bit steep. $750 for a round trip plane ticket.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
Sunday, September 8, 2013
#014 - Came out to roommates, increased dosage and a pic I actually like (HRT day 67)
Saturday, September 7, 2013
So yesterday I finally came out to my roommates... sort of. I have two, one is a female 22 year old and the other is a male 40 something year old. I told the female roommate via text while I was at work. Had to work up the courage to text. My hands were shaking and I had butterflies in my stomach. Super nervous:
Me: Hey umm, I probably need to talk to you about something and it's difficult to come out and say. Not really sure how you and [male roommate] will react to it.
Her: What is it?
Me: I really don't want to freak anyone out. I've been seeing a therapist about transgender issues.
(long awkward silence)
Her: That doesn't freak me out at all! I don't understand it really like I said I'm from a small town but if that's who you are I'm cool with it doesn't change how I see you I still think your great guy!.
Me: I didn't want to say anything because it's nobody else's business, but physical changes are starting to get noticeable.
Me: Three different people this week called me out. "Bro no offense but you kinda look like a girl". Awkward.
Me: I dunno. Physical changes from my prescription are becoming more and more apparent. Figure I might as well say something now instead of it getting super awkward later.
Her: Sorry i was tanning lol. your right it isn't anybody's business but your and its up to you if you tell [male roommate] I won't say anything. I really don't think he will judge you tho he's pretty understanding
Me: Lol cool. I've still got at least another year before anything else changes. My sister won't stop blowing up my phone wanting to hear every little detail.
Her: Atleast the are supportive!
And that's the end of the text conversation with her. After work I went to the grocery store and stocked up on alcohol. I got home before anyone else did and got shit faced early in the day. It was ten after five, after all. She eventually came home with her boyfriend at about the same time the male roommate came home. We all exchanged small talk and all. I told her that after I sent that email I immediately wished I hadn't.
She gave me that pity look and said don't worry about it, don't feel embarrassed (that only made me feel worse). But from there the issue didn't come up again. She doesn't seem to be interested or have any questions. I think it's more like a "You do your thing and I'll do mine" deal.
I tried to tell male roommate but I don't think I got the message through. It's difficult to talk to him about anything. He constantly interrupts and he doesn't seem concerned about what anybody else has to say. I think he sometimes just waits for a pause in a conversation to start talking, sometimes not even waiting for that pause. He tells the same Navy stories over and over which are humorous, but often not related to anything being discussed. Plus he's always drunk and camping out on the living room sofa.
Anyways, I took a self picture with my phone today and was blown away by what I saw. I didn't realize how much has changed until I saw it. I actually look a LOT younger than 31. More like early 20's, maybe teenager. My face is starting to look feminine and youthful which is awesome. I posted that picture on Facebook for family to see (they don't know yet) and they too were taken aback by how young I look, plus how long my hair is getting. They haven't seen me in several years as they all live in Texas and I live in Virginia.
Not much else to add except I've readjusted my doses. I'm going back to 200mg of spiro because it's already so close to below 40. It's sitting at 41 at the time of the blood work results. Down from around 500ish. Taking anymore just seems a tad dangerous.
I did increase my E from 4mg a day to 8mg per day. My results from the test were very low. Sitting at 78 when it should be between 120 and 200. A double dose seemed appropriate but I'm worried that I may be overshooting the 200 mark. The increases don't exactly follow the rules of mathematics. 2 plus 2 doesn't always equal 4, metaphorically speaking, in regards to hormone level increases.
Interestingly enough, my facial hair after my E dose increased has slowed significantly. A clean shave now lasts almost the entire week instead of just 18 hours. Which reminds me that I'm planning on starting either laser or electrolysis soon. It's going to be difficult this month because I've already lost one day plus a couple of hours of pay. Holiday plus I left early the week before to get my blood work done.
If I've got any shot in starting this month, I'm going to have to really knuckle down on my budget. I've got to be a lot more frugal.
So yesterday I finally came out to my roommates... sort of. I have two, one is a female 22 year old and the other is a male 40 something year old. I told the female roommate via text while I was at work. Had to work up the courage to text. My hands were shaking and I had butterflies in my stomach. Super nervous:
Me: Hey umm, I probably need to talk to you about something and it's difficult to come out and say. Not really sure how you and [male roommate] will react to it.
Her: What is it?
Me: I really don't want to freak anyone out. I've been seeing a therapist about transgender issues.
(long awkward silence)
Her: That doesn't freak me out at all! I don't understand it really like I said I'm from a small town but if that's who you are I'm cool with it doesn't change how I see you I still think your great guy!.
Me: I didn't want to say anything because it's nobody else's business, but physical changes are starting to get noticeable.
Me: Three different people this week called me out. "Bro no offense but you kinda look like a girl". Awkward.
Me: I dunno. Physical changes from my prescription are becoming more and more apparent. Figure I might as well say something now instead of it getting super awkward later.
Her: Sorry i was tanning lol. your right it isn't anybody's business but your and its up to you if you tell [male roommate] I won't say anything. I really don't think he will judge you tho he's pretty understanding
Me: Lol cool. I've still got at least another year before anything else changes. My sister won't stop blowing up my phone wanting to hear every little detail.
Her: Atleast the are supportive!
And that's the end of the text conversation with her. After work I went to the grocery store and stocked up on alcohol. I got home before anyone else did and got shit faced early in the day. It was ten after five, after all. She eventually came home with her boyfriend at about the same time the male roommate came home. We all exchanged small talk and all. I told her that after I sent that email I immediately wished I hadn't.
She gave me that pity look and said don't worry about it, don't feel embarrassed (that only made me feel worse). But from there the issue didn't come up again. She doesn't seem to be interested or have any questions. I think it's more like a "You do your thing and I'll do mine" deal.
I tried to tell male roommate but I don't think I got the message through. It's difficult to talk to him about anything. He constantly interrupts and he doesn't seem concerned about what anybody else has to say. I think he sometimes just waits for a pause in a conversation to start talking, sometimes not even waiting for that pause. He tells the same Navy stories over and over which are humorous, but often not related to anything being discussed. Plus he's always drunk and camping out on the living room sofa.
Anyways, I took a self picture with my phone today and was blown away by what I saw. I didn't realize how much has changed until I saw it. I actually look a LOT younger than 31. More like early 20's, maybe teenager. My face is starting to look feminine and youthful which is awesome. I posted that picture on Facebook for family to see (they don't know yet) and they too were taken aback by how young I look, plus how long my hair is getting. They haven't seen me in several years as they all live in Texas and I live in Virginia.
(Pic of HRT Day 66)
Not much else to add except I've readjusted my doses. I'm going back to 200mg of spiro because it's already so close to below 40. It's sitting at 41 at the time of the blood work results. Down from around 500ish. Taking anymore just seems a tad dangerous.
I did increase my E from 4mg a day to 8mg per day. My results from the test were very low. Sitting at 78 when it should be between 120 and 200. A double dose seemed appropriate but I'm worried that I may be overshooting the 200 mark. The increases don't exactly follow the rules of mathematics. 2 plus 2 doesn't always equal 4, metaphorically speaking, in regards to hormone level increases.
Interestingly enough, my facial hair after my E dose increased has slowed significantly. A clean shave now lasts almost the entire week instead of just 18 hours. Which reminds me that I'm planning on starting either laser or electrolysis soon. It's going to be difficult this month because I've already lost one day plus a couple of hours of pay. Holiday plus I left early the week before to get my blood work done.
If I've got any shot in starting this month, I'm going to have to really knuckle down on my budget. I've got to be a lot more frugal.
#013 - Bloodwork results and looking into facial hair removal. (HRT day 58)
Thursday, August 29, 2013
So yesterday I went to get some blood work done for the first time. I prepaid online and all I had to do was show up with the paperwork and have blood drawn. Easy I guess. I walked in to the clinic nervous as hell. The test was for female hormone levels even though I clearly look and present as male. Thoughts on how I was going to explain myself kept racing through my head if they asked. I kept making small talk, thinking that maybe they'll get distracted enough not to care or something. I don't know.
To my great relief they didn't say anything about it. The test was in fact completely confidential and they didn't know what it was for. All they knew was I was there to have blood drawn and that I had prepaid online.
Anyways, here are my results:
RBC 4.44 (range 4.14-5.80 x10E6/uL)
Hemoglobin 13.7 (range 12.6-17.7 g/dL)
Hematocrit 40.4 (range 37.5-51.0 %)
MCV 91 (range 79-97 fL)
MCH 30.9 (range 26.6-33.0 pg)
MCHC 33.9 (range 31.5-35.7 g/dL)
RDW 13.1 (range 12.3-15.4 %)
Platelets 250 (range 140-415 x10E3/uL)
Neutrophils 66 (range 40-74 %)
Lymphs 27 (range 14-46 %)
Monocytes 6 (range 4-13 %)
Eos 1 (range 0-7 %)
Basos 0 (range 0-3 %)
Neutrophils (Absolute) 6.6 (range 1.8-7.8 x10E3/uL)
Lymphs (Absolute) 2.8 (range 0.7-4.5 x10E3/uL)
Monocytes(Absolute) 0.6 (range 0.1-1.0 x10E3/uL)
Eos (Absolute) 0.1 (range 0.0-0.4 x10E3/uL)
Baso (Absolute) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.2 x10E3/uL)
Immature Granulocytes 0 (range 0-2 %)
Immature Grans (Abs) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.1 x10E3/uL)
Glucose, Serum 86 (range 65-99 mg/dL)
BUN 13 (range 6-20 mg/dL)
Creatinine, Serum 0.88 (range 0.76-1.27 mg/dL)
eGFR If NonAfricn Am 114 (range >59 mL/min/1.73)
BUN/Creatinine Ratio 15 (range 8-19)
Sodium, Serum 138 (range 134-144 mmol/L)
Chloride, Serum 100 (range 97-108 mmol/L)
Carbon Dioxide, Total 24 (range 19-28 mmol/L)
Calcium, Serum 9.6 (range 8.7-10.2 mg/dL BN
Protein, Total, Serum 7.8 (range 6.0-8.5 g/dL)
Albumin, Serum 4.6 (range 3.5-5.5 g/dL)
Globulin, Total 3.2 (range 1.5-4.5 g/dL)
A/G Ratio 1.4 (range 1.1-2.5)
Bilirubin, Total 0.4 (range 0.0-1.2 mg/dL)
Alkaline Phosphatase, S 80 (range 44-102 IU/L)
AST (SGOT) 18 (range 0-40 IU/L)
ALT (SGPT) 14 (range 0-44 IU/L)
And of course the more important ones:
Potassium, Serum 4.1 (range 3.5-5.2 mmol/L)
Testosterone, Serum 41 LOW (range 348-1197 ng/dL)
FSH 0.7 LOW (range 1.5-12.4 mIU/mL)
Estradiol 78.3 HIGH (range 7.6-42.6 pg/mL)
Keep in mind that this was tested as a male. All of these ranges are under the assumption of being male which doesn't help much. Still though, It's good to see where I'm at. I'm considering uping my dose to 225mg of spiro and 6mg of E per day. From what I understand, my T should be below 40 and my E should be somewhere between 120 - 200 which still needs to go up on.
Aside from all of that. I want to get started with laser hair removal on my face, but it's going to cost about $250 to do the full face if I use Groupon. I don't have that money to spare just yet. I'm trying to be more frugal so I can get started, but so far I haven't. It's looking more and more like I'm not going to be able to afford the trip to my parents place this Christmas. I'm not exactly thrilled to go in the first place, but I don't want some kind of pity party of people feeling bad that I'm all alone on Christmas. I really couldn't care less.
So yesterday I went to get some blood work done for the first time. I prepaid online and all I had to do was show up with the paperwork and have blood drawn. Easy I guess. I walked in to the clinic nervous as hell. The test was for female hormone levels even though I clearly look and present as male. Thoughts on how I was going to explain myself kept racing through my head if they asked. I kept making small talk, thinking that maybe they'll get distracted enough not to care or something. I don't know.
To my great relief they didn't say anything about it. The test was in fact completely confidential and they didn't know what it was for. All they knew was I was there to have blood drawn and that I had prepaid online.
Anyways, here are my results:
RBC 4.44 (range 4.14-5.80 x10E6/uL)
Hemoglobin 13.7 (range 12.6-17.7 g/dL)
Hematocrit 40.4 (range 37.5-51.0 %)
MCV 91 (range 79-97 fL)
MCH 30.9 (range 26.6-33.0 pg)
MCHC 33.9 (range 31.5-35.7 g/dL)
RDW 13.1 (range 12.3-15.4 %)
Platelets 250 (range 140-415 x10E3/uL)
Neutrophils 66 (range 40-74 %)
Lymphs 27 (range 14-46 %)
Monocytes 6 (range 4-13 %)
Eos 1 (range 0-7 %)
Basos 0 (range 0-3 %)
Neutrophils (Absolute) 6.6 (range 1.8-7.8 x10E3/uL)
Lymphs (Absolute) 2.8 (range 0.7-4.5 x10E3/uL)
Monocytes(Absolute) 0.6 (range 0.1-1.0 x10E3/uL)
Eos (Absolute) 0.1 (range 0.0-0.4 x10E3/uL)
Baso (Absolute) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.2 x10E3/uL)
Immature Granulocytes 0 (range 0-2 %)
Immature Grans (Abs) 0.0 (range 0.0-0.1 x10E3/uL)
Glucose, Serum 86 (range 65-99 mg/dL)
BUN 13 (range 6-20 mg/dL)
Creatinine, Serum 0.88 (range 0.76-1.27 mg/dL)
eGFR If NonAfricn Am 114 (range >59 mL/min/1.73)
BUN/Creatinine Ratio 15 (range 8-19)
Sodium, Serum 138 (range 134-144 mmol/L)
Chloride, Serum 100 (range 97-108 mmol/L)
Carbon Dioxide, Total 24 (range 19-28 mmol/L)
Calcium, Serum 9.6 (range 8.7-10.2 mg/dL BN
Protein, Total, Serum 7.8 (range 6.0-8.5 g/dL)
Albumin, Serum 4.6 (range 3.5-5.5 g/dL)
Globulin, Total 3.2 (range 1.5-4.5 g/dL)
A/G Ratio 1.4 (range 1.1-2.5)
Bilirubin, Total 0.4 (range 0.0-1.2 mg/dL)
Alkaline Phosphatase, S 80 (range 44-102 IU/L)
AST (SGOT) 18 (range 0-40 IU/L)
ALT (SGPT) 14 (range 0-44 IU/L)
And of course the more important ones:
Potassium, Serum 4.1 (range 3.5-5.2 mmol/L)
Testosterone, Serum 41 LOW (range 348-1197 ng/dL)
FSH 0.7 LOW (range 1.5-12.4 mIU/mL)
Estradiol 78.3 HIGH (range 7.6-42.6 pg/mL)
Keep in mind that this was tested as a male. All of these ranges are under the assumption of being male which doesn't help much. Still though, It's good to see where I'm at. I'm considering uping my dose to 225mg of spiro and 6mg of E per day. From what I understand, my T should be below 40 and my E should be somewhere between 120 - 200 which still needs to go up on.
Aside from all of that. I want to get started with laser hair removal on my face, but it's going to cost about $250 to do the full face if I use Groupon. I don't have that money to spare just yet. I'm trying to be more frugal so I can get started, but so far I haven't. It's looking more and more like I'm not going to be able to afford the trip to my parents place this Christmas. I'm not exactly thrilled to go in the first place, but I don't want some kind of pity party of people feeling bad that I'm all alone on Christmas. I really couldn't care less.
#012 - Lazy entries, doubts about "fake HRT pills" fading and concerns about coming out (HRT day 52)
Friday, August 23, 2013
So yeah I know, it's been almost a month since I last wrote here. So far I've been taking my HRT every day like I should. For the longest time I had serious doubts that it would work or even if the hormones I bought were even real. I thought I was getting scammed.
I think I was wrong which is a good thing. It started off gradually, but I'm starting to experience more emotional mood swings. I'm not really sure why or if it's even the cause of the mood swings. But I think I'm starting to become more emotional. I'll go from brooding to giggling to myself to smiling and back to sad then normal in the span of an hour or so. It's really hard to tell if it's the HRT or not. I am certainly feeling a lot less aggressive though. That is for sure. I still get annoyed by coworkers, enough to say something I probably shouldn't. But for the most part the aggressive feeling is mostly gone.
I need to go and take another picture of myself for comparison. I haven't done that in a while. Mostly because I haven't been shaving and I don't like how I look with facial hair. While on that subject, I think I may finally be ready for electrolysis. I think I'm now able to afford it sometime either this month or starting next. I may have to ask my supervisor if I can duck out of work early now and then.
So an interesting twist of events happened this week. I already told my sister about my transition and she was super supportive about it. She just came out to me about wanting to be a guy. I'm transitioning into a girl, she's considering transitioning into a guy, and we're both from the same religious conservative family whom we've mostly cut ties with. This has got to be a sitcom plot somehow because there's so much awkward revolving around this, it's scary.
My transition alone was going to be incredibly difficult to explain as is. Now that she's looking into it as well, it's going to really shake things up in a bad way. I'm financially stable on my own but I don't think she is. I'd have to ask.
Other than all that, not much is really going on. I'm trying to find the best way to tell my roommates but so far I haven't found the right way or time yet. My female roommate is always off either at work or at her boyfriends place. The male roommate is ALWAYS here, always on the couch, always watching wrestling, always drunk. I'm trying to think of the right way to tell him, if I even owe him that much. We don't fight or anything, but we also don't really get along either. If it wasn't for the fact that we were both in the Navy, He and I would have nothing to talk about between us.
I want to use the news article about Bradley Manning (now Chelsea Manning) as an ice breaker and a warmup for "The Talk", but he doesn't keep up with news of any kinds. He doesn't know who that is, nor much about politics and wikileaks in general. I wanted to talk to the female roommate first about it, but male roommate is ALWAYS there on the couch in the living room.
I almost came out to a coworker today. He's a pretty chill dude, but he's worried about secret bank finances he could exploit or if the government is shutting down or some apocalyptic thing or another. He doesn't rant or rave about it, he just calmly states what his opinion is on it (and yes, he does state that it's his opinion and not fact). Pretty rational and down to Earth for a conspiracy theorist. I broke the ice with him about Bradley Chelsea Manning and he said that's cool I guess. He didn't seem phased about it or anything. I was working out a way to tell him when he was called away to work on something else. That's how it usually goes.
So yeah I know, it's been almost a month since I last wrote here. So far I've been taking my HRT every day like I should. For the longest time I had serious doubts that it would work or even if the hormones I bought were even real. I thought I was getting scammed.
I think I was wrong which is a good thing. It started off gradually, but I'm starting to experience more emotional mood swings. I'm not really sure why or if it's even the cause of the mood swings. But I think I'm starting to become more emotional. I'll go from brooding to giggling to myself to smiling and back to sad then normal in the span of an hour or so. It's really hard to tell if it's the HRT or not. I am certainly feeling a lot less aggressive though. That is for sure. I still get annoyed by coworkers, enough to say something I probably shouldn't. But for the most part the aggressive feeling is mostly gone.
I need to go and take another picture of myself for comparison. I haven't done that in a while. Mostly because I haven't been shaving and I don't like how I look with facial hair. While on that subject, I think I may finally be ready for electrolysis. I think I'm now able to afford it sometime either this month or starting next. I may have to ask my supervisor if I can duck out of work early now and then.
So an interesting twist of events happened this week. I already told my sister about my transition and she was super supportive about it. She just came out to me about wanting to be a guy. I'm transitioning into a girl, she's considering transitioning into a guy, and we're both from the same religious conservative family whom we've mostly cut ties with. This has got to be a sitcom plot somehow because there's so much awkward revolving around this, it's scary.
My transition alone was going to be incredibly difficult to explain as is. Now that she's looking into it as well, it's going to really shake things up in a bad way. I'm financially stable on my own but I don't think she is. I'd have to ask.
Other than all that, not much is really going on. I'm trying to find the best way to tell my roommates but so far I haven't found the right way or time yet. My female roommate is always off either at work or at her boyfriends place. The male roommate is ALWAYS here, always on the couch, always watching wrestling, always drunk. I'm trying to think of the right way to tell him, if I even owe him that much. We don't fight or anything, but we also don't really get along either. If it wasn't for the fact that we were both in the Navy, He and I would have nothing to talk about between us.
I want to use the news article about Bradley Manning (now Chelsea Manning) as an ice breaker and a warmup for "The Talk", but he doesn't keep up with news of any kinds. He doesn't know who that is, nor much about politics and wikileaks in general. I wanted to talk to the female roommate first about it, but male roommate is ALWAYS there on the couch in the living room.
I almost came out to a coworker today. He's a pretty chill dude, but he's worried about secret bank finances he could exploit or if the government is shutting down or some apocalyptic thing or another. He doesn't rant or rave about it, he just calmly states what his opinion is on it (and yes, he does state that it's his opinion and not fact). Pretty rational and down to Earth for a conspiracy theorist. I broke the ice with him about Bradley Chelsea Manning and he said that's cool I guess. He didn't seem phased about it or anything. I was working out a way to tell him when he was called away to work on something else. That's how it usually goes.
#011 - Diet fail, adjusting down HRT and feeling lonely. (HRT day 29)
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Well look at that. I'm writing this at a decent time instead of the last second before falling asleep at night. So, I stopped taking my E pills. I'm still taking 200mg of spiro per day, but I just stopped with the progynova all together. I was getting the impression that it wasn't doing anything for me whatsoever. Plus I read somewhere that I should have started taking spiro for a while first before taking E. Not both at the same time and certainly not at full dose within weeks of starting.
I still feel a little tired from the spiro, but I think I'm adjusting. It kinda feels like jetlag though it's getting better. I actually quit E three days ago and I don't plan on starting again until sometime early next month. I'm convinced that the "effects" I thought I was feeling from E were made up. Stuff I wanted to believe was caused by the hormones, but couldn't definitively say it was. I could be crazy or whatever, but I'm putting my foot down on this. No more E until early next month. Then I'll start up again.
I've been cheating on my diet lately. I've started eating junk food again including my kriptonite, monster energy drinks. Not as much as I was before my diet. Those days were truly awful. Heartburn so bad I couldn't sleep ten minutes without waking up with a powerful urge to throw up.
I've also been skipping workouts too. I dunno, I think I'm starting to slip or something. Before I enlisted in the Navy, I led an awful lifestyle. Gluttony, isolation, lazy, poor hygiene, zero motivation, depression, bad financial management and an alarming addiction to world of warcraft. It was a bad couple of years.
Bootcamp was especially rough for me but in retrospect I'm rather grateful for that swift kick in the ass. Now that I'm out, I fear I might be slipping into old bad habits again.
I still haven't met another trans person in real life yet. Just online text interactions. I'm not the kind of person that makes friends easily nor have I ever "fit in" well. I always feel like I'm wearing a disguise when around others, and they see it too but are too polite to call me out. I have traded emails with people I met on Craigslist, but all sorts of red flags went up in my head when they wanted to meet me in person... at their house... at night... alone.
I tried meetup, but there are no trans groups and a very small number of LGBT groups. All of which seem to be inactive. I hate the thought of going into this alone, but I'm strong and I own a shotgun so I'll manage.
Well look at that. I'm writing this at a decent time instead of the last second before falling asleep at night. So, I stopped taking my E pills. I'm still taking 200mg of spiro per day, but I just stopped with the progynova all together. I was getting the impression that it wasn't doing anything for me whatsoever. Plus I read somewhere that I should have started taking spiro for a while first before taking E. Not both at the same time and certainly not at full dose within weeks of starting.
I still feel a little tired from the spiro, but I think I'm adjusting. It kinda feels like jetlag though it's getting better. I actually quit E three days ago and I don't plan on starting again until sometime early next month. I'm convinced that the "effects" I thought I was feeling from E were made up. Stuff I wanted to believe was caused by the hormones, but couldn't definitively say it was. I could be crazy or whatever, but I'm putting my foot down on this. No more E until early next month. Then I'll start up again.
I've been cheating on my diet lately. I've started eating junk food again including my kriptonite, monster energy drinks. Not as much as I was before my diet. Those days were truly awful. Heartburn so bad I couldn't sleep ten minutes without waking up with a powerful urge to throw up.
I've also been skipping workouts too. I dunno, I think I'm starting to slip or something. Before I enlisted in the Navy, I led an awful lifestyle. Gluttony, isolation, lazy, poor hygiene, zero motivation, depression, bad financial management and an alarming addiction to world of warcraft. It was a bad couple of years.
Bootcamp was especially rough for me but in retrospect I'm rather grateful for that swift kick in the ass. Now that I'm out, I fear I might be slipping into old bad habits again.
I still haven't met another trans person in real life yet. Just online text interactions. I'm not the kind of person that makes friends easily nor have I ever "fit in" well. I always feel like I'm wearing a disguise when around others, and they see it too but are too polite to call me out. I have traded emails with people I met on Craigslist, but all sorts of red flags went up in my head when they wanted to meet me in person... at their house... at night... alone.
I tried meetup, but there are no trans groups and a very small number of LGBT groups. All of which seem to be inactive. I hate the thought of going into this alone, but I'm strong and I own a shotgun so I'll manage.
#010 - Changes so far plus amazingly real SRS dream (HRT day 23)
Thursday, July 25 2013
I'm really bad at keeping up with these entries. Always putting it off until just before bed and by then I'm usually too tired to write. So today is officially the third week of HRT. Changes so far are thus:
I'm daydreaming at work a lot less. It's hard to explain. When I'm at work doing some physical task, my brain is off thinking about a movie or tv show, often interjecting myself into the plot as a superhero, a character or whatever (don't judge me, ya'll do it too). I haven't been doing that for over a week now which is strange. I did that all the time when I was in grade school and in the military. Off in my own little world. I guess I don't feel the need to do that anymore.
Other than that, nothing else seems to have changed. I'm not getting emotional. My skin *seems* to be slightly softer, but that could be my imagination. My body weight is staying within 185 to 190 lbs. Not really going up or down, just staying within that area. Many of my tight arm and leg muscles seem to be all flabby and jelly like. Whether that's from the hormones or from lack of muscle building I cannot say. I've been deliberately avoiding lifting heavy things (not an easy task at my job since all I do is move things around).
I want to get this written down as it's still semi fresh in my memory. Yesterday night I had an incredibly vivid dream. It was about getting SRS surgery. I was in the operating room and talking with the doctor. The doctor was going over the procedure and reassuring me that it's a relatively easy process and I've got nothing to worry about. I wasn't worried or anxious at all though. In fact I felt a deep calm about it, almost a relief with some anticipation.
Dreams are dreams and all, but this one seemed VERY real. I didn't know I was dreaming, it just felt so real which took me by surprise when I woke up. It's like I jumped forward in time and was experiencing the future, then jumping back to my bed and my alarm clock. While I still have my doubts as to the effects of the HRT, or even if they're real pills, that dream gave me a piece of mind that I never knew before.
Anyways, it's late, again. Procrastination seems to be the word of the month. I'm going to be looking at my budget to see if I can start electrolysis on my beard soon.
I'm really bad at keeping up with these entries. Always putting it off until just before bed and by then I'm usually too tired to write. So today is officially the third week of HRT. Changes so far are thus:
- Increased appetite for salty foods.
- Irritability.
- Laziness.
- Flabbiness where there used to be tight muscle.
- Moments of spaceyness (if that's a word).
- Tiredness with frequent naps in the day.
I'm daydreaming at work a lot less. It's hard to explain. When I'm at work doing some physical task, my brain is off thinking about a movie or tv show, often interjecting myself into the plot as a superhero, a character or whatever (don't judge me, ya'll do it too). I haven't been doing that for over a week now which is strange. I did that all the time when I was in grade school and in the military. Off in my own little world. I guess I don't feel the need to do that anymore.
Other than that, nothing else seems to have changed. I'm not getting emotional. My skin *seems* to be slightly softer, but that could be my imagination. My body weight is staying within 185 to 190 lbs. Not really going up or down, just staying within that area. Many of my tight arm and leg muscles seem to be all flabby and jelly like. Whether that's from the hormones or from lack of muscle building I cannot say. I've been deliberately avoiding lifting heavy things (not an easy task at my job since all I do is move things around).
I want to get this written down as it's still semi fresh in my memory. Yesterday night I had an incredibly vivid dream. It was about getting SRS surgery. I was in the operating room and talking with the doctor. The doctor was going over the procedure and reassuring me that it's a relatively easy process and I've got nothing to worry about. I wasn't worried or anxious at all though. In fact I felt a deep calm about it, almost a relief with some anticipation.
Dreams are dreams and all, but this one seemed VERY real. I didn't know I was dreaming, it just felt so real which took me by surprise when I woke up. It's like I jumped forward in time and was experiencing the future, then jumping back to my bed and my alarm clock. While I still have my doubts as to the effects of the HRT, or even if they're real pills, that dream gave me a piece of mind that I never knew before.
Anyways, it's late, again. Procrastination seems to be the word of the month. I'm going to be looking at my budget to see if I can start electrolysis on my beard soon.
#009 - Feeling jipped, traded my laptop for a tablet, and purchased a DIY Laser Hair Removal Kit (HRT day 19)
Sunday, July 21, 2013
So it's been about two and a half weeks since I started HRT and to be honest I'm a little worried. Worried that I might have been ripped off on these hormone pills. What changes I have seen so far are minor and can be attributed to just about anything. No mood swings at all except for getting really pissed off at work. Mostly because of fellow coworkers acting inconsiderately and completely stupid.
In fact, the only major effect I've experienced so far is increased appetite and tiredness. Very very tired actually. I've taken two naps today and I'm tempted to call it a night early just to get more sleep. I've got to get some blood work done to see where my hormone levels are at. I'm guessing my T levels are down low and my E levels are also low.
I dunno. Maybe I'm just super impatient.
Work these past couple of weeks has been good. I'm getting plenty of overtime which couldn't have come at a better time. I'm getting double billed by the state of Virginia for vehicle property tax from two different cities. Neither of which will recognize the others bill and thus they're both valid.
I recently traded one of my old laptops I never use for an Android tablet. The owner thought I was a sucker but honestly I never use that laptop. It stayed in the closet for months without ever being touched. The tablet is pretty cool. It's a 32gb with a memory expansion card. I use this thing almost every day and I love it. Plus it's portable so I take it everywhere. It's so much easier to just walk downstairs and flop on the couch than set up my laptop, mouse, power cord and headphones.
Anyways, some time ago I bought a device on eBay called a Silk'n Epilator or whatever it's called. I tested it on my arms thinking it's stupid, but it actually worked. Now I have square spots on my arms where there's little to no hair. Looks strange.
So it's been about two and a half weeks since I started HRT and to be honest I'm a little worried. Worried that I might have been ripped off on these hormone pills. What changes I have seen so far are minor and can be attributed to just about anything. No mood swings at all except for getting really pissed off at work. Mostly because of fellow coworkers acting inconsiderately and completely stupid.
In fact, the only major effect I've experienced so far is increased appetite and tiredness. Very very tired actually. I've taken two naps today and I'm tempted to call it a night early just to get more sleep. I've got to get some blood work done to see where my hormone levels are at. I'm guessing my T levels are down low and my E levels are also low.
I dunno. Maybe I'm just super impatient.
Work these past couple of weeks has been good. I'm getting plenty of overtime which couldn't have come at a better time. I'm getting double billed by the state of Virginia for vehicle property tax from two different cities. Neither of which will recognize the others bill and thus they're both valid.
I recently traded one of my old laptops I never use for an Android tablet. The owner thought I was a sucker but honestly I never use that laptop. It stayed in the closet for months without ever being touched. The tablet is pretty cool. It's a 32gb with a memory expansion card. I use this thing almost every day and I love it. Plus it's portable so I take it everywhere. It's so much easier to just walk downstairs and flop on the couch than set up my laptop, mouse, power cord and headphones.
Anyways, some time ago I bought a device on eBay called a Silk'n Epilator or whatever it's called. I tested it on my arms thinking it's stupid, but it actually worked. Now I have square spots on my arms where there's little to no hair. Looks strange.
#008 - A shorty. Feeling blah (HRT day 10)
Friday, July 12, 2013
So it's just been over a week now since I started HRT. I got a bit impatient and started my full dose of 200mg of spiro and 4mg of E. So far it seems ok, but I've been getting mild headaches as well as some chest pain. Not bad chest pain, barely noticeable, but enough to be mildly concerned about. Before my diet I used to get really bad heartburn. So bad that I couldn't sleep and would throw up often. This chest pain feeling is very reminiscent of that even though I haven't experienced heartburn since starting my diet. I'm also finding myself winded all the time. I need to get some blood work done asap.
Other than that, nothing really seems to have changed. I've read up on the first week being mostly uneventful which is what I think. What has changed so far is my right nipple areola has gotten a little larger. Not by much, but it's noticeably larger than the left. Still no sensitivity though.
My testicles have also noticeably shrank. They're about 70% the size they used to be. My sex drive seems to be still the same though. It's late tonight and I wanted to add more, but I'm literally falling asleep as I write this. Maybe tomorrow.
So it's just been over a week now since I started HRT. I got a bit impatient and started my full dose of 200mg of spiro and 4mg of E. So far it seems ok, but I've been getting mild headaches as well as some chest pain. Not bad chest pain, barely noticeable, but enough to be mildly concerned about. Before my diet I used to get really bad heartburn. So bad that I couldn't sleep and would throw up often. This chest pain feeling is very reminiscent of that even though I haven't experienced heartburn since starting my diet. I'm also finding myself winded all the time. I need to get some blood work done asap.
Other than that, nothing really seems to have changed. I've read up on the first week being mostly uneventful which is what I think. What has changed so far is my right nipple areola has gotten a little larger. Not by much, but it's noticeably larger than the left. Still no sensitivity though.
My testicles have also noticeably shrank. They're about 70% the size they used to be. My sex drive seems to be still the same though. It's late tonight and I wanted to add more, but I'm literally falling asleep as I write this. Maybe tomorrow.
#007 - Breaking diet, upping HRT dosage and laziness in blogging. (HRT day 5)
Sunday, July 07, 2013
So I initially had the thought that I would write in this diary every day about my thoughts and experiences. I also thought I would take a picture a day and a signature a day to document every little thing about my transition. I gotta say that didn't work out. That's a LOT of effort to keep up on and remember. I'm far too busy/lazy to do that.
I recently up'ed my dosage of spiro and E to 100mg and 2mg per day. Far sooner than expected. I really just wanted to start E on the forth of July because it's an easy date to remember when this all officially started. I wanted to start on my birthday, June 15th, but there was a problem with the online pharmacy I ordered from. InternationalDrugMart turned out to be a total scam and I had to file a charge-back to get my money back. They refused to send what I paid for and refused to give me my money back.
Currently I'm holding to that dosage, but the temptation to raise it is always on my mind. Most DIY girls stick to a dosage of 200mg and 4mg, but I'm only doing half that to start. I'm not sure when I want to reach that. Maybe by the end of this month. I want to start cycling the Provera on the 1st of August.
So far DIY seems to be ok. It's only been three days so far, but the only changes I've experienced are mild to weak headaches and mild acne on my arms. My body weight has dropped down to 188 lbs which is good since I started at 210 lbs. I don't attribute the loss to the hormones. It's only been three days, geez. Nope, it's just working out at the gym consistently and eating mostly right.
Speaking of which, lately I've been splurging a little more on my diet. Today I had Taco Bell for lunch and a soda. Not happy about it since yesterday I had a monster energy drink and some candy. Those energy drinks seem to be my go-to food for comfort when I have a bad or mediocre day.
I still hold onto hope that this HRT and weight loss will all work out in the end. It's seems very easy to get impatient with all of this. Still, 20 lbs loss in one month isn't bad at all. I don't really see it in the mirror though. I still have a muffin top and I'm still really concerned that my shoulder mass won't shrink enough to pass. Time will tell I guess.
So I initially had the thought that I would write in this diary every day about my thoughts and experiences. I also thought I would take a picture a day and a signature a day to document every little thing about my transition. I gotta say that didn't work out. That's a LOT of effort to keep up on and remember. I'm far too busy/lazy to do that.
I recently up'ed my dosage of spiro and E to 100mg and 2mg per day. Far sooner than expected. I really just wanted to start E on the forth of July because it's an easy date to remember when this all officially started. I wanted to start on my birthday, June 15th, but there was a problem with the online pharmacy I ordered from. InternationalDrugMart turned out to be a total scam and I had to file a charge-back to get my money back. They refused to send what I paid for and refused to give me my money back.
Currently I'm holding to that dosage, but the temptation to raise it is always on my mind. Most DIY girls stick to a dosage of 200mg and 4mg, but I'm only doing half that to start. I'm not sure when I want to reach that. Maybe by the end of this month. I want to start cycling the Provera on the 1st of August.
So far DIY seems to be ok. It's only been three days so far, but the only changes I've experienced are mild to weak headaches and mild acne on my arms. My body weight has dropped down to 188 lbs which is good since I started at 210 lbs. I don't attribute the loss to the hormones. It's only been three days, geez. Nope, it's just working out at the gym consistently and eating mostly right.
Speaking of which, lately I've been splurging a little more on my diet. Today I had Taco Bell for lunch and a soda. Not happy about it since yesterday I had a monster energy drink and some candy. Those energy drinks seem to be my go-to food for comfort when I have a bad or mediocre day.
I still hold onto hope that this HRT and weight loss will all work out in the end. It's seems very easy to get impatient with all of this. Still, 20 lbs loss in one month isn't bad at all. I don't really see it in the mirror though. I still have a muffin top and I'm still really concerned that my shoulder mass won't shrink enough to pass. Time will tell I guess.
#006 - HRT day one! Came out to Sister #1, plus pics (HRT day 1)
Wednesday, July 03, 2013
Today my order from inhousepharmacy came in the mail. About a week sooner than expected. In full honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Scared of all the unknowns. Mostly scared that it won't work or I won't be able to ever pass. Scared that I'm too old and starting too late. Scared that I'll get fired from my job or kicked out of my house by the landlord. Scared that my family will reject me. Just... scared of all the unknowns.
I came out to my sister who's really into the LGBT community and an activist. She didn't reply much except that my decision is "freaking awesome". She even asked me what other name I will be going by. Took me by surprise a little, but I think I'm going to keep it simple. My real name passes for both male and female names. I'm also considering a few variations of my name just so it doesn't sound so foreign.
Anyways, the pills I ordered are sitting right in front of me and I'm still hesitant. Got a bottle of water here as well as a written schedule for how much to take and when to ramp up the dose. I'm starting slow with just 50mg of Spiro per day. After a little while of this I'm going to ramp up to 100mg per day and 2mg of E. Right now I'm just staring at the package with a blank stare.
My hair is a mess though. It's going through an ugly phase of not being long enough to style yet too long to keep it neat. I've started collecting pictures of myself from the past (aren't all pictures of you from the past?) Told my mom that my girlfriend wanted to see pictures of me when I was younger (a complete lie of course). They're going into a transition video one day.
BTW here are a few:
And of course, my first picture of HRT:
Today my order from inhousepharmacy came in the mail. About a week sooner than expected. In full honesty I'm scared out of my mind. Scared of all the unknowns. Mostly scared that it won't work or I won't be able to ever pass. Scared that I'm too old and starting too late. Scared that I'll get fired from my job or kicked out of my house by the landlord. Scared that my family will reject me. Just... scared of all the unknowns.
I came out to my sister who's really into the LGBT community and an activist. She didn't reply much except that my decision is "freaking awesome". She even asked me what other name I will be going by. Took me by surprise a little, but I think I'm going to keep it simple. My real name passes for both male and female names. I'm also considering a few variations of my name just so it doesn't sound so foreign.
Anyways, the pills I ordered are sitting right in front of me and I'm still hesitant. Got a bottle of water here as well as a written schedule for how much to take and when to ramp up the dose. I'm starting slow with just 50mg of Spiro per day. After a little while of this I'm going to ramp up to 100mg per day and 2mg of E. Right now I'm just staring at the package with a blank stare.
My hair is a mess though. It's going through an ugly phase of not being long enough to style yet too long to keep it neat. I've started collecting pictures of myself from the past (aren't all pictures of you from the past?) Told my mom that my girlfriend wanted to see pictures of me when I was younger (a complete lie of course). They're going into a transition video one day.
BTW here are a few:
And of course, my first picture of HRT:
(Pic of HRT Day 1)
(Don't judge my pudgy face, lol)
#005 - Problems ordering DIY HRT. (pre HRT)
Wednesday, June 26, 2013
So I haven't written in a while. My motivation for working out and eating right has been a bit shaky. I'm not splurging, but now and then I'll break my diet and eat something unhealthy like chinese food or drink a monster.
Recently I placed an order with an online pharmacy called International Drug Mart. Right after I learned my lesson never to order from these people again. They made it quite clear they're not going to send me what I paid for nor will they refund my money. I threatened them with a bank chargeback and they changed their tune. I still haven't received my money back and am a little ticked off. They were supposed to refund two days ago.
I can't start the chargeback process until the first of July which is annoying. I have another order placed with Inhousepharmacy.biz and so far they seem legit. Lots of recommendations with this online pharmacy.
I'm strongly considering going on a water diet. It's where I drink nothing but water and eat nothing. It's basically starvation and the water is supposed to suppress hunger pains. A bit drastic, but I'm really worried the muscle on my shoulders and my love handles will become a huge problem after starting hormones. It's only going to be for two weeks at most I think. I tried starving several times before, but temptation and old habits kicked in without me being aware. The next thing I knew I was eating a bowl of noodles and shouting "Damnit!"
So I haven't written in a while. My motivation for working out and eating right has been a bit shaky. I'm not splurging, but now and then I'll break my diet and eat something unhealthy like chinese food or drink a monster.
Recently I placed an order with an online pharmacy called International Drug Mart. Right after I learned my lesson never to order from these people again. They made it quite clear they're not going to send me what I paid for nor will they refund my money. I threatened them with a bank chargeback and they changed their tune. I still haven't received my money back and am a little ticked off. They were supposed to refund two days ago.
I can't start the chargeback process until the first of July which is annoying. I have another order placed with Inhousepharmacy.biz and so far they seem legit. Lots of recommendations with this online pharmacy.
I'm strongly considering going on a water diet. It's where I drink nothing but water and eat nothing. It's basically starvation and the water is supposed to suppress hunger pains. A bit drastic, but I'm really worried the muscle on my shoulders and my love handles will become a huge problem after starting hormones. It's only going to be for two weeks at most I think. I tried starving several times before, but temptation and old habits kicked in without me being aware. The next thing I knew I was eating a bowl of noodles and shouting "Damnit!"
#004 - Short entry. Still have concerns about passing (pre HRT)
Wednesday, May 29, 2013
I still have so many unknown questions to deal with. I don't know how I'm going to afford SRS or any of the surgeries I want to get. I don't know how I'm going to come out to my family either. I don't talk to them much and maybe see them once a year on Christmas. I really don't want to just show up one Christmas and say "Hi guys, nice to see you. By the way, as you can see, I'm a girl now".
I'm still sticking to my diet faithfully. I've only worked out twice since I started which sucks. Working night shift gets in the way of working out. I'm trying to not be lazy about it and my drive to reach my goal is still burning hot. A coworker suggested I check out Planet Fitness since they're open 24/7 and they're cheap.
I'm currently switching jobs and schedules so that's going to complicate things.
I still have so many unknown questions to deal with. I don't know how I'm going to afford SRS or any of the surgeries I want to get. I don't know how I'm going to come out to my family either. I don't talk to them much and maybe see them once a year on Christmas. I really don't want to just show up one Christmas and say "Hi guys, nice to see you. By the way, as you can see, I'm a girl now".
I'm still sticking to my diet faithfully. I've only worked out twice since I started which sucks. Working night shift gets in the way of working out. I'm trying to not be lazy about it and my drive to reach my goal is still burning hot. A coworker suggested I check out Planet Fitness since they're open 24/7 and they're cheap.
I'm currently switching jobs and schedules so that's going to complicate things.
#003 - Still no HRT, plus diet stuff and possibly oil field money (pre HRT)
Tuesday, May 28, 2013
I've been sticking to the diet since the 24th without break. I feel great, I'm not tired all the time, I'm in a happier mood. I wouldn't say I have more energy but I definitely have a solid goal to work towards and I'm doing the best I can to reach it. It's the first goal in my life that I've ever gave a damn about. So far I've worked out two days in a row which is a start. Nothing major. Just an hour light run around the neighborhood at night (it's cooler at night). It's not a full run but more of a brisk walk followed by a light run and repeat. I don't want to overdo it.
I want to lose about 70 pounds and drop down to 140lbs. I've never been that weight in my entire life and I'm curious if it's even possible.
I don't even want to look at the bathroom scale right now. Not until a full week of workout and diet has passed. I'm still tempted by all sorts of junk food and such. I've never noticed before, but we're bombarded by food ads all day and night. It's everywhere. I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and saw that little mini fridge next to the cashier. Full of monster energy drinks (my long time weakness). I used to drink three or four per day. I had to look away to resist temptation, lol the cashier thought I was just being shy or something.
I spoke with my mom (which btw I haven't come out to anyone yet) about the family oil fields. My family owns a couple of acres of land as well as the mineral rights. Several oil companies have come to us wanting to frack the land and in exchange we keep about 18% of all the profits they make off of it (estimated 5 million dollars per year). I know I know, fracking is bad for the environment and all, but that money could go a very long way to help with transition.
I was hoping that they'd have started drilling by now but they haven't. I'm worried that if I come out to my family about my transition, they'd cut me off, emotionally and financially. I don't care too much emotionally, I was never close to my family. Financially I really REALLY could use that money so I play nice with them even though I generally don't like them. Not hate, that's too strong of a word. Dislike feels like a better word. They gave me such an unnecessarily hard time when I was growing up.
If I do manage to grab a chunk of that oil money, I'm hoping it'll be large. I'd go to school full time, complete my transition including FFS and SRS, pay off all my debts, get a place of my own, and donate what I can to others who are financially struggling with their transition. I'm playing in the lottery now and then. Not going crazy and buying large numbers of tickets, but one or two a week seems like a moderate amount (there's two drawings every week). Cross your fingers for me, mine are exhausted from crossing.
I've been sticking to the diet since the 24th without break. I feel great, I'm not tired all the time, I'm in a happier mood. I wouldn't say I have more energy but I definitely have a solid goal to work towards and I'm doing the best I can to reach it. It's the first goal in my life that I've ever gave a damn about. So far I've worked out two days in a row which is a start. Nothing major. Just an hour light run around the neighborhood at night (it's cooler at night). It's not a full run but more of a brisk walk followed by a light run and repeat. I don't want to overdo it.
I want to lose about 70 pounds and drop down to 140lbs. I've never been that weight in my entire life and I'm curious if it's even possible.
I don't even want to look at the bathroom scale right now. Not until a full week of workout and diet has passed. I'm still tempted by all sorts of junk food and such. I've never noticed before, but we're bombarded by food ads all day and night. It's everywhere. I was in the checkout line at the grocery store and saw that little mini fridge next to the cashier. Full of monster energy drinks (my long time weakness). I used to drink three or four per day. I had to look away to resist temptation, lol the cashier thought I was just being shy or something.
I spoke with my mom (which btw I haven't come out to anyone yet) about the family oil fields. My family owns a couple of acres of land as well as the mineral rights. Several oil companies have come to us wanting to frack the land and in exchange we keep about 18% of all the profits they make off of it (estimated 5 million dollars per year). I know I know, fracking is bad for the environment and all, but that money could go a very long way to help with transition.
I was hoping that they'd have started drilling by now but they haven't. I'm worried that if I come out to my family about my transition, they'd cut me off, emotionally and financially. I don't care too much emotionally, I was never close to my family. Financially I really REALLY could use that money so I play nice with them even though I generally don't like them. Not hate, that's too strong of a word. Dislike feels like a better word. They gave me such an unnecessarily hard time when I was growing up.
If I do manage to grab a chunk of that oil money, I'm hoping it'll be large. I'd go to school full time, complete my transition including FFS and SRS, pay off all my debts, get a place of my own, and donate what I can to others who are financially struggling with their transition. I'm playing in the lottery now and then. Not going crazy and buying large numbers of tickets, but one or two a week seems like a moderate amount (there's two drawings every week). Cross your fingers for me, mine are exhausted from crossing.
#002 - Pre HRT, diet and concerns. (pre HRT)
Friday, May 24, 2013
First day of dieting. I stopped drinking soda, energy drinks, coffee and that sort of thing. Just plain water and I have a raging headache. I also stopped making twice daily trips to 7/11. Used to load up armfuls of junk food and spend all day eating and playing on my computer. Current weight is 208lbs.
I've decided to start writing a log of everything I'm going through all the way up to HRT and beyond. Maybe someone else who's on the fence about transitioning will find it inspiring. I mostly find it way too personal to share but whatever. I'm not using my real name.
I'm still browsing Reddit and finding help, a place to find necessary resources, and all around inspiration. I never thought it was even possible to make a full transition. I still have my doubts. What if I come out unchanged afterwards? What if I still look like a guy?
The subreddit /r/transtimelines is a HUGE inspiration for me. That was the turning point from all of this being an unreachable dream to tuck away forever to actually taking charge and reaching for it.
Plus Youtube has been a great inspiration as well. Users like minorqback, SamanthaZero34, casey4441, and princessjoules (who is way over the top girly and cute) have all been inspirational and informative in their videos.
First day of dieting. I stopped drinking soda, energy drinks, coffee and that sort of thing. Just plain water and I have a raging headache. I also stopped making twice daily trips to 7/11. Used to load up armfuls of junk food and spend all day eating and playing on my computer. Current weight is 208lbs.
I've decided to start writing a log of everything I'm going through all the way up to HRT and beyond. Maybe someone else who's on the fence about transitioning will find it inspiring. I mostly find it way too personal to share but whatever. I'm not using my real name.
I'm still browsing Reddit and finding help, a place to find necessary resources, and all around inspiration. I never thought it was even possible to make a full transition. I still have my doubts. What if I come out unchanged afterwards? What if I still look like a guy?
The subreddit /r/transtimelines is a HUGE inspiration for me. That was the turning point from all of this being an unreachable dream to tuck away forever to actually taking charge and reaching for it.
Plus Youtube has been a great inspiration as well. Users like minorqback, SamanthaZero34, casey4441, and princessjoules (who is way over the top girly and cute) have all been inspirational and informative in their videos.
#001 - Preface And Other Stuff.
So I've been keeping a personal journal of my MtF transition journey for a while now. I don't write as much as I used to when I first started, but I do still make entries every other week or so. But anyways, I've decided to take that journal and make it public. I hope it helps others who are either considering or are going through a transition as I am.
It's full of my mistakes, fears, concerns, stupidity, musings, rants and general progress. By no means am I an expert on transitioning nor do I claim to be. I trip and stumble blindly like everyone else. Everyone needs to figure shit out on their own and this blog is my attempt.
I want to keep my personal identity and info off of this blog. That may turn out to be impossible as anyone who does anything on the internet can be found. That's fine, I'm sure my real name found its way in somewhere. Just don't go seeking me out in real life without permission. That's creepy.
It's full of my mistakes, fears, concerns, stupidity, musings, rants and general progress. By no means am I an expert on transitioning nor do I claim to be. I trip and stumble blindly like everyone else. Everyone needs to figure shit out on their own and this blog is my attempt.
I want to keep my personal identity and info off of this blog. That may turn out to be impossible as anyone who does anything on the internet can be found. That's fine, I'm sure my real name found its way in somewhere. Just don't go seeking me out in real life without permission. That's creepy.
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