Sunday, November 10, 2013
So I've been broke for a while now and I just got paid... and now I'm broke again. It all went straight out to bills and stuff. Not as broke as last week, I went grocery shopping so I wouldn't have to starve again (honestly it wasn't as bad as I thought it would've been).
Lately it just seems that life is at a standstill. Nothing new or exciting is happening. Haven't seen any new movies. Haven't played any new video games. Haven't read any new books. Nothing of note is going on at work. It's just been a "blah" couple of weeks. Plans to save money have fizzled out so far because of piled up bills.
Oh and I just got a new bill in the mail. Seems I wasn't finished repaying my enlistment bonus back after all. I still owe about $500 which sucks. I thought I was finished but I guess not. One day they just stopped sending me bills in the mail and whenever I called, nobody knew the status of said bill. Now 7 months later I receive a "FINAL NOTICE!!!" collections letter which I find strange. They had my phone number and mailing address this whole time and nobody bothered to inquire in all that time? Whatever I guess.
I finally got Brother #1 to create a Facebook account. Took him forever to do so and recently he caved. Our conversation via Facebook was really long and touched a LOT of different subjects. We were basically just catching up. Anyways, here's the more relevant parts of that conversation:
(BTW I have two brothers + three sisters and I don't want to name them on this blog. I'm just numbering them based on birth order, not counting myself since I'm the oldest)
Brother #1: Facebook is weird. none of this is intuitive.
Me: You get used to it. It's a hell of a lot better than twitter. It's also better on smartphones.
Brother #1: I am definitely not putting it on my smartphone. That's my work phone. Also fyi my keyboard is FUBAR so if I type and I am missing letters that's why
Me: lol ok. A likely excuse
Me: Btw... 172lbs and still falling :-P
(we've discussed weight loss tips in the past, but he refuses to give up all those sugary drinks)
Brother #1: Congrats! I can now bench press you :-)
Me: I'm going for around 140'ish
Brother #1: Yeah that's crazy skinny
Me: I've lost so much muscle mass already. Getting a bit skinny everywhere.
Brother #1: Hey on a more serious note...
(long pause)
Me: Question mark?
Brother #1: Mom told me about what's been going on with you. I just want you to know that I am really proud of you. That probably sounds weird coming from your younger brother. I am assuming that's what you meant when you made that Facebook post about writing a very hard letter.
Brother #1: I swear I can type fast... stupid keyboard...
Me: lol chubby fingers. But yeah, I've tried so very hard to be "normal" but it wasn't working.
Brother #1: No it's a big step to take and it takes courage to follow through with that. You recognized it and didn't continue to keep it to yourself or hide it so I really respect that.
(I teared up a bit as I was pulling this conversation off my phone and typing it here in this blog)
Brother #1: And I'm not chubby, I am big boned :-D
Me: lol sure. But yeah, 6 months of seeing a therapist and 4 months so far on prescription. Changes have been super awkward and amazing at the same time.
(That's a lie BTW. I haven't seen a therapist and my HRT was not prescribed by a doctor. I'm not proud about that lie, but it's the best way I know to calm any concerns they have. It sounds a whole hell of a lot better than admitting that I'm DIY'ing. Plus next year I'll actually be on official doctor prescribed HRT)
Me: Also, I'm trying to avoid talking to [Sister in Law]. She and I are pretty much on opposite spectrums of politics, except guns.
Brother #1: Yeah I can't even imagine. Mom actually was kind of weird about it when she told me. She was worried that Kathryn and I would freak out or something. She told me to think about it for a couple of days on "how to present the information to [Sister in Law] in a way that would be the best received by her as to not shock her". I got off the phone, turned to [Sister in Law] and told her, and it was like "Oh, ok"
(The rest of the very long conversation has nothing to do with the topic of this blog so I cut it. Plus it's VERY long. We touched on choice of guns, bitcoins, military service, politics, religion, bug-out bags, and on and on).
Brother #1 is only about a year younger than I am and I've always been sort of jealous at how well he's doing. He owns his own house, he has several kids, married, multiple cars, a good paying job. And here I am, the eldest sibling, struggling to buy a pack of ramen noodles. Of course, he was always considered the favorite child, it wasn't a secret or anything. My parents HATED me with a spiteful passion. When I was under their roof we fought night and day, every day. Sometimes it came to physical blows.
They never really understood what I was going through. They just thought I was being a rebellious little shit with anger management issues. It wasn't until recently when I came out all the puzzle pieces fit together. They now know what I was going through at the time. They know the hell I went through at church, at school and at home. What they don't know, and I'm not sure if I want to tell them, is how close I came to ending it all.
Should probably toss in a trigger warning here or something. Also there's some personal bitching and whining. A bit of a pity party too, but whatever, fuck you it's my blog.
I pretty much knew something was wrong since about 7 or 8 years old. A lot of trans folks think it's a prerequisite to know you're trans that early in life, but I don't think it's that common. From everything I've read, most trans people don't know it or even question it until later in life. For some, much later in life.
But back on topic, I also knew I had to hide these feelings. The church would go on and on about how evil and filthy "those" kinds of people are. School mates loved to single out and bully LGBT kids mercilessly. Parents weren't exactly the loving supportive type... at all. I had to hide and bury it to survive.
I struggled to fit in and be "normal". I tried to get into hobbies that other boys liked. I tried liking girls. And yes, I even tried looking at porn (don't judge me, I had zero guidance). Parents caught me and freaked out. They hauled my butt down to the church and forced me into having a confessional with the bishop. Mom wasn't allowed to be involved in said confessional, despite her insistence.
I broke down and told the bishop everything. How I felt I was broken. How I felt I wasn't the right gender. How filthy and horrible I felt just walking into the church. After I let it all out, he gave me advice that he waned me to follow. Advice, looking back on it now, was quite possibly the worst I've ever heard.
He told me that the reason why I felt this was because the devil is trying to confuse me. I need to work extra hard on burying these feelings. I need to work extra hard to like girls and to be a normal boy. I can't give in to this filth or I'll go to hell and burn for all eternity.
I didn't know any better, and this was the pre-internet age. I blindly followed his advice to the best I could. In retrospect, it has caused me so much grief and anguish. I wish I could go back in time and punch that asshole's lights out.
Anyways, I went along with that advice for years. Repressing it, bottling it up, trying so very hard to be normal. Every relationship I've had with a woman always ended within a couple of months max and it always ended badly.
And it only got worse. I'd lie in bed at night crying and praying for God to fix me. Eventually it devolved into praying for God to take my life because I didn't want to live anymore. My finances suffered, hygiene suffered, social life suffered, health suffered, faith completely gone.
Then one day I just stopped getting out of bed. I called in sick for the entire week and just laid in bed almost the entire time staring at the ceiling. I came to the end where I was thinking on a plan to take my life. In the back of my mind I didn't want to die, not really. But I had nothing left to live for. No hopes or dreams or aspirations.
I left the ultimate decision in the fate of a coin toss. Yeah, really. My life was so worthless and without meaning that I left it up to a coin toss. Heads I'd go off and join the military, because how much worse could it be than things are now? Tails I'd heavily overdose on sleeping pills and alcohol. Just go to sleep and not wake up.
(Sorry, I keep stopping and starting this blog entry. I'm having a hard time writing this. Painful memories and all).
So yeah, it came up heads which sort of threw me by surprise. I had already made peace with things and set up arrangements for my personal belongings to be given away. I emailed the nearest Navy recruiter and that weekend I came in to sign the enlistment papers.
My recruiter was even a bit taken back by how little enlisting phased me, and how he didn't have to sell me on the whole military thing. I just walked in, exchanged pleasantries, and asked to sign right then and there.
I should probably end this blog entry now. My time in the military could fill several entries on its own as is. This upcoming Thursday I start laser hair removal on my face. I'm a tad disappointing that it's only IPL and not the better kind, but quite honestly it was the ONLY hair removal method of any kind on Groupon. Kinda sucks because most likely I'll have to repeat the process all over again in a year or so. Everything I've read about IPL says it sucks.
So I guess until next time.
No comments:
Post a Comment