#021 - Thanksgiving sucks, even more broke, and laser hair removal. (HRT Day 150)

Friday, November 29, 2013.

So it's been a couple of weeks since I last wrote here. The pace of my transition is painfully slow and I have to take my mind off it. That means forgetting blog entries now and then.

Regardless, some stuff went down. I had my first laser hair removal treatment on the 12th. I had no idea what to expect, but it was actually fairly quick. Painful as hell in my opinion, but quick. It was like receiving a powerful shock of static electricity to my face over and over.

Results so far after first treatment is disappointing. I was told I probably won't see any results until after the 4th treatment or so. So far zero hair loss which sucks. I was hoping to have results for when I skyped home this holiday season. No such luck.

Yesterday was thanksgiving which went about as I expected. Both roommates are out of town with family and I have the entire house to myself all Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday...

I pretty much spent the time so far sulking. I did receive one invitation to a coworkers family party for after thanksgiving, but I declined. I'm really bad at social gatherings, plus I don't think I can afford to spend the gas it would take to get there and back. It's got to last seven more days or else I'm walking, a concept I'm strangely interested in doing. Reminds me of the "good ol' days" of having to bike/walk two hours to work and two hours back. Great exercise when I bring a music player.

Anyways I met another trans women,  ironically through a dating website. My profile clearly states I'm not looking for anything more than just friends. We talked a bit and she invited me to a local LGBT center where trans people meet up twice a month.

I'm still not sure what to make of her. I've been burned in the past by other trans women who seemed pleasant to talk to at first, but became super rude and repellant later on. Not really sure if its something I did/said or not. Still, I'm going to the center next week and I have no clue what to expect. Kinda nervous.

I got the chance to Skype home yesterday. It was actually kinda awkward as mom gathered EVERYONE around the laptop as if its a big event or something. It's just me saying hi on video conference. It was a lot of small talk plus my baby sister who I didn't recognize at all. I actually stopped the conversation and said "ok, hang on. Who is that in the background? I recognize everyone else but who the heck is that?"

Everyone laughed and said that's [sister #3]. You haven't seen her in years.

Moving on, I'm still here chilling in an empty house. I own several pairs of heels of various heights and practiced walking around in them. I can now say with certainty that, although cute, heels are evil. The higher the height, the worse they got. I have two pair that I can walk around in pretty well. The rest are going straight back to eBay. May they cause someone else a new definition of hell. I'll stick to flats and low heels from now on.

That may have sounded weird and/or awkward, but in context not really. I've been cleaning out my closet and found several pairs of jeans that used to fit years ago. Now not only do they fit, they look great on me. Tight and shapely in all the right places, a little flair on the pant legs. I saw myself in a full mirror and I looked pretty good, which blew me away how much has actually changed.

I had this overwhelming fear that hormones would do little to nothing for me. That I'd still look like a burly dude in a dress. If yesterday was any indication for how things will turn out, I'm going to be extremely pleased with the results. It's only been almost 5 months of hormones. I can't wait to see how things will look after a year.

Speaking of changes, I'm going to have to start putting serious effort into my appearance and voice. Eventually cold weather season will fade and I won't be able to conceal all the physical changes. So when it gets too hot for a hoodie, I'm going to be forced to go full time or feel embarrassed all damn day and night.

Breasts are rapidly becoming noticeable and annoying. They itch and ache all the time. Plus they're getting quite visibly noticeable even with a sports bra. Don't get me wrong, they're starting to look amazing, but they're also causing a lot if social awkwardness and discomfort. I can't sleep face down anymore without pain.

Lets see, what else? I'm still broke as hell. I thought I had a budget for luxuries, but it turns out I didn't, now I've got my bills paid off just barely. It came down to I think 37 cents left over in my bank account. What a lousy way to start saving for future surgeries.

One final thing. Mom asked me to drop a line now and then, mostly an update on how things are going. I get the strong impression that transition is a subject nobody wants to talk about or ask questions unless I force the subject (which I did in my last email). Anyways, here is her latest email response:

Hey sweetie

Thanks for dropping a line.  I actually knew a woman years ago who used to be a man (back when the surgery was brand new).  This woman was a WOMAN.  Over the years I have read alot of stuff about transgender, even took a course on Human Sexuality when I was in college.  Transgender is complicated and totally NOT the same as transvestite, gay or bisexual.  Transgender people really suffer emotionally - it's not them being kinky or perverted or deviant.  In a way, I guess you could say I was ready for this type of news.  My two main concerns for you are 1) your emotional well-being, and 2) your physical safety (guys get beat-up for this kind of thing).  Do your room-mates know about this?  Does your employer know?

I'm glad that work is going OK.  It would be wonderful if you had a job that you loved but very few people have that luxury (so not hating your job is actually doing pretty good :-)

Well, that's about all for now.  Busy as usual around here - nothing exciting but something always going on.

Take care.

Love,
Mom

Sort of a nice thing. I'm so thankful she knows the differences and has some understanding what it means to be transgender. It at least makes my transition a bit less difficult in regards to family.

The last thing I wanted to touch on are secrets. Not the kind of secrets like your email address password or things like that. The kind of deep dark secrets about your life that you don't tell anyone.

I was thinking on this subject and the thought occurred to me that I don't have those kinds of secrets anymore. My closet seems to be completely clean and empty. No longer having to live double and even triple lives anymore is a HUGE relief.

There's no deep dark secret that I feel the need to hide anymore. No worrying that someone might find out and it ruining me. No worry over what others will think of me if they found out. I'm having difficulty finding words to describe this overwhelming feeling of relief and calm. My budget may be in taters, social life almost non existent, and work may be dull, but none of that really seems to mater anymore in the big picture.

Well, until next time.